Old Zircon, 80s sex comedy archaeologist extraordinary, furrowed his brow at the dig site. Something wasn't right. Long ago he had earned the accolades of his colleagues for discovering the outer foundations of the buried kingdom of Kaufman, and then again when the uncovering of the Porky's dynasty temple had provided a central landmark for branching out to the rest of the lost city. He had even stumbled across the burial chamber of not only Screwballs, but Screwballs II. Many had believed that to be the final discovery, the hidden inner sanctum of shlock. It seemed natural to rest on his laurels, letting the tide of academia sweep him along to ivory tower tenure, but something, some inner spark of frustrated unappreciated virgin underdog kept tapping inside his head.
A startling hollow crack rang out through the chamber, bringing the chisel's progress to a halt. He tapped again, same sound. He threw the tool down, grabbing for his brush. The sand scattered from the surface of what appeared to be an untouched stone slab. As the initial layer was stripped away, he began scratching into the remaining earth, tracing outlines of several depressions. Sharp, carved grooves. Man made! As the outlines became clearer, he recognized it as PeeWeeian, the ancient dialect of the priest sect, not used since the reign of Pharaoh Bob Clark Ramesses. An entire new sublevel! Buried deeper than any previous finding! How far down did the winding tunnels go?
You laugh, but I don't even have to leave my chair to see a VHS tape of "Free Ride" (the screwball comedy with the amazing and depressing Ruth Gordon oil wrestling scene... or maybe it's mud, I only watched it once).
Wait, no, that's Mugsy's Girls. Free Ride has geriatric Mamie Van Doren.
I lost most of my collection about 6 years ago but I managed to salvage about 50 tapes, and maybe 10 of them are horrible 80s screwball comedies.
Ruth Gordon oil wrestling? That is depressing.
5 stars for bra-less girls high school tennis team, -1 star for zero tits past 7 minutes.
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