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Category:Video Games
Tags:stripper, nuns, Hitman, Nerd Rage, Jump the Shark
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Comment count is 61
biclops - 2012-05-30
Born in the RSR - 2012-05-30
"Jump the shark" tag please.
SteamPoweredKleenex - 2012-05-30
You say that like the Mardi Gras mission where you dressed in a chicken suit didn't happen.

Pope Caius - 2012-05-30
sosage - 2012-05-30
Killing strippers/hookers. So, this a senator simulator or something?

...ba boom psssht
OxygenThief - 2012-05-30
Is this that empowerment thing I keep hearing about?
Hooker - 2012-05-30
Has Hitman become a series where you wade into a group of enemies and mow them all down now?
lieutenant halfabeef - 2012-05-31
It was a viable tactic in Blood Money. It just punished you in the end mission ranking for doing it. And it wasn't fun. And it was frequently harder than doing it sneakily.

fatatty - 2012-05-31
From the looks of the gameplay trailer, it seems to stick to the classic sneaking/disguising gameplay:


So this trailer is either a trick for action fans, or you can either sneak or run and gun. Which I think I'm fine with.

Sundry - 2012-06-01
It is good to have the option. But disguising as a stripper nun will probably be difficult.

Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-30
Meanwhile, the Sucker Punch fans across the street realize they gave the escorts the wrong address.
memedumpster - 2012-05-30
The warning said this had content unsuitable for children, but I was under the impression that children loved to laugh at stupid cartoony shit. I would have never been able to imagine what action without choreography looked like until this video.
Hooker - 2012-05-30

Hooker - 2012-05-30
Also, the disclaimer should really read "inappropriate for adults."
Adham Nu'man - 2012-05-30
I... uh... nuns don't... the disguises are... wait... the... the... fuck it, five stars.
themilkshark - 2012-05-30
I'd like to think that the people playing this understand that it's ludicrous as well as gratuitous to the point of absurdity. Sadly this exploitative escape from reality is probably a common fantasy shared by gun obsessed sheltered babymen.
SteamPoweredKleenex - 2012-05-30
Good thing he escaped in a totally anonymous-looking and unidentifiable car.

Jet Bin Fever - 2012-05-30
"The Original Assassin" my ASS!(assin).

Why do teenagers and their greasy McDonalds money keep franchises like this one going. I don't understand.
zerobackup - 2012-05-30
Indeed, the Hitman storyline "Assassin with amnesia" has been sullied by this trailer. I shall scoff loudly from my balcony so that all the town can hear my disdain.
Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-30
But how will people know that I'm smart unless I remind them about it?

Meerkat - 2012-05-30
Those were NOT latex stripper nuns, they were just latex nuns. I know this because they did not strip.
CornOnTheCabre - 2012-05-30
no they are scantily clad, immodest women, and therefore strippers. i learned this on the internet

takewithfood - 2012-05-30
They stripped off their habits, ergo strippers, I guess. Also, they appear to be hard of hearing.

memedumpster - 2012-05-30
They also stripped women in media of further dignity.

CornOnTheCabre - 2012-05-30
whereas men obviously came out of this one looking intelligent and emotionally balanced

memedumpster - 2012-05-30
Not on this website, brother.

Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-30
Don't worry, this is exactly how I expected everyone to react when I saw this in the hopper. People on this site often use forced cynicism and overblown incredulity in response to something that hurts their feelings.

Either that, or a lot of people on this site are desperate to convince themselves that majoring in women's studies wasn't a horrible waste of their parents' money.

NewHeavenSalesman - 2012-05-30
(kazoo noises)

memedumpster - 2012-05-30
There are lots of female assassins that would like to talk to you about your opinion of tits, Caminante. It's worse than you think, too, some of them are Israeli.


Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-30
What the fuck is shaboom-crash?

badideasinaction - 2012-05-30
Hush Caminante, you know we're both going to be cosplaying as those nuns for the opening.

sosage - 2012-05-31
I think that was "ba boom pssssht" in another language...

mashedtater - 2012-05-30
pft. taking out latexed fetish strippers is entry level. i want to see him take on some kind of coked out pope modeled on the singer prince.

then we'll talk
NewHeavenSalesman - 2012-05-30
I wish balistic was still here so I could ask him how many of his fellow cinematic cutscene co-workers enjoyed lovingly rendering a fake lady butts.
Sanest Man Alive - 2012-05-30
And of course, they make the black one carry the heavy weapons.
Meerkat - 2012-05-30
She was sworn to carry their burdens.

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-30
hitman 1 was pretty unplayable.

hitman 2 is one of my favorite games of all time, in no small part for allowing you to murder firemen in full fireman getup, mask, hat, and all, with a fire axe.

hitman 3 allowed you to murder an obese person with a meat hook hidden inside of a chicken you were hand feeding them during an s&m party they were hosting at a slaughterhouse.

hitman 4 allowed you to hunt down an english gentleman at his lovely country estate in full upland game hunting attire.

so let's not rush to judgement here. this series has always been about creative murder and i, for one, will hold my aspersions until i play.
Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-30
My favorite part of Blood Money was hiding a bomb in a cake and blowing up a fat river captain as he ate it.

