Making spelunking boring and even more unsexy.

Because cooking the stuff in butter and eating it is just too civilized for this wildman.

Based on his techniques, I should be obese.

I think his cave is near a golf course.

ugh. I couldn't make it past 3:15. Spoil if you need to but is he just smoking pot the whole time or does he do something cool?

"Now, I don't know if anybody's ever shown how to breathe into the intestines."

If you've ever had gas cramps you know that the last thing you want is air in your goddamn intestines, you fucking kook.

Based on how easy it is to see his ribs, I'm willing to believe he hasn't eaten in a while. Water, obviously he wouldn't last more than a few days. "Your stomach is a third lung." Shine on, you crazy diamond.

"I live on the land"

Has candlestick holder he bought from Homegoods in the background for .99

I want to lock this guy in a jail with no food or water for weeks and see how long before he dies.

A very committed liar.