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Desc:'i wrote a manifesto about transcendental black metal'
Category:Crime, Accidents & Explosions
Tags:black metal, cocaine, pretentious, liturgy, upper east side
Submitted:lotsmoreorcs
Date:08/14/13
Views:2847
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Comment count is 49
Born in the RSR
.... sip.... Satan.
Jack Dalton
The inherent conflict of affirming and rejecting black metal... pretty deep stuff-- some might say he is transcending the genre...others might regret not kicking his ass more in high school.
EvilHomer
Ten bucks says he's got rich parents who sent him to an art highschool.

lotsmoreorcs
they're from the upper eastside of manhattan, thankfully they've since disbanded, even pitchfork makes fun of them describing them as vanishing 'in a cloud of coke dust'

EvilHomer
I don't know if this is the MOST pretentious black metal band, but fuck alive, it's certainly the most insufferable. At least with guys like Varg, you know they've got the street creds to back up the bullshit.

How many dudes has this emo pretty boy murdered, huh?
Mother_Puncher
Liturgy plays the most art school of Cascadian style Black Metal with stupid lyrics nor about nature. They have some decent tracks (mostly due to drumming) but if I could use the word "hipster" to describe one thing in this world, this is it. HHH's attitude about the whole thing is the most insufferable shit I've ever heard. I would venture to say this is the most pretentious because at least the most hardcore of elitist purist assholes don't have to art up the style into being this flowery special snowflake shit that he is doing. And you arent fucking special, HHH. Hardly any bands wear corpse paint anymore.

Fuck this band. Seriously. Fuck their art school bullshit, their ironic "we are the only ones who truly understand black metal" horse shit and fuck HHH and his manifesto.


The only band I like a whole lot and still have a bunch of respect for that said said something that tried to separate themselves from the rest of black metal was Blut Aus Nord when they said they didn't want to be lumped in with "those satanic clowns" and said they had ideas closer to that of Cascadian BM.
EvilHomer
Fucking kids today, I tell you what. The only good metal band in recent years has been BABYMETAL.

I blame television and a lack of Satanic ritual sacrifices in public schools.

Mother_Puncher
I don't know about "kids". I think HHH is slightly older than I am

EvilHomer
Really? He looks like he's sixteen. I'd check into it, but I really don't want to learn any more about these guys than what I've seen in this video.

Mother_Puncher
I think he's like 26. He acts like a try hard teenager though.

Like, like yeah man. Like we are, like, like the black metal band the uh, like, transcends the, like, uh, typical tropes of, like, the genre. Uh, we, like, don't wear uh, uh, corpse paint and, like, sing about Satan and uh, like, other crap. We rise above, like, everyone else and, like, understand what black metal is really, uh, about.

simon666
EvilHomer, you take that back. Listen to Fleshgod Apocalypse and get back to me.

simon666
PS - This is what happens when people read Nietzsche and Schopenhauer with no guidance.

lotsmoreorcs
Returner
Violation Of The Law
Plant Toxic Bombs In Marble Tombs

Redeemer
Stream The Universal Us
Through Optical ISP Transmission Lines
Crack My Fathers' Spines
And Sail Me To A Chimera

Lay Down A Long Leg
And Elegant Toe
And Let Me Buckle Your Sandal

memedumpster
Gonna' go listen to Abruptum and cut myself now. Thanks, transcendental black metal.
Chancho
I heart Abruptum.

The whole point of black metal is to make it ugly and nasty. These four fruits from a Gap ad are exactly what black metal should NEVER be. Just being noisy and screaming isn't black metal.

cognitivedissonance
JARED SLOAN?!
EvilHomer
... the FUCK?

What Jared Sloan are you talking about?

Stopheles
Wrong website for the in-joke, Max!

(seriously, though, NYBM is its own hilarious world. I swear to God that I saw a black VW Bug decked out with the KRALLICE logo three feet tall on its hood and 3DGY black metal bumper stickers on the back)

cognitivedissonance
Jared Sloan is a mutual acquaintance of a small handful of Poetards. He is a "metal keyboardist".