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-30
the butcher, naked except for a bloody apron, in a candle lit walk in refrigerator just finishing gouging out the eyes of the girl you're supposed to rescue while she's strung upside down on a meat hook as "put your head on my shoulder" plays scratchily on a record nearby

it's a game about moments.

Fur is Murder - 2012-05-30
actually the 'hunt down an english gentleman at his lovely country estate in full upland game hunting attire' was from Hitman 3.

Hitman 4 should have read 'allowed you to shoot out the bottom of a glass-bottomed hot tub and watch your target and several bikini-clad women plummet to their deaths on the rocks below.'

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-30
Sir! You are correct! I apologize but am happy someone else remembered that level.

Also, strangling the Latin American drug lord while he practiced cello alone on his balcony overlooking an impoverished village, although if I recall you had to wait for him to stop practicing otherwise the sudden halt to the music alerted the guards. Moments.

BHWW - 2012-05-30

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-30
more like murder simulators encouraging subtle creativity in our youth...through, uh, murder

RockBolt - 2012-05-31
I tried the Sniper Challenge pre order mini game, and it definitely had the Hitman feel I remembered, even when expressed in a sharpshooting level. Still trying to figure out silent assassin rank on it, plus you get to shoot Ezio

Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-31
For the drug lord, I put a bomb on his chair, casually strolled outside, waited outside of his window, and detonated the bomb when he started playing. His body soared out of the window like a moose launched out of a catapult.

badideasinaction - 2012-05-31
The first Hitman wasn't unplayable, it was just nigh-impossible to finish missions with much finesse, since the stealth kill garrote was lousy to aim. Inevitably it was a matter of when, not if, you'd have to break out the guns and kill every last person in the building.

The moment that made the first game great was the point where you realize, mid-mission, that you've been set up. Unlike most games this twist wasn't telegraphed so it had that great dose of "why isn't this work- OH SHIT". It had left it out there that someone was coming for you, but it didn't make it obvious when it was going to happen.

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-31
yeah "unplayable" was probably too harsh, should have gone with "unforgiving". the one mission where you had to snipe the asian gang leader during the peace summit was pretty amazing.

also caminante, i had no idea that was an option. the sense of choice is one of my favorite aspects of the series.

also for what it's worth, Jesper Kyd's "47 makes a decision" from Hitman 2 is the finest song ever composed for a video game.

Maru - 2012-05-31
5 for badness, and also as consolation for this screed I'm about to inflict on everyone:

Yeah, it's a turd. This is just icing on the cake; anyone who has played any of the old Hitman games (and enjoyed them) could tell this was a piece of shit since the first gameplay trailer. I didn't think they would telegraph its mediocrity this much though. I especially enjoyed the phony grace-note at the end, with him closing the black hooker's eyes after he kills her, as if the rocket launching, BDSM stripper is the slaying that's going to make 47 start meditating on the sanctity of life. He should shed a single tear, and then that becomes a tear drop tattoo on his face, just like the hooker's. It's deep.

And don't start in with this bullshit about how Hitman was always over the top. It wasn't. Contracts was weird because it was supposed to be; he was reliving some of his old hits in a fever dream after being gut shot. This is just plain retarded to no discernible end. Yeah, you could dress up in a chicken suit in the *parade* level in Blood Money. Why? Because you can wear whatever any other male NPC is wearing, and... there was a guy in a chicken costume at the big parade! Do you see how this might be a tinge more plausible than... prostitutes, who dress like nuns, who walk all the way to Hitman's hotel room, carrying a bunch of weapons, and an RPG, and then 47 crying after killing them?
Chalkdust - 2012-05-31
Everyone listen to Maru, he's travelled back in time from six months in the future when the game will have been released to deliver us this warning.

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-31

Caminante Nocturno - 2012-05-31

pastorofmuppets - 2012-05-31
Yeah but they probably have a story written about this stuff too.

pastorofmuppets - 2012-05-31
sexy irish catholic terrorism is my guess. the black woman is a vampire

Maru - 2012-05-31


that's you. that's what you sound like to me.

pineapplejuicer - 2012-05-31

Maru - 2012-05-31
no that was you reacting to me writing about things

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2012-05-31
I don't understand why everyone is surprised by this. The Hitman series was always less than realistic, even by action movie standards. They had a choice: Go gonzo-nuts with stripper nuns or go the route of the Tom Clancy game-clone.

And from what I've seen lately, gonzo-nuts is kind of the trend. Few people seem to want a lot of realism in their escapism.
Triggerbaby - 2012-05-31
I want a realistic hitman game where I can play as some lowlife shlub with a scooter and a cheap gun killing defenseless Russian journalists and Philipino union organizers.

Chalkdust - 2012-05-31
Okay, interesting, I like where you're going with this, but I can just toss one thing into the ring here?

Grappling hook arm.

CornOnTheCabre - 2012-06-04
No grappling hook arm, but you do get one of those cheapo "Reaching Aids" that older folks need to reach high-up boxes of cereal after the level where you strangulate your hernia trying to climb into a gay rights activist's second story apartment.

http://www.amazon.com/Carex-Inch-Grabber-Reaching-Aid/dp/B000A EGCW6

yeah, that thing.

oddeye - 2014-05-30
A turban would probably be less conspicuous than having a barcode tattooed to the back of your skull.

5 stars of shit.
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