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Desc:It knows what scares you.
Category:Educational, Horror
Submitted:John Holmes Motherfucker
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Comment count is 38
Bobonne - 2013-11-26
The most useful How To video yet.
Spaceman Africa - 2013-11-26
oh boy another hilarious HowToBasic video!
MurgatroidMendelbaum - 2013-11-27
oh boy another hilarious HowToBasic video!

Cube - 2013-11-27
Fuck Google. They already have the search engine business, the web page traffic analyzing business, the web advertising business, the largest video library, a lot of the e-mail business, large chunk of cell phone operating systems, they're trying to get in the money business with Google Wallet, they're tracking people with WLAN and GPS and now they're trying to shove Google Fiber down peoples' throats so they could control the rest of the Internet as well.

And they're doing it by the expense of privacy and usability -- they've already started to promote paid search engine results over the real ones.

"Don't be evil". Fuck you, Google.
Nominal - 2013-11-27
Did you not see how much WACKY FUN Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson had working there?

EvilHomer - 2013-11-27
But Google is not evil. Google is good. Google is your friend. Google watches over you, because Google loves you. Why do you resist Google? You have nothing to fear. Only evil people have anything to hide.

.... you aren't evil, are you, Cube?

Cube - 2013-11-27
Well, a bit.

Potrod - 2013-11-27
I haven't ever used Google Fiber but between Google and Verizon/Time Warner I think I'd take my chances with Google.

FreeOJ - 2013-11-27
another unique how to vid
Binro the Heretic - 2013-11-27
Okay, I'm not going to watch the video, but based on the preview image, I'm going to make a prediction:

The guy carries a laptop with the YouTube home page on the screen into his bathroom where he pours milk on and smashes eggs into it.

Am I close?
EvilHomer - 2013-11-27
Close. He does not bring his laptop into the bathroom, instead, he brings a picture of GOOGLE+ that he had taped to his laptop into the bathroom.

The laptop gets egged in his kitchen.

John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-11-27
What you're both missing are the death threats from Google.

This is the only "How To" video to ever interest me even a little bit, because it's the best representation I've seen, in surreal fashion, of exactly what it's been like lately if you're on youtube.

As a Linux fanboiy, I've always loved Google, but there's no more escaping the fact that Google is Evil as Hell. Under the pretense of cleaning up the comments, they're pushing a "Real Names only" policy that has already failed spectacularly in Facebook, if the goal is for users to be safe and civil with each other. While users have been abusive and insulting to each other in YouTube, in Facebook bullies have been hounding kids, sometimes to the point of taking their own lives. Every REAL internet horror story is a Facebook story. Amanda Todd is a Facebook story.

Google wants you to use your real name for the same reason why Facebook requires it, because it's good for their "open and connected" business model, because when your seventh grade girlfriend sends you some bullshit about farm animals, that's more data for them to mine.

And they're fucking lying about this. They could easily let us block belligerant users, I'm sure. They could make a button for that, simple and effective. But when you're Google, every problem is going to have to be solved with Google Plus.

If the idea is to make it so that there are consequences for being a troll, won't there be consequncences for unpopular opinions? Guess I'd better stop being critical of 4chan!

Believe me when I tell you this: these pieces of shit would never voluntarily make their computers insecure in the same way that they now expect us to make our own lives insecure. They're entitled to make money, but they're not getting my name.

Google Plus has got to me a datamining powerhouse, a real monster. Imagine if Facebook was attached to your email, your online backup, your youtube account, your blogs. All in one place, with onje login. Calling it "datamining" seems misleading, because mining is work. Call it a data buffet.

Gmork - 2013-11-27
These stars have waited patiently for the right moment. That moment is now.

Bort - 2013-11-27
You've earned 'em, JHMf.

Adham Nu'man - 2013-11-27
Ok, I have a youtube channel, it's not under my name. Google insisted on linking my google+ thing to youtube, but I retained my channel. So now, whenever I login I have the option to post a comment under my google+ profile or under my channel's profile. It also seems that I have a youtube channel associated to my google+ profile (a channel which I do not use).

Seems allright enough to me. Am I missing something?

Eternalurker - 2013-11-27
Jet Bin Fever - 2013-11-27
Not even clever this time.
misterbuns - 2013-11-27
Boomer The Dog - 2013-11-27
It's an important part of free speech to allow anonymous commenting and critique.

-1 for destroying laptop, I could have used that right now, my two laptops are broken. It did make a point though.

EvilHomer - 2013-11-27
Amen! Anonymity is critical; even if certain people choose not to exercise their right to it, anonymity MUST remain an option, or else the internet will quickly cease to be a tool that facilitates freedom and progress. Without anonymity, there is no freedom of speech, and without freedom of speech, there is no internet.

It'd also be no fucking fun.