EvilHomer
Oh, phew, thank God. I know a keyboardist from the New England metal scene by that name. I was scared he'd fallen in with these clowns.

EvilHomer
Oh fuck, no thank God.

Really?

You're not talking about this guy, are you?

http://www.metal-archives.com/artists/Jared_Sloan/51594

cognitivedissonance
That's exactly who we're talking about. Small fucking world.

EvilHomer
Holy shit. Now I'm really curious; how the hell do you other Poetards know J-dogg? Was it something with the anime? Or an IRL connection?

cognitivedissonance
We were originally in the forums of X-entertainment.com. Then those forums fell, and we started Nocarlno.com. And that fell apart about two years ago, and the NCN diaspora has led use here. When Support stops paying the bills, we'll move on. A merry band of e-gypsies, we. Jared has been with us since he was 14.

EvilHomer
So is he HERE?

I know him IRL. Went to highschool with him. He dated an ex of mine, and played in a band with my friends. Haven't seen him for a couple years now (I don't go to parties anymore), but now that I think about it, him being a wandering e-dork known to the PoE collective makes total sense.

He once ditched the band during an important concert, to go pick up girls at an anime convention. Truly a man after my own heart.

cognitivedissonance
That is his MO to a tee. He snubbed me recently, calling ME pretentious. He doesn't understand the depths of my cultural fecalphilia. He doesn't understand I love trash culture so much that I consider it purer than "high/middle brow" culture.

EvilHomer
And don't you guys go saying anything mean about poor J-dogg, either, he was like my little brother. Which I guess should tell you a lot about the both of us. :(

EvilHomer
"He doesn't understand the depths of my cultural fecalphilia."

Yeah, that sounds like him, too. In his defense, though, he's one of the least pretentious people in our extended circle of friends.

Which, again, probably tells you a lot about the sort of people I know. :(

cognitivedissonance
Anything mean that we might say about him is with the loving adoration of tousling the hair of a favorite nephew. He's a compellingly flawed human being.

EvilHomer
Well alright then. I guess that would be acceptable.

I take it you're still in contact with him, so tell that dirty self-doxing bitch to sign up and get in here.

cognitivedissonance
If you're interested, I'd love to interview you for the other side of the Jared.Sloan saga, if you're interested, my email address is adorablepuppies@gmail.com. You have no idea how many people would love to hear it.

CornOnTheCabre
everything cognitivedissonance says is true. please tell him everything you know, this nearly ranks lost book of the bible-tier personal revelation for us.

EvilHomer
I... I can't. I'm sorry. Despite him sleeping with my ex-girlfriend, he and I always got along. He was the first guy I ever knew (besides me) who owned a Savatage t-shirt. That kind of connection sticks with you! Nor do I have all that many stories about him, leastwise, not stories he probably hasn't told you guys already.

I know, I know, we have an obligation to dig up dirt on exhibits. That's one of the responsibilities we agree to shoulder when we take up the mantle of a Poetard. It is a grim and terrible burden that rests upon our brow, and I guess if he's stupid enough to dox himself and then continue doxing himself from the age of 14 clear up until... he's gotta be 27 by now, right? clear up until now, then he's kinda got it coming. But not from me, not yet.

Unless he's cool with it and/or starts badmouthing Rainbow Dash. If he does that, it's war.

cognitivedissonance
Dude, we treat him like a mutant mascot. We love and adore him as much of an annoying braggart as he is. I just want to know what he was like, what his family was like, we know the rough details, but not any actual snapshots. Stopheles, Cornonthecabre, myself, we know him and we hang on any word you can offer. There is no bullying involved. He's an eccentric we consider one of our own. We beg you to reconsider, this is too important. If anything, we're desperate for the second half of our theories about his domineering father. You could help. This is an epic piece of niche journalism.

EvilHomer
OK, I'll think about it, but like I said, I don't know him all THAT well. We were never close friends, and I haven't seen him in a few years, not since I came home from the Army and stopped socializing with people (hell, I don't even check my Facebook anymore). In fact, you guys may even know more about him than me at this point, though granted, this being the internet, he could have lied through his teeth about some stuff. Now I DO know some people who still keep in regular contact with him, so I guess I could ask around, pool our resources.

