I can't believe this 'incredible' 'true story' isn't a Lifetime original movie.
Oh man, I remember when this kid was on Fox News being interviewed about his heaven adventure with his dad. He spoke maybe two sentences the entire time while dad said everything else for him.
Also dad was a fat, barely articulate Teabagger prototype but for some reason that didn't carry over into the movie.
Personally I think this kid is just practicing his cold reading technique on his family. "Did you have a father? You did! Was he old when he died? Yes, I'm sensing he was old when he died, and then I saw him, in heaven! Before he was old, was he young? Yes, because in heaven, he was young! Did you call him something? Was it...dad? No? Pop? Yes, that's what he said you called him! In heaven! Where I met him! Listen, dad, I'm going to need you to buy me an Xbox or I might have to tell Saint Peter about some of the stuff Pop did in the war."
Sexy Duck Cop
Cena Mark: That exact scenario happened to me on Christmas Day, only my mom didn't have any church meeting to attend and pretty much just vacantly watched me puke all day. And my appendix didn't burst, it just became gangrenous.
Heaven is for White People
|Adham Nu'man |
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!
First of all, as a former Firefighter and an atheist it pisses me off to no end that firefighters are constantly used as a symbol of White, Republican, God-fearing Americkay. Jesus fucking Christ it's just people doing a fucking job, not your go-to-image for RACIST GOD-FEARING SUPERHERO.
It's also very nice to see that in heaven, where we have no bodily form and we're just spiritual beings of pure love, we still seem to be incredibly obsessed with our shitty little nuclear families, to the point where your dead fetus sister and great grandfather will come and look for you as soon as you arrive because God forbid little Burpshit just joins the collective soul or whatever, no no no no no, he has to hang out with grandpappy and corpsefetus-girl CAUSE THAT'S HIS FAMILY GODDAMNIT.
Thirdly, it's nice to see that pappy there is going to teach Bursphit how to properly punch kids that make fun of him: JUST LIKE CHRIST WOULD HAVE DONE!
When I get to heaven, I'm going to be like, bump this, and I'll stay out late with all the floozie souls every single night. And my family's going to be all, "where's Soul Homer", waiting up for me and shit, but they'll be waiting and waiting and my dinner'll get cold and then three days later I'll swing by for a shower. And I'm like sneaking in through my sister's window but I'll be all shitfaced and stuff, so then I lose my balance and knock over shit and my bitch sister's all, "MOM SOUL HOMER IS WRECKING UP MY ROOM AGAIN" an I'll be like, screw you slag! You guys aren't the boss of me! GOD IS THE BOSS OF ME NOW.
Then I'll run off and join a group of crusties I met on the Heaven Internet. We'll haunt people back on Earth, and my family will get real uncomfortable every time they see us on the news.
|Rodents of Unusual Size |
I actually believe that a tunnel of light and all sorts of afterlifes are possible but I kind of prefer the Dinosaurs version where Ethel finds out you should shut the fuck up about it.
Seriously, just shut the fuck up about it. Who cares if he did see grandpappy? Did he give you any life advice? NO? Well how about sex tips for the future? NO? Gardening tips? Bowling tips? Q tips? NO? Well then shut the fuck up about it.
"They used the word, 'MIRACLE.'"
And I'll use the word, "TURD.'"
Greg Kinnear is basically the actor version of a sports bust. He started out with so much potential and a such a bright future, but it has just been one staggering and frustrating disappointment after another with him.
Pure Fucking Evil.
The afterlife is really fucking banal. Didn't talk to God, didn't get enlightened, no cosmic wisdom or anything, just "oh hey I'm a stillbirth and here's your granpappy."
Maybe heaven is an isolated mindscape where our thoughts create a personal universe, which would make sense since the big universe was created from the mind of God. This means the Jews are heroes for killing Jesus, because now that violent bastard war god is trapped in the Matrix and can't get to us anymore. Somewhere He's having delusions of wiping us out over and over, but wakes up on the third day and we're all back and He can't remember why.
Thank you, Agent Jews. Thank you.
I did not understand your comment, but I liked it.
Rodents of Unusual Size
Yeah, why would Jesus want to destroy us? Why is he a war god all of a sudden? Not that I have a problem with this.
Just to be clear, I have absolutely no respect for Greg Kinnear. That said...I thought he was better than this.
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