EvilHomer - 2013-11-27
Also, what do you think Google would do about you and your name, Boomer? Google's changed their tactics in the Nym Wars so many times it's impossible to keep track, but if it weren't for all the negative consumer backlashes, I'm certain Google would force everyone into a one-account, real-name-only setup within a day's time. That'd be especially problematic for you, though - can you imagine the conniption Google would have if you insisted your name was *actually* Boomer the Dog?

Hehe, I remember one time, back in the early days of Google+, they were being so pushy that I actually got locked out of my Youtube account for a whole week because I refused to give them my real name. I tried circumventing the name-gate by saying my name was "Fuck Google" and "Google Go Home", but their censors weren't having any of it and they kept rejecting my entries.

Boomer The Dog - 2013-11-29
Hi Homer, I had trouble with Facebook that way, I innocently wanted to use Boomer The Dog as my name, but they rejected it as not a real name, and said I'd have to go through arbitration to get it. I was new to Facebook and wanted my name, just like when signing up for an e-mail or account on a forum, and didn't think about the tracking, that was 4 years ago.

I thought that when I got the name Boomer The Dog legally, then I'd start to post under other pseudonyms as I needed to. I've always used fake info to sign up to sites, then have Boomer as alias that's shown to the world. I make up fanciful names, combining a Dog's name with a scientist or something, like J. Pongo Tesla, I just have fun with it.

I tried to block all of the Google Plus popup addresses on Youtube, and I was still able to get in by I think going to the home page and to the upload page from there. I haven't tried to log in this month so far, so I'll have to see what happens.

I can see where John Holmes is coming from, and I do think they're evil, Homer. Goog could get so big with this that even if the government would step in, Goog could retaliate by disabling all of the government's G+ documents or blocking access through Chrome. It might sound like conspiracy theory, but I don't think it's out of the question.

For now I've gotten a cookie blocker, blocked Google Analytics and Doubleclick as much as I can, and have flash supercookies on a timed delete, and have a Firefox extension I just got, Google/Yandex search link fix that is supposed to take out Google modified links on their search, and take you right to the page.


EvilHomer - 2013-11-29
Yeah, Google's pretty nefarious. I never really forgave them for caving in on that China thing - the Internet was always supposed to be a tool for liberation, a decentralized playground that didn't have to answer to any one self-proclaimed authority figure. The idea was that, because the internet was so free and so powerful, any group which sought to deprive it's members of knowledge or free speech was shit outta luck. Repressive regimes, like China, were going to be fighting a losing battle against the internet. This was the theory promulgated by early net pioneers, and for awhile, it looked liked it was going to come true. China was a perfect test-case, and Google was in a great position to show the world that no, information WILL be free. And then the fuckers blinked. They quietly backed down against China, making some lame-ass excuse - "Well, we can do more good in the world if, uhhh, we play along, uhhh, to get China's business. You know, cuz chucking democracy advocates under the bus is a small price to pay for Chinese money, money which we can then use to, uhhhh... use to, hmmm... lemme get back to you on that."

I stuck with Google through Street View, cuz I thought Street View was kinda neat. I stuck with Google the whole early Google+ fiasco, when they were trying to shove their products down my throat like they were Microsoft on meth. It wasn't until Porngate and their evasive, bullshit excuses (you are NOT trying to "make my searches more relevant", you are simply removing features and locking us into your censored search which has been optional and standard for years!), that I finally said to hell with them, but I can't get rid of them fully. There's just no way, they're fucking everywhere. Google Search, I don't use anymore, and I don't regret leaving. Youtube, though, I've been with YT since Google was still in nappies, so fuck them, THEY should be the ones to leave Youtube, not me. And my phone is an Android, because the only other alternatives are fucking Microsoft or worse, Apple. (Google may be slightly more evil than Microsoft at this point, but Googs has got a long way yet to reach Apple's levels of asshattery)

I really don't see why they haven't been slammed with any anti-trust rulings yet - I know there were a few in the works, but they all got quietly shelved some time ago. I don't really do conspiracy theories either, but you might be right, Boomer - Google might have become too big a monster for the government to slay.

Boomer The Dog - 2014-06-30
Homer, it's good that we watch and look at details instead of just being consumers. 'Consumers' are part of the problem, they want more more more.

I thought the first crack in Google was when they started to block search results when corporations wanted them to block results for so-called 'pirated' materials, torrents and things like that. It might have started before that with Safe Search.

Once corporations, governments intruded, and Google agreed, I had that uneasy feeling. I thought that Google could be an uncensored source of info of any kind, claim free speech at all times and never touch a thing, and ride that precedent. They'd be like a public library, with even more responsibility to remain untouched, as keepers of knowledge on a larger scale.

It would then be the responsibility of users, with software solutions on every computer that wanted them in use.

If they had never crossed that line with search..


memedumpster - 2013-11-27
The only one of these I liked.
sasazuka - 2013-11-27
To be honest, I unabashedly prefer the new comments on Youtube, since you can post links again, and write in full paragraphs, and you can edit your comments, and you don't have to fit your thoughts into 500 characters without having to make multiple comments.

