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Desc:Hint: it's not your beautiful, inviolable human spirit.
Tags:masturbation, Everything is Terrible, EIT, flopsweat, ancient jokes
Submitted:Billy the Poet
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Comment count is 15
Corpus Delectable
Probably makes more sense than the unedited version.
I knew the Little Hands song long before I knew what masturbation was. So for a while I thought it was warning us against killing people. Turns out that wasn't the priority.
The Little Hands song, which I also heard growing up, is one of the most evil, demonic, nightmarish concepts I have ever heard in my life. I'm going to submit it to the hopper after I post this comment.


Holy fuck, that is horrible. What makes it worse is how cheerful it is.

I probably sang that song hundreds of times over the course of my youth. It never seemed threatening to me, but neither did any of the other fire and brimstone talk that would go on.

Maybe that has something to do with why I was the only one there who didn't make a rush to the cleansing waters of baptism as so as I was able.

Glad I listened to "She Bop" as a kid.

I like that the song really doesn't teach you anything. It just says to be careful with your various senses. Given no context a child listening to this song could imagine pretty much anything they do is bound to disappoint God.

The only way to be sure to please God is never leave your house except for church and while in your house always be reading the Bible.

Syd Midnight
The context was pretty clear to me: you are under perpetual surveillance by an omnipotent and unforgiving authority who counters any pleas for mercy with the old "but it's for your own good" logic-fuck, therefore you must constantly endeavor to avoid offending this vengeful voyeur by strictly obeying its rules of speech and conduct as related to you through earthly vessels (your parents).

So it's threatening disobedient children with eternal damnation, but in a cutesy way so it doesn't really feel like you're teaching kids that they are eternal hostages, and that there is no escape from an impending Judgement more final and painful than death itself.

It's not even scary (or effective) unless the kid really thinks about the message, and I thought about it a LOT.

When I was a kid my dad came home and heard me listening to that song on my Wee Sing Bible Songs tape and he ran in, shut it off and yelled "QUESTION EVERYTHING" to me. Then he re-dubbed the tape leaving the song off.

Innocent Bystander
I'd love to know the context for the joke about the guy who hasn't eaten in four days.

Syd Midnight
So she bit him.

Billy the Poet
This guy is the emotionally broken Nathan Lane.
Some of their best editing yet.
Somehow, I think this would actually be worse without the edits.
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