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Desc:This time, a reading by Charles Dance (language strongly NSFW)
Category:Classic TV Clips, Humor
Tags:fifty shades of grey, Charles Dance, Big Fat Quiz of the Year, kinky fuckery, glorious accent
Submitted:il fiore bel
Date:02/05/13
Views:1100
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Comment count is 8
Innocent Bystander
I fell to the fucking floor when I saw this.

This is the bestest thing.
il fiore bel
You know, I fear this may ruin Tywin Lannister for me.

Blue
Spoiler Alert!

Fuck this book. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK this book.

Maybe I should write a book about sex. I've got a profile on an asexual dating site so I've got the fucking qualifications. The closest I've ever gotten to a pussy was when I was straightening the seam lines on my owner's stockings, but hey, I'll just make shit up when I don't know something.

So a rich entrepaneur is all like hey girl, I heard you don't want to have sex. I think we'd make a great couple. There's just one twist. I want to have sex with you. I know, it seems like I could just find one of the many women out there that do want sex instead of cajoling you into something you don't want to do, but I am just sooo attracted to you. You're the most boring person in the world, but you have the walking skills of a toddler. I love it when women fall and I get to pick them up in my manly man arms.

Then there's lots of boring bullshit, occasionally interrupted by ineptly written and inaccurate sex scenes. Very occasionally. Long story short it turns out that the reason he likes touching women in their gross no-no region is because of sexual abuse. It's clear that I feel that way about all people who have sex.

Step 2 Publish

Step 3 Profit!!!
il fiore bel
Don't forget to base it off of Twilight as well.

Grannies will be all over you.

Quad9Damage
That sounds the most boring and unconvincing not-erotica ever. Like it's dirty but it's a 'safe' kind of dirty, just filthy enough for God to overlook when church ladies read it. I'd like to see these 'mommies' try some Selena Kitt or Ana´s Nin.

kingofthenothing
I think I might have found a new line of work.

"Listen here, bitch," he said, in that dreamy accent of his, "this is a motherfucking Dremel."
I paused, and stared at him like I was confused. I was.
"I'm not surprised you don't know what this is. Something about women, they just fear power tools, unless they're some kind of lesbian or some shit. Then they're all over it like syrup on pancakes. Tuna pancakes. Fucking dykes." His command of metaphors left something to be desired. Or was it a simile? I get those two confused a lot.
"Bitch, are you paying attention?" He said, demonstrating an eery preternatural proficiency. It's like he just knows what I'm thinking sometimes.
"Pfft. There you go again. Anyway, you got a dildo collection, right?"
"No", I replied. "I don't have a ... uh... 'collection', as it were."
"Are you fucking serious?", he spat. I was hurt. "You mean to tell me you don't have any dildos?"
"Well I have a dildo -" I started, before he cut me off.
"Then why are you bullshittin' me? Get your fucking dildo and bring your ass back here! I'm about to make some magic happen. And hurry the fuck up!"
I ran to my dresser drawer as fast as I could, dodging the empty beer bottle he lobbed at my head when he told me to hurry up. I dug past my underwear and reached in to pull out a locked box. It looked old and kind of moldy.
"Man, what the fuck is taking so long?" I felt rushed, but also slightly more aroused than I previously was. There's just something about the neighbors hearing him yell at me, through the paper-thin walls of our apartment complex, that really got my engine, uh, whatever engines do.
"I can't find the key, sweetie!"
"You can't find the key? What the fuck? How fucking big is this dildo anyway? What do you use a fucking lawnmower and shit? You going to cut some *grass* in this motherfucker? Do I have to go to the store to get some damn gas or what? Maaaan I'm the fuck out of here."

Quad9Damage
This is the only way to properly read these books.
Quad9Damage
"...That's what I thought." (nod, glasses.)
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