Maybe Google should have introduced those improvements to Youtube comments without having to integrate your Google Plus account (or create a new Google Plus account if you did not already have one), but, I already had a Google Plus account (well, multiple ones depending if I want to comment with my real name or a pseudonym), so I don't have a problem with the changes.
sasazuka - 2013-11-27
Sorry, "depending on whether", not "depending if", which makes it sound like an illiterate wrote it.

John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-11-28
For what it's worth, I also love the new You Tube comments, which give me the room to have a real discussion. When you can make a fully developed point, these arguments often end on a satisfying note of mutual respect. I'm totally serious.

Google Plus is okay, though I'm not interested in using it to contact anyone that I can reach with with email. These social networks fall down because you can only use them to talk to people on the network. So why are they better than email, forums, irc?

I'm using G+mostly as a kind of bookmarking system, and a way of monitoring youtube comments. I like it better than Facebook.

EvilHomer - 2013-11-28
Hey John, are you still making videos? Also, do you mind if I do any fanart of you? I figure it'd be good to ask first, so I don't offend you by accident.

John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-11-28

I just got a decent camera, finally, and i started a weekly vlog. Here's episode 1, which is bound to be especially random and rough. Episode 2 comes out tomorrow, god willing, and hopefully it'll show a little polish.


Do what you will, and I'll let you know if I'm offended, which is not a big deal, happens all the time.

EvilHomer - 2013-11-28
Yes, I know it happens all the time. Hence the asking!

John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-11-28
Well, asking permission may not make a difference. but maybe being offensive doesn't make a difference, either. Somebody recently posted a picture of my head on a rat's body, and I loved that so much i put that in my videos.


I guess it's nice of you to ask. thanks for that.

EvilHomer - 2013-11-29
That's a pretty awesome rat! Was that someone from Bo-news? Or one of your Youtube fans?

Anyway, there are a couple ideas I'm toying with, though I must warn you, I'm still quite bad at painting so odds are none of this will come out looking very good. Originally, I was going to try and do an Elvgrenesque painting for the Holidays, of Christmas Boxxy as a sexy pin-up Santa's Little Helper. You would be in there as Santa, maybe with Boxxy on your knee, or maybe in the background, hiding in some bushes.

Now I'm thinking I'm going to do Boxxy as a sexy pin-up fantasy/fetish princess, and put you in there as her grizzled old knight-protector. I think that idea would be less rapey, and the symbolism would be more nuanced - evoking both Boxxy's status as internet royalty, and your own self-perceived relationship with her.

Do you have any photos of you looking stern and thoughtful, maybe at a three-quarter view?

John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-12-01

Okay, that seems kind of dumb to me, but maybe that doesn't matter. I mean, that's not the way it is. The reality is that she's the hero, and , as the ideal muse, she saved me. She taught me to see web video as an art form, and that's tied my whole life together. I studied cinema in the seventies at Binghamton with Ken Jacobs and Larry Gottheim, and she's showing me how to finally use that. There is a dark side to my relationship with Catie, but it has more to do with envy than with lust. I never understood before now how envy could be one of the deadly sins.

The ratboy was the creation of Boxxylvr, who picked a fight with me in CatieChan because of some throwaway reference to feminism, and he's been trolling me ever since. He seems to think that I'm his nemesis, but I've come tio think of him as an interesting character. He's an original for sure. He ciites holocaust denial literatuire, and is obsessively pro-marijuana. He hates feminism becauses it's "part of a larger global agenda".

RocketBlender - 2013-11-27
Needs way more eggs.
Monkey Napoleon - 2013-11-28
The real irony in all this google/youtube backlash is that, obviously, a lot people believed they had some measure of privacy in the first place.

How hard is it, really, to make a gmail/g+/youtube secondary identity under a pseudonym and migrate your subscriptions and whatnots over? If your concern is privacy from other posters, that solves your problem right there. If your concern is privacy from google, well... I don't know how to break this to you but ya dun goofed.
John Holmes Motherfucker - 2013-11-28
It's not hard, but they're trying to make it illegal, and technological advances may make it harder in the future. It pisses me off to have to steal something that already belongs to me, and in my opinion, the time to object is now, because when they catch you sneaking around a year down the road it'll be too late, and you'll have lost the moral high ground. I'm not going to go along, and I'm not going to pretend to go along.

We need to take the long view on this, This is a conscious attempt to change the rules of the internet. The most powerful entity in the online world is making a grab for power. That's fucked up. According to Time magazine, Google is trying to solve death. Extravagant ambition plus a lust for power equals fascism.

My immediate plan is to upload a video in which I publicly make it clear that I'm not going to use my real name, and Google can do what they want about that. If I have to start uploading to Vimeo, I'll include permission for people to upload my videos to their channels, so that, if I ever accidentally release a good one, it'll stand a chance of being seen. Right now, there are people on Google whose "real names" include things like Googleplus Sucksass.

M-DEEM - 2013-11-28
If that's what your stool looks like, google+ is a secondary concern.
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