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Category:Video Games, Humor
Tags:Aliens, Sega, Iceland, Colonial Marines, birgirpall
Submitted:RockBolt
Date:04/03/13
Views:1687
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Comment count is 13
Udderdude
"I broke Aliens: Colonial Marines". I don't think that's going on the ol' resume if you know what I mean.
memedumpster
You just crushed the future employment dreams of twenty six Gearbox programmers, you meanie.

FABIO
I set every Colonial Marines video to 240p and can never tell the difference.

So what's the game's explanation how the Sulaco came to be infested with hundreds of xenos?
Caminante Nocturno
A 1,000-person amateur production of Cats was rehearsing on the ship. The aliens take on the qualities of their host, and that's why they all move the way they do in this game.

RocketBlender
I wish I saved my stars for you.

robotkarateman
Here are mine.

StanleyPain
The storyline is so retardedly insane that it's almost difficult to put into words. Basically the story is that the Sulaco was intercepted sometime before the events of Alien 3, but AFTER Ripley's escape pod was ejected. Weyland Yutani discovered an alien infestation (how this is possible is not explained since only one egg birthed one facehugger which made its way to Fury 161). WY removes Hicks from cryo-sleep in order to interrogate him about what happened on LV-426 then take him prisoner. The Sulaco then somehow makes its way back to LV-426 in a totally unexplained manner, still infested with aliens, and Hicks manages to escape down to the planet where the colony is still mostly intact despite being less than a few miles from a nuclear explosion only a few weeks previous. WT sets up shop inside the alien derelict spacecraft to do evil things and along come the characters of the video game who stumble onto the whole thing (apparently Weyland Yutani never expected Marines to investigate or something) and the game proceeds as normal, a Queen alien is killed, Bishop turns out to be evil (big surprise) and it sets up a sequel that is never coming.
The game never explains at what point WY intervened on Fury 161 (as part of the plot of Alien 3), whose body was inside Hicks' cryo-tube (that apparently verifies as Hicks according to the Alien 3), or why the fuck any of this is even happening.

Nikon
IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE.
TAKE THIS.

Hooker
I started aimlessly wandering the Internet for information on this game and, as it turns out, while nearly every publication gave this game lousy scores, EGM gave it a straight-up 9/10. The comments are hilarious:

http://www.egmnow.com/articles/reviews/egm-review-aliens-colon ial-marines/#/
RocketBlender
The best part was after I finally made my way to the bottom of all the comments, I saw the option to load 400 more. This is amazing.

Hooker
Followup: turns out the guy that wrote that review was fired. I hope Sega paid him off instead of EGM.

memedumpster
Someone mentioned this in the comments. Pacifist Mode.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5WwV9YoW_U

Udderdude
The speedruns of this game are going to be hilarious.

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