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Comments
Harry Knowles needs 100k to film an unwatchable web series
08/14/13, 02:22

Goddamn this shit is FREE MONEY.

Come on, POETV. Time to start braintrusting our own kickstarter idea before dotcom bubble 2.0 hits.
Harry Knowles needs 100k to film an unwatchable web series
08/13/13, 22:52

Even with games, it seems like the likelihood of a decent finished product seeing the light of day is inversely proportional to the size of the maker's existing fan base. Schafer isn't going to create anything without triple the initial budget and schedule, and I'll eat a shoe if Richard Garriot or Chris Roberts' MMO opuses ever materialize.
Breaking Bad - Badger's Star Trek Script
08/13/13, 22:47

Not any worse than the Abrams remake.

"Yo yo, check. It's Wrath of Kahn but like it starts with Kirk's dad gettin wasted, yo, and his mom's squirtin out Kirk like a photon torpedo while there's all the fire and explosions and shit. Then there's some Ferraris and Kirk's macking on this chick at a bar and she's tellin him to go to school and shit but school's for fags so we skip over that part. Then everyone's running around all like "9/11! 9/11!" and they have to give Kirk space measles so his blow up all puffy and shit. Spock's mom gets wasted and Kirk's like "yo mama" and Spock loses his shit and they fight then they fight the other guy and the bosses are like it's cool bro here are the keys ship's yours."
Patrice O'neal Vs. Workaholics
08/12/13, 04:41

I'm not debating that Anthony isn't the worst (Opie is merely bland), but Patrice is great.

What should an interviewer expect when he comes at a roaster of all people with such a phoney lame act? "Hey dude, kinda sort whatever I dunno, man. You gonna kidnap one of these girls? They are covered in powdered makeup, which looks like cocaine. Lots of celebrities do cocaine!"

He even gave the guy a second a chance saying he'll do the interview just drop the act, and the tool doubled down on the act.
Kevin Smith Discusses Clerks 3 @ Comic Con
08/11/13, 22:52

Clerks came out at exactly the right time. It was most people's first exposure to post modern observational humor right when it was starting to form but before the internet made it common place.
Hemlock Grove- Werewolf Transformation
08/09/13, 07:00

Noir is more than mood. It's about the protagonist probing the seedy underbelly in his quest for truth.

None of that happens for 7 straight hours out of this 13 hour series. Someone has a dream sequence. You find out two characters had an old affair. Two people hook up and that's about it. 7 hours.

You never find out what the heck Roman is supposed to be (they stuck with classic werewolf lore but had to make up a bunch of new stuff and names for vampires?) and his investigation with Peter is always stalled for their bromance and homoerotic jealously. Whole episodes are devoted to gathering ingredients for vision quests that do nothing. The psychiatrist and mother's affair amounts to nothing. Dee from Battlestar Galactica eats up half the season's running time, affects nothing, then goes away.

If anyone wants to check this show out, I strongly recommend skipping episodes 4-10. You won't miss a thing.
Conan Catches Jordan Schlansky Coming In Late
08/08/13, 02:24

He's not that far off from your average foodie.
Pauly Shore's Adopted - Official Trailer
08/08/13, 02:20

Just because he's creative career is trapped in a bubble, doesn't mean he still can't cause trouble.
Hemlock Grove- Werewolf Transformation
08/08/13, 02:13

The monkey paw grants your wish and makes tv shows start cranking out sound-a-like version of Inceptions DAAAAAAAA...DAAAAAAAA theme instead.
Final Fantasy X-2, the pop concert that saved the world.
08/08/13, 02:08

Even for the people that liked the basic idea of the card game were given the finger by THOSE FUCKING RULES you couldn't control.
Final Fantasy X-2, the pop concert that saved the world.
08/07/13, 21:50

Don't forget to mention that they decide to hold this concert in the middle of the place you had to dodge all the lightning bolts in FFX.
Hemlock Grove- Werewolf Transformation
08/07/13, 21:49

The wolves eat all their human leftovers right after they transform.
Final Fantasy X-2, the pop concert that saved the world.
08/07/13, 20:26

Was it FF8 where jrpgs turned all anime j-pop crap?
Hemlock Grove- Werewolf Transformation
08/07/13, 20:23

Holy shit this series is a mess.

