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Desc:Personally, I want a Leviticus movie...
Category:Religious, Trailers
Tags:noah, Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson
Submitted:Pillager
Date:11/15/13
Views:1552
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Comment count is 52
takewithfood
Maximus Allmighty
il fiore bel
Maybe Wanda Sykes will be funny this time.

kingofthenothing
http://youtubedoubler.com/aSmn

You'd be surprised how well this lines up.

il fiore bel
Holy crap, it does. Where the trailer ends, the song even goes into a nice place to fade out.

Though in this case, it be more "let the bodies hit the flood" not "floor"...

kingofthenothing
Well, the band was called "Drowning Pool"...

memedumpster
Russel Crowe, the man who walked out of an NPR interview because he was culturally offended, may not actually realize he's a rapidly devolving self-parody.
il fiore bel
SPOILER: THE WORLD FLOODS
Rodents of Unusual Size
This movie could have been cool if Darren Aronofsky had the guts to talk about how it was actually maybe the end of the Ice Age and deglaciation that led to a bunch of smaller floods that caused people to migrate to different places and form towns and maybe fight with cavemen and stuff. Sort of like 10,000 BC but with ancient dudes just trying to live with shit that nature throw at them.

Then, throughout the movie, you have the storytellers trying to explain all this shit to people through metaphor that becomes the backbone of the stories in Genesis.

THAT would have been a really bold movie. I am so, so disappointed in him for not doing something like that and instead just cashing in ala Mel Gibson by feeding people an obvious mythic lie that half of all Americans believe actually happened.

I am so fucking depressed now.

Dinkin Flicka
Don't feel too surprised, it's been quite a while since DA has made something great (if you want to think he ever made something great).

I'm semi-fascinated with the "Fear And Trembling" aspect to this, but I'm not really expecting this movie to run with subjectivism. Seems they were more keen to blow the massive budget on CGI (NB: the G stands for God).

Mr. Purple Cat Esq.
C'mon Rodents! You gotta admit this is pretty hilarious! Its already a parody! :)

Binro the Heretic
All of these people know better than this, especially Jennifer Connelly.
Hooker
So what's the most improbable? An amount of water that has never existed on Earth? Every species being able to repopulate itself with two of each? Two of everything being on that boat? Being able to set up ecosystems after the flood? All those people speaking English?
memedumpster
Jesus folded space from Caladan to Arrakis after the Sleeper awakened, that's where the rain came from. The rest of those are too ridiculous to even be explained in Dune magic.

Binro the Heretic
Actually, there were more animals than that.

There were was one mated pair of each kind of "unclean" animal and three mated pairs plus one extra for each kind of "clean" animal.

The biblical definition of "clean" is any animal with wholly split hooves that chews its cud, all creatures of the water with fins and scales and birds that aren't predators or carrion eaters.

The one extra "clean" animal was there so Noah could burn it on an altar to God after the flood subsided.

SteamPoweredKleenex
I don't recall the chapter in Genesis where beardy dudes led a bunch of other beardy dudes in an action sequence where they yelled "TAKE THE ARK FOR SPARTAAAAAA!" and then got geysered to death.

I'm sure it was in there somewhere, since religious storytellers in no way make shit up.

By the by, this is something that's always bugged me. Part of my family are these nigh-literalist Christians, yet they've got no problem with making shit up. I was dragged to their Christmas service where the congregation was all contemporary and crap (they sing pop-song hymns), and then they had their nativity play. It starred a carpenter (no, not the one that can make any party a kegger at whim) who was busy making a nativity set because he had customers wanting them due to all this buzz about the baby Jesus. In the year zero. Even though the first recorded one was from St. Francis over 1200 years after the alleged messiah arrived.

Fuck people who can't even play by their own precious rules.

Vaidency
The most improbable part of the whole thing is the dimensions of the boat.

The bible is very exact about the dimensions of the ark. 300 x 50 x 30 cubits, which is about half the size of a modern container ship. That is too small to fulfill its alleged purpose.

