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Desc:What is your major malfunction numbnuts?
Category:General Station
Tags:, marines, USMC, boot camp, not the coast guard
Submitted:Scrotum H. Vainglorious
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Comment count is 35
EvilHomer - 2013-05-21
I was expecting more. Those drill instructors are being really nice to the new privates. This is just their Reception, right? Not their shark tank, surely?
Scrotum H. Vainglorious - 2013-05-21
I guess they're being nice since the cameras are there.

Galactos - 2013-05-21
I was here. This is probably really only the first or second morning away from the posh recruiter's office in their hometown and the first taste of actual military life. They've just spent their morning waking up before 5, pissing into cups and getting their balls grabbed.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
So how does it work for the Marines? In the Army, shit didn't start getting real until the third or fourth day, when you're assigned to your BCT unit. Before that was an orientation period - mostly just processing and shots and gear issue and lots 'n lots of sitting on your asd. I'm guessing that's what they're doing here, since they're still in civvies, and they're going to their first health and welfare shakedown (that was the first thing we did, too! First of many, many, many!). You'd see one or two crapbags get smoked every hour or so, just to keep the kids in line, but it was mostly waiting.

Don't get me wrong, I like the creative ways the drills are finding to fuck with the baby privates, but it seems much too laid back, and they're letting way too many guys fuck up, for this to be the introductory shark attack.

simon666 - 2013-05-21
Now do the Coast Guard one.
MacGyver Style Bomb - 2013-05-22
I think we're done hazing Mark.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
I submitted one once, but it never made it out of the hopper.

The Mothership - 2013-05-22
The youth of today looks lanky, out of shape and bored. It's like they've seen this before in movies.
Rodents of Unusual Size - 2013-05-22
I have a friend that was in the army and he talked about how at this one base you could see photos of all of the people who had served there, and there was one photograph per year. He said the guys who served around WWII were all lean and good looking, and all really clean and then as the years progressed the men just got uglier and fatter.

He said it was like a real life version of that scene from Wall E where you see the captains portraits.

Old_Zircon - 2013-05-22
I have a friend who's been in the army since 1998; he says that drill sergeants aren't really that effective anymore, since they're now legally barred from making physical contact with the recruits, so the worst they can do is embarrass you or make you do pushups until you vomit. Back in the WWII days they would just punch you in the stomach, for better or worse.

Old_Zircon - 2013-05-22
Plus, you know, all of those synthetic food additives and HFCS that showed up around 1972 didn't help things as far as being ugly and out of shape goes.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Yeah, I dunno if I'd want drills punching privates again, but I saw at least one instance where the lack of corporal punishment options broke the illusion of control. One of my platoon's chronic fuckups snapped one day and started breakdancing in formation. Big scary DS got in his face, yelled at him, ordered him to drop, ordered him to leave the room, nothing. Kid just stood there, just totally quit on everything. He had that "nothing fucking matters" look in his eyes you see in chronic suicide risks, and he just would not do anything the DS told him. I felt really bad for both of them; eventually the drill just gave up and told him to go outside and rest, and he'd come talk to him later. Back in 'nam, the kid would have been flattened. Today, nothing.

Still, it's not exactly "easier" to get away with shit. They're still happy to dish out punishments - the difference is, nowadays the punishments are legal in nature. Instead of getting punched in the face, you get slapped with UCMJ articles, which dock your pay and strip your rank and stick you on extra duty. The pay cut is the absolute worst, I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather get punched and get it over with, than lose half my paycheck for three months straight because I got caught chatting up a female. Shades of Foucault...?

Two quick stories to tie these concepts together: my favorite drill, this female I had the weirdest crush on, lost two paygrades for kicking a private in the testicles. That works out a few years worth of promotions, down the drain, for one little kick. I don't know the full details, because I wasn't there to witness it, but I totally side with her. Also, my least favorite drill, this pinchfaced asshole - he really WAS an asshole, even our other drills didn't like him - he got it even worse. Some redneck shitbag private, two days away from getting a dishonorable discharge for legal issues and attitude problems, called said drill "a dumb stupid nigger". Drill choked that fucker out, and you know what happened? The private who called him a nigger got his discharge changed to honorable, and the drill lost a paygrade and had to attend two months of anger management counseling. I don't care how much I hated the drill, that's bullshit.

