I'm trying to pinpoint when it was that werewolves, even as a concept, stopped being scary.
"You turn into a wolf? That's nice. What's it like having no opposable thumbs and be a homicidal animal in a world of forensics and people with enough guns to down an aircraft?"
Even if silver bullets are in play, it's still just not as weird or chilling a concept as pretty much every other supernatural creature out there. The best we seem to do is to have stories where werewolves are just hairier versions of The Hulk, which still isn't scary.
This might have something to do with it, but ever since the beginning, just about every werewolf movie goes out of its way to show us every inch of transformation their budgets can accommodate, which usually not only violates the "less is more" rule of horror, it lets the audience see the zippers, latex bits, and the seams where CGI meets real-world.
When did the concept of werewolves stop being scary?
I think that was ruined for me somewhere between furries and Twilight.
Holy shit this series is a mess.
It makes True Blood look like a dense, masterfully crafted Cohen Brothers work. It is exactly what would happen if Tommy Wiseau was given a large budget and told to recreate The Vampire Diaries.
That's not hyperbole either. Every scene plays out like you're watching The Room. Just like The Room was space aliens trying to mimic human relationships, Hemlock Grove is space aliens trying to mimic a horror drama. Nothing makes sense. The editing was done by a huffer. Dialog was written by aliens.
- Three episodes in, I realized I couldn't recall a single character's name. That's how meaningless the screen time is.
- Two characters are walking along, one says, "Did you know that walking in the snow is like listening to an old man's heartbeat?" Then they walk some more, end scene.
- The show is constantly showing flashbacks, but because the editing is so bad, you never realize it's a flashback. Also the characters never age, so you're watching what you think is just another present day scene but later you find out it was a flashback to 18 years ago. Pretty soon you'll regularly be asking "wait is this a flashback?" every other scene.
- Scene of two people driving, then it goes to a scene at a school dance for 5 minutes. Two kids at the dance sit down in a stairwell when one sees something (facing the door?) and jumps up in shock. Cut to someone crawling on the road. From the previous scene's perspective, it makes it look like the kid in the stairwell was shocked at seeing someone crawling on a wooded country road. A minute later it cuts back to the school dance being evacuated because there's a snake on the stage? The kid in the stairwell saw the snake? The snake crawled up the stairs, through the door, onto the stage? Guy crawling on the highway? What?
The real kicker though is that NOTHING HAPPENS. It sets up a Twin Peaks murder mystery and then nothing happens. It's just episode after episode of characters reaffirming relationships. It's 13 episodes and you could skip episodes 3-10 without missing a single goddamn thing. It's THAT pointless!
This transformation scene was the highlight of the whole thing.
*major spoilers for this show and Twin Peaks*
The killer ends up being the most annoying character of the show (you will know who this is by the 2nd episode). Just like Twin Peaks, they wake up one day with their hair turned white and personality totally transformed.
Does anyone comment on the ever-growing findings of identically-colored eyeballs near where any maulings take place?
The wolves eat all their human leftovers right after they transform.
Noir is more than mood. It's about the protagonist probing the seedy underbelly in his quest for truth.
None of that happens for 7 straight hours out of this 13 hour series. Someone has a dream sequence. You find out two characters had an old affair. Two people hook up and that's about it. 7 hours.
You never find out what the heck Roman is supposed to be (they stuck with classic werewolf lore but had to make up a bunch of new stuff and names for vampires?) and his investigation with Peter is always stalled for their bromance and homoerotic jealously. Whole episodes are devoted to gathering ingredients for vision quests that do nothing. The psychiatrist and mother's affair amounts to nothing. Dee from Battlestar Galactica eats up half the season's running time, affects nothing, then goes away.
If anyone wants to check this show out, I strongly recommend skipping episodes 4-10. You won't miss a thing.
Should have used Mr. Anderson's reaction shots to Tito Ortiz from last week's Impact instead.
|B. Weed |
I have no especial interest in the show, but I liked seeing what appeared to be good old (if silly) practical FX work.
|Old People |
Why "netflicks"? Is it best that we not type the actual name for some reason?
boy oh boy do i ever wish tv shows would stop making lousy sound-a-like versions of the 28 days later theme
The monkey paw grants your wish and makes tv shows start cranking out sound-a-like version of Inceptions DAAAAAAAA...DAAAAAAAA theme instead.
Ha ha ha, Wolverine Ripoff Wolf Claws(TM) GO!
I enjoyed this show. It's fucking awful, but I enjoyed it.
|Sexy Duck Cop |
All that work and he just turns into a regular wolf. Hardly worth smirking at the person next to you over.
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