So God could use magic to make all that water appear and disappear, and make animals like kangaroos and grizzly bears appear in the middle east so they could get on the boat, and regrow all the forests and other ecosystems overnight afterward so everything didn't starve, but it's all for naught because he explicitly ordered his faithful servant to toil away on a set of boat schematics that he, in his infinite wisdom, would have known was too small.

As for this movie, at least it's being made by competent professionals instead of the usual fundy whackjobs imitating those professionals who produce most christian media, so it'll probably just suck instead of aggressively sucking.

SteamPoweredKleenex
@Vaidency: Has anyone proposed that God made the Ark into a TARDIS? I wonder if the Beeb would be brave enough to have the Noah story's root be about how the Doctor got some poor sod and his flocks into his time machine just as a flood wiped out his country?

Probably not, but it does highlight how religion often starts invoking magic straight away and some of us start to wonder, "Why not just magic everything? Have everyone who was wicked fucking drop dead or turn to stone or something? That'd be a hell of a lot scarier than a flood."

StanleyPain
Actually, creationists have proposed that the meaning of what constituted a kind of animal was different in those days, so therefore the Ark wasn't actually carrying two of every single living animal, but rather two of each "kind" which would be far, far less. It's a pseudo-science called "Baraminology" which is based on an interpretation of the biblical Baramin, and it's also unsurprisingly really retarded.
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Baraminology

Nominal
There's a good reason that when it comes time to point out a part of the old testament that isn't meant to be taken literally, Naoh's Ark always comes up first.

SteamPoweredKleenex
Except... what's it a metaphor of? That a parent might kill most of you so they'll show you a rainbow and promise not to do it again?

The trouble is it's most likely a tale based on an oral history of some massive flood, so it's written as an actual account of events, not a fable where you learn a moral at the end.

That's why it gives the literalists such conniptions, even though the story is impossible unless you invoke God-Magic, which begs the question of "Why build the ark in the first place if you've got God-Magic?"

memedumpster
SPK, according to the Gnostics, God was killing everyone because He was evil, so Zoe, standing up for what's right, burned down Ark 1.0 for the people. God made him build again, after getting archons to guard his sorry ass.

Unmerciful Crushing Force
Skeptically intrigued until I saw the director's name. Now I am cautiously optimistic and look forward to watching.
Adham Nu'man
Sorry, but only Racist Mellie Gibson could pull this off. 5 for shit.

blue vein steel
He's a good director, but this looks terrible
jreid
Aronofsky, famous for Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, The Wrestler, Black Swan and That Stupid Fucking Bible Movie.

memedumpster
He's so going to jump the Hobbit with this one.

garcet71283
He's a terrible director and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

I mean seriously, did you see the fountain?

SteamPoweredKleenex
Sadly, the most scientifically "accurate" idea in the trailer is reserves of water being trapped under the Earth. If you like harder sci-fi, you might enjoy Stephen Baxter's novels "Flood" and "Ark":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flood_%28Baxter_novel%29
Spaceman Africa
This movie has 6-armed giant angels and alien animals, I don't think they're going for a faithful or scientific adaptation.
SteamPoweredKleenex
But just imagine the action figures.

Did those "Left Behind" idiots ever make toys? McFarlane Toys would've probably done the best four horsemen figs ever.

Koda Maja
I don't know how I feel about this Waterworld prequel.
deadpan
I'm hoping Aronofsky just goes fully into mythology and rather than filling the ark with two of every animal that we know exists today, it's two of every animal that a bunch of uneducated farmers in ancient Israel knew about along with an assortment of gryphons, manticores, centaurs and dragons.
Quad9Damage
Creationists:

lecitadin6911 hours ago

I don,t know how many times in movies they'll try to make this so ridiculous sory beleivable, but at least, this version seems to show a psychopatic God really is by creating a genocide that makes Hitler's genocide look like nothing.
Reply 2
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TheisticWisdom10 hours ago