Old People - 2013-05-22
You had female Drill Sergeants. Jesus Christ, I'm glad I got my blue cord.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Hey now, the infantry's gonna get female drills in a minute, if they don't have 'em already.

It's a brave new world.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
In fact, with all the EO legislation that was getting put through when I was in, less than five years ago, I wouldn't be surprised if the Army fills half of it's infantry positions with females by the time Obama's out of office.


Old People - 2013-05-23
I'm all for it if they can buddy carry me and keep up in PT and combatives.

Suedeo - 2013-05-24
aye sir

Cena_mark - 2013-05-22
Real Marines go to Paris Island.
Ocyrus - 2013-05-22
Real Parris Island Marines know how to spell Parris Island.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Real Marines don't kare abowt no faggotyass spehling.

Jet Bin Fever - 2013-05-22
I hate this shit. Absolutely terrifying to me.
Cena_mark - 2013-05-22
It sucks, but I never saw it as abuse rather more like a game I agreed to play.

Ocyrus - 2013-05-22
Then just sit back, drink your beer, watch your soccer match, and thank your lucky stars that there are real men out there willing to sacrifice so you can enjoy your life as a modern lady boy.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Yeah, it's all a game; the drills aren't really assholes (well, most of them aren't) and they rarely beat you to death nowadays. It sucks really really bad, but after awhile it starts getting fun. Just think of it like a three month long S&M session, where the dom pays *you*.

Old_Zircon - 2013-05-22
Since there's no draft going on, it pretty much IS a game they agreed to play.

chumbucket - 2013-05-22
After this its all about alliances and who gets immunity.

Jet Bin Fever - 2013-05-22
I fail to see how getting your identity taken away and blindly following stupid commands because you're told to makes you a "real man." I know its a necessary part of making people fall into the role where they can potentially kill another human being, but goddamn it still bothers me.

Cena_mark - 2013-05-22
Coast Guard has the 2nd toughest basic training right behind the marines. It has a lot of emphasis on discipline and integrity, but not much of the preparation to kill folks. I never felt stripped of my Identity, maybe because I was 27 and sure of myself. It was just a lot exercise and the sleep deprivation got to me, but I was my old self once it was over.

Oh and props to you Ocyrus, looks like you're ready to replace me since I made my face turn.

Jet Bin Fever - 2013-05-22
haha, yeah. I'm glad you did, even if things aren't quite as entertaining around here now.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Oh, and Old People just reminded me of something else, too: we had donuts in the cafeteria. I swear to God this is true, the drill sergeants weren't *legally* allowed to prevent us from taking said donuts. It was the result of some lawsuit. The only people they could force dietary practices on were the anorexic girls.
Cena_mark - 2013-05-22
I wasn't allowed desserts until the 100% of the company passed the PT test. There was this doughy kid with no muscle at all who couldn't pass his push up test until the last week.

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Hardly anyone took the desserts, because they'd get made fun of and the drills remember faces, but they were there, and our right to eat them regardless of PT scores was legally enshrined.

We had two or three PT failures, plus a holdover who failed three cycles in a row before they kicked his ass out, and we were one of the toughest companies on post. Only one other company had a better PT pass rate than us, a combat engineer unit, and their CO was UCMJ'd for "attempted murder" stemming from some log PT incidents.

Cena_mark - 2013-05-22
Ft. Benning?

EvilHomer - 2013-05-22
Oh heavens, no. Leonard Wood. Home of the Engineers and MPs.

I don't wanna make it sound like we were ALL wusses - Lenwood was the main training post for EOD, and those fuckers have all my respect and then some. We also trained the truckers, who had the most shitty, thankless, and ironically, most dangerous job in post-occupation Iraq. Our drills were really good, we had a Ranger, a decorated sniper, an airborne Pathfinder, and this one short dude named "Pain" who held a couple post records for PT. (seriously, the dude could do pushups for an hour straight). And we rocked the FUCK out of the pansyass Air Force and Navy guys who trained there, too. It was just that everyone, cadre and recruits alike, had the Sword of UCMJ Damocles hanging over their heads. The fact that we were the biggest MP hub in the world, and it was in the ass-end of Missouri with nothing but booze and sex scandals to pass the time, made things even worse.

Where were you, if you don't mind me asking? Did you go to the Coast Guard Academy here in CT?

Cena_mark - 2013-05-22
There's only one place where Coast Guard enlisted start out, Cape May NJ.

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