godot
Surely there are some underemployed David Attenborough impersonators the Onion could have tapped.
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Binro the Heretic 
Zebras are, in truth, pretty bad-ass. Plenty of nature documentaries have footage of zebras crippling and/or killing lions, hyenas, wild dogs and even crocodiles. Their hooves can shatter bones and they have a vicious bite.
Gazelles, on the other hand, are the popcorn chicken of the veldt.
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memedumpster
Zebras are mean, I saw one kick a donkey's ass at a petting zoo because I fed the wrong one first.
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Callamon
The last line was pretty good.
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craptacular
Zebra wait on the pantry shelf that is the African plain
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Jet Bin Fever
I love that the Onion is making such a variety of good new material and not just the faux news.
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Rudy
Five for the hippos' zebra buffet pool party.
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Syd Midnight
I like the "confusing to Americans" pronunciation joke. Zed for zebra.
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