It's funny you refer to him as a mutant; I actually thought he was a mutant when I first met him. Like no really, a literal mutant, as in, a special needs child afflicted with a crippling genetic disorder. He was much, much weirder as a kid than he is now.

SexualBasalt
I played a show with The Breathing Process. How many people here are from Connecticut, for Christ's sake?

EvilHomer
A lot, I'd imagine. Where else but Connecticut produces such vast numbers of people who are comfortable, bored, and white enough to spend their free time engaging in high-concept mockery of weirdos on the internet?

You don't happen to know anyone from his old band, Nethereal, do you? Most of them are in a New Haven based prog-death group called Xenosis now.

MustardPolice
Sup, Will. Still playing keys?

I have to say that I am happy that my name comes up on the part of the internet that is having open discussion about this kind of a video.

Also, I forgive you for your exaggerations and that bit about you thinking me to be developmentally disabled. It's actually been 7 years since we last interacted, and it was only a few minutes at a time and only a few times when we did. You were very withdrawn at that time, but that is just my unreliable take. Of course our memories have a way of filling in the blanks, especially after a long period of time. Reading your take on a few things was certainly a fun read. Hope things are well (for real).

EvilHomer
It's the internet; we're nothing but lies and exaggerations here!

Has it really been seven years? Shit. And no, you're totally right, I've always been super-withdrawn - still am, actually! I touch base with the old metal crew maybe once every few months - I haven't seen Ernie in a month or so, Gary in about eight months, Mark I've not spoken to in four years (I doubt he'd even recognize me), Mallory I e-mail once a year if I work up the energy to socialize, etc etc. I know I've got this pretend-autistic online persona I've developed, and I'll admit it is a LITTLE exaggerated (like, I don't *actually* go out in public with pony plushies), but the persona is rooted in my real-life anxiety issues. It's a helluva lot easier to socialize with people when it's on a computer screen and nobody knows who the fuck you actually are, then to show up at parties and social gatherings, with beer and noise and people everywhere.

I'm still playing keys. I got out of it around the time we last saw each other (I didn't play at all while I was in service) but I've got back into it over the past couple years or so. Saving up for a new digital piano, that's going to be my Christmas present to myself (any recommendations would be appreciated! I've got some bootlegged synth software on my computer, so voices and shit aren't a concern - I'm looking for great action and a full-sized keyboard, and nothing fancier). I've been thinking of getting a project together with Ernie, too, but it's constantly getting pushed on the back burner, as I'm an antisocial douchebag and he's busy with the new wife and now that bullshit with his condo.

So how are things with you? I take it you're still key-shredding and making Warmen, Johannson, et al look like rank amateurs. Are you playing in any bands currently? If you've got anything like a music video or some mp3s or whatever, I'd love to hear how it's coming along! The only thing I can find of yours is some really old concert footage from Nethereal; I was thinking of submitting it here, for the sake of your NCN fanbase, but the recording quality is shit.

Anyway, it's good to hear from you, man, and I hope you enjoy PoE! This right here is the best internet community ever, so welcome! gooble gobble gooble gobble

EvilHomer
P.S. Just to reiterate, I really wasn't trying to make fun of you! I'm being totally serious when I say always liked you, even though we never got much of a chance to hang out back in the day; you really do remind me of me, in a good way.

You DID seem kinda weird back in your freshman year, or at least, that was the impression we got from a distance. Like, muttering to yourself and staring at people, and there was this one time Ernie said he found you in the bathroom with your leg over your head looking high as shit. But I'll be honest, we were all fucking weirdos (did you know Psycho Steve?), especially back in our own freshman years, and that's part of the reason why we liked you. Hell, I'm still shy, and I mutter to myself all the time, usually when I'm waiting for the bus in downtown New Haven, which is probably the absolute worst place to do something like that. Anyway, I remember me, Ernie, and Mallory all tried talking to you a few times (Ernie said he thought he scared you), and I considered inviting you along to some concerts, but IIRC it really wasn't until later that you started opening up, at least to us. I remember Mallory telling me one day that she'd gotten you to have a conversation with her, and we were all like, oh shit! Awesome! But by that point us upperclassman were pretty much done with school, and for me at least, that meant my hometown socialization was out the window.