It makes True Blood look like a dense, masterfully crafted Cohen Brothers work. It is exactly what would happen if Tommy Wiseau was given a large budget and told to recreate The Vampire Diaries.

That's not hyperbole either. Every scene plays out like you're watching The Room. Just like The Room was space aliens trying to mimic human relationships, Hemlock Grove is space aliens trying to mimic a horror drama. Nothing makes sense. The editing was done by a huffer. Dialog was written by aliens.

Examples:

- Three episodes in, I realized I couldn't recall a single character's name. That's how meaningless the screen time is.

- Two characters are walking along, one says, "Did you know that walking in the snow is like listening to an old man's heartbeat?" Then they walk some more, end scene.

- The show is constantly showing flashbacks, but because the editing is so bad, you never realize it's a flashback. Also the characters never age, so you're watching what you think is just another present day scene but later you find out it was a flashback to 18 years ago. Pretty soon you'll regularly be asking "wait is this a flashback?" every other scene.

- Scene of two people driving, then it goes to a scene at a school dance for 5 minutes. Two kids at the dance sit down in a stairwell when one sees something (facing the door?) and jumps up in shock. Cut to someone crawling on the road. From the previous scene's perspective, it makes it look like the kid in the stairwell was shocked at seeing someone crawling on a wooded country road. A minute later it cuts back to the school dance being evacuated because there's a snake on the stage? The kid in the stairwell saw the snake? The snake crawled up the stairs, through the door, onto the stage? Guy crawling on the highway? What?


The real kicker though is that NOTHING HAPPENS. It sets up a Twin Peaks murder mystery and then nothing happens. It's just episode after episode of characters reaffirming relationships. It's 13 episodes and you could skip episodes 3-10 without missing a single goddamn thing. It's THAT pointless!

This transformation scene was the highlight of the whole thing.



*major spoilers for this show and Twin Peaks*



The killer ends up being the most annoying character of the show (you will know who this is by the 2nd episode). Just like Twin Peaks, they wake up one day with their hair turned white and personality totally transformed.
A poem for FTL
08/02/13, 21:46

I don't recall the flagship ever bothering with boarding, not counting the stage 2 boarding drones.

I think the 2nd stage is the toughest. If you can beat that then you're almost guaranteed to beat the 3rd stage.
Manchild 'pranks' people in the library by playing his gameboy loudly.
08/02/13, 21:42

That's giving them way too much credit. The high mark they're shooting for is to be the next Mega 64.

Is it just me whose first reflex on seeing a public spectacle idiot is to check for a video recording accomplice?

Christ almighty is the next generation a bunch of 15 minute attention whores. It almost makes me not feel bad about their 70% unemployment.
A poem for FTL
08/02/13, 18:35

The only curve ball is the BULLSHIT last boss. All illusions of different strategies fly right out the window there. All the different approaches that got you through the first 95% of the game suddenly fail. You either luck out with specific weapon drops (mostly burst laser IIs and bombs) or you get a boarding party. No other way to win.
ALF hosts NBC Saturday morning preview (1987)
07/24/13, 05:14

That or Muppet Babies.
ALF hosts NBC Saturday morning preview (1987)
07/24/13, 04:55

Did nobody notice the giant penis at 9:50?
The making of Revolution X: Featuring Aerosmith
07/24/13, 02:58

The worst Operation World clone ever made. Bullshit cheap shots you couldn't avoid, bullets did dick for damage so you had to use CDs on everything which you quickly ran out of. 50 cents bought you 10 seconds of shooting CDs until you ran out and died again.

Plus I think you had to do some impossible secret shit to get the real ending.

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