Rodents of Unusual Size
Freedom Puppies (G) 2014
In a time, when men were men...
(shot of Revolutionary soldiers walking by in slow mo with bayonets)
In a TIME, when all hope seemed LOST...
George Washington: "We must not let the British win!"
(shot of a crowd watching worriedly as the news of the war is being read out. pan in on puppy sitting front and center)
In a TIME, when the only thing coming between our FREEDOM and tyranny was...PUPPIES (record skip)
Puppy: "Did someone say something about training?"
(cue inappropriate Snoop Dog "Bow Wow Wow" rap song, sanitized for youth. Puppies are seen in mini revolutionary uniforms and sunglasses)
Puppy 2: "We're gonna show the British how to have a real tea party!"
(puppies are shown crashing a fancy tea party for rich people and eating all their cookies)
Benjamin Franklin: "I AINT DOWN WITH THAT, DAWG!"
Puppy 1: "Did I mention I was trained in the art of water torture?" (camera pans to British soldier with arms tied up in a barn. Pup pees on top of British soldier's head.)
Puppy 2: "Good thing we drank all that tea earlier!"
(explosions for no good reason)
John Adams: "Perhaps on this day, my dear wife, a pup shall show us man's true providence."
(patriotic music from various Westerns)
(introduce Hessian pup with German accent, stereotypical Iroquois pup with feather headdress and wampum bead necklace, and French poodle who is spying for her mistress, a French duchess)
(more explosions as the puppies commandeer a ship filled with cannons they have somehow lit)
Puppy 2: "Looks like they're gonna have a bad day...drowning in the ocean in the middle of winter!"
Iroquois pup: "WE NO LIKUM BRITISH UNLESS THEY GIVUM SEASHELLS AND BONES FOR DIGGING. HOW."
Hessian pup: "How about what? Why you ask how Mein Pup? Time for adventure! I keel ze British for zey do to mein Hessian master, roasting him over an open flame!"
(shot of Hessians being roasted alive)