Hitler didn't create the world or humans. God is the Creator, and if He decided to wipe out the world because it was completely evil and wicked, then He knows better than you.
Reply 9

an2qzavok10 hours ago

+TheisticWisdom God is pro-choice? Neat.
Reply

Zac Neubert8 hours ago

+TheisticWisdom
Totally. God has every right to drown all the babies he wants. They were wicked anyway.
Reply

lecitadin697 hours ago

Yep. Gos is por-choice!
Reply

DragonJo646 hours ago

God destroyed the world to protect it. God made the flood because mankind had sinned against him and was destroying itself. i find it kind of funny that you mock us, when creationism is actually a lot more believable and has a lot more evidence.
Reply 2

Good Friday6 hours ago

I guess Lecitadin69 would rather watch a movie from the Koran and how muslims hates Christians!
Nominal
We had to destroy the world to protect it.

Nominal
Actually, "destroying everything before ever admitting that you're wrong" is something god truly does share with conservatives.

gravelstudios
This seems to be approached from the 'Bible as Mythology' viewpoint, which I think is fine. Heck, it might even be a really good movie. But my problem is this: Imagine going to see Jason and the Argonauts, and realizing part of the way through that most of the audience believes it REALLY, REALLY happened. There's a creepiness factor at work that just freaks me out.
memedumpster
Okay, maybe there is hope, test audiences are a bit bleaty about it.

http://screenrant.com/darren-aronofsky-noah-movie-controversy- discussion/

CG still looks bad though.
memedumpster
From the comments :

"Since when does the Biblical story need embellishment? The simple fact that it had never rained before this is sufficient to the extraordinary event that was about to take place. Never mind the arrival of all the animals for loading."

SteamPoweredKleenex
Have the hacks at the discovery institute chimed in about there being no dinosaurs on the ark?

And will there be a scene where Noah catches a glimpse of the unicorns on the hilltop just as a wave wipes them out?

memedumpster
The big table model at the Creation Museum with the ark floating away full of animals and the reject animals and humans on the rocks all looking on like "wtf" cracked me up for minutes.

Quad9Damage
God's a Dick: The Motion Picture
baleen
Somebody stab Aronofsky in the face.
StanleyPain
Wow, this looks fucking awful. I figured since this was Aranofsky it was going to be some kind somber drama, not fucking Lord of the Rings Biblical Edition.
kingofthenothing
Aaaaaaaaaaaand Hermione's not hot anymore.
Adham Nu'man
I wouldn't mind repopulating the Earth with her.

Quad9Damage
Same here, except I would also knock up Jennifer Connellly to quicken the process.

Nominal
And I thought Evan Almighty was the lowest they could stoop with this fable.
cognitivedissonance
You didn't see Fantasia 2000.

Two words: Donald Duck.

SteamPoweredKleenex
Donald Duck had more dignity than this, and it was treated the way it should be: As an animated fairy tale for children. I don't suppose it occurred to those lauding Disney's "Noah Duck" that it's on a par as "evidence" as The Sorcerer's Apprentice, has it?

Also, Evan Almighty managed to dump the FX budget for an AAA-list action/genre movie into a freaking second-rate comedy. Ugh.

Rodents of Unusual Size
YAWN.

Wake me up when you make a movie about Watcher angels having sex with human women in the book of Enoch and creating a race of giants (Nephelim) that run amuck and rape everyone and rule over puny humans and cause God's anger to begin with.

This is some seriously edited shit, son.
Quad9Damage
Maybe the Nephlim are in the movie and were just left out of the trailer.

Maybe instead of the angry mob rushing the ark, it's a race of rapey giants and wayward angels. Noah's family is all flummoxed about what to do, but Noah is poker-faced because, you know, God.

Sure enough, appearing from out of nowhere are an army of raptors and unicorns, led by Noah's wise Minotaur friend. The Minotaur yells "RUN, YOU FOOLS!" and Noah's clan packs into the ark. The fight lasts all of seven seconds before flood waters wipe out both armies, including the Minotaur, raptors and unicorns in a clusterfuck of disappointment and wasted money. The real fight is on the extended Blu-ray edition.

The Minotaur laughs triumphantly before his mind is crushed by the crashing waves.

Jet Bin Fever
Flood myths are soooo 1000bc.
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