Anyway, yeah, for the record guys, he's not REALLY a mutant. At least not to my knowledge.

MustardPolice
Ok sir, do you use any kind of social media? Or contact method outside of here. This place seems to have no comment delete option, and I'm not much into leaving an open permanent self-identifying digital paper trail. I prefer to be able to escape in the dead of night if I must. I'm presumably stalkable on facebook from mutual friends. It would be cool to catch up.

As far as what keyboard to go with, unless you are playing/gigging with a band, i'd just go with a good midi controller. I personally love the m-audio keystation 88. My roland synth pretty much collects dust unless i'm at practice because I go this method. This assumes you have a decent computer/audio interface. I can advise on the absolute best vsts to pirate for any sound possible. Nexus 2 and Symphobia 2 are some of my favorites.

EvilHomer
I haven't checked my social media sites in ages. I think I've got a Facebook account (it's probably linked through Ernie's - it's the one with a picture of a dude in a hardhat and safety goggles, making a grotesque orgasm-face) but I haven't checked that in almost two years now. I was actually thinking of sending you a friend request when I first opened my Facebook account, but then Facebook became too stressful so I quit on it.

Yeah, PoE's really bad for doxing. You can never erase what's said, so I'd recommend you keep your IRL persona on the DL, at least while posting comments here. If you want to get in touch, I guess you could try reaching me at my new DA account, which I set up to post PoE-related garbage, but haven't really done anything with yet:

http://punchysonichu.deviantart.com/

That's really the only place I keep a trail at, besides here. But I've got to warn you: you know how I am. If I don't get back to you for weeks on end, it's nothing on you.

Currently, I'm playing on a Casio Celviano that they've got at work (I LOVE the action on that thing, but the model is no longer being manufactured) and a beat up Yamaha thrift-store special at home. I was thinking about getting a midi controller; that's all I really need/want, especially since I'm not gigging! But all the ones I've tried so far are either too small, have real springy action, or have way too many cost-increasing extra features, like programmable buttons and drum pads I'll nevr use. All I need is 88 weighted keys and a damper, gol-dern it! Maybe a wheel or two to do some pitch bends. I'll keep an eye out for the M-Audio, though. As for software, I've currently got Reason and a copy of Ableton Live that a DJ friend of mine sent me. I've not tried Nexus or Symphobia, but I'll... errrr... NOT check them out, because, uhhh, you know, piracy is wrong. Ahem.

VanGoghFan
I may be mistaken but I am applauded that it seems someone is trying to impersonate me on this forum. I have never used this website and it is bizarre. I have filed a formal complaint, but should anyone see this please known that this is not me in this discussion forum at all. I am not sure why someone would do this :(

Adham Nu'man
I am not big on black metal, and these guys talking sounds like a dog's queef to me, so I have no horse in this race, but their music is actually quite fucking good.
Spaceman Africa
I like Liturgy because they upset all the troo brootal black metal nerds who think every BM band needs to wear corpse paint and have album covers with black and white forests with unreadable logos on them.
CornOnTheCabre
I really like the cover he did for Shellac's "Prayer to God." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HTajp3sGww

besides that, meh

SRP
like..like...like....black metal..like....transcentdentail...like...like...the arc of acceleration and deceleration....like...like...how we're vibing...like....like...like....as if it were coming out of you...like...like...like....like until this song ends.....like.....like....like....like.....like...we are all, like, letting the song do what its going to do....like...like...like...like...like...like...like...its very different every time...like...like..like...like...like..like..like...

like like like LIKE like LIKE, like like LIKE like like.
LIKE.

likelikelikelikelike.

LIKELIKELIKELIKELIKE.


These kids are the valley kids of fucking metal.
Jet Bin Fever
I couldn't stand this video. Insufferably hard to listen to.

Maggot Brain
Vocal fry is so metal~!
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