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Desc:His daughter's actually kind of awesome.
Category:Video Games, Horror
Tags:Something Awful, lowtax, Lets Play, slenderman, kids who will turn out okay
Submitted:Sexy Duck Cop
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Comment count is 56
WHO WANTS DESSERT - 2014-03-14
By all accounts Lowtax is an alcoholic pill-popper who lives off of the residual income of a dying website that he hates and whose best friend (and babysitter for his daughter) is a gay babyfur who can't decide what gender pronouns they want to use. And now he's using his poor daughter to desperately eke out some relevance and stave off his midlife crisis.
Hooker - 2014-03-14
Yeah, but we post on poeTV.

oddeye - 2014-03-14
Got to say, Chet for all his faults (including his extremely ugly face and probable stench) won this one.

EvilHomer - 2014-03-14
I can't say for sure whether I'm a better man than Lowtax, but at least I never got beat up by Uwe Boll.

Also, I'm pretty sure nobody on poe went on a shooting rampage, molested children, or committed a double murder. So we're still better than SA.

Pillager - 2014-03-14
Probably, we're more discreet.

EvilHomer - 2014-03-14
Well, whatever, it's only wrong if you get caught.

NancyDrewFan123 - 2014-03-14
The good ol days of POE you'd be more likely to convince one of the subjects to do the murders for you.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
I have no idea how Something Awful was constantly on the verge on bankruptcy at the peak of its popularity, yet now can afford Lowtax a spacious middle-class home for his family, but good for him.

Also one of my friends trained Lowtax for his fight with Uwe Boll. I suggested he keep that our little secret.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
(Sorry, meant to do one post)

Said friend used his **INSIDE CONNECTIONS** to get me a free SA forum account, and holy shit did that rabbit hole lead to dark places. I never posted, probably because the only forum I read was Helldump 2000, the one where SA posters would dig up dirt on other members. The results were worse than you could imagine.

Basically, they found dozens and dozens of high-profile posters who, with even cursory research, had biographies that made Chris-Chan seem charming and emotionally stable. So many, in fact, that Helldump held an annual Pedocaust, where they outed and purged about a dozen pederast posters a year. Eventually, Helldump became a victim of its own success and was closed, because maybe finding legions of child molesters on your ostensible comedy site is kinda weird if you think about it???

WHO WANTS DESSERT - 2014-03-14
One of SomethingAwful's most prolific moderators got banned a few months ago because people found out that he was on the sex offender registry for repeatedly raping a 10 year-old girl he had babysat as a teenager. Despite working there for years apparently nobody on the administration team had thought to Google the dude's name.

Also both their programmer and their advertising guy quit last year because Lowtax wasn't actually paying them, so if you go to the forums on a mobile phone or without adblock you're constantly bombarded by malware and browser hijacks because there is literally nobody at the wheel.

Caminante Nocturno - 2014-03-14
I always figured the pedophile jokes and accusations you all threw at me were desperate projecting cast at an easy target. Fox that cries the loudest, and all that.

BHWW - 2014-03-14
Also, the SA forums are a pit, there's whole sections devoted to socially-retarded goons begging same for advice on how to deal with their screwed up lives.

Hooker - 2014-03-14
It's not really an accusation when you act like a pedophile.

EvilHomer - 2014-03-14
Yeah, Caminante, you're not exactly in the closet. But we know you're cool, cuz you wouldn't mess with no gross 3D loli.

Kid Fenris - 2014-03-14
The SA Forums are the only large online discussion hive that I can stand, though I guess that's not saying much.

I mostly just read the political forum and the comic-strip thread. And sometimes the retro-gaming thread. I don't have time for much more, so all of these rumors and revelations are new to me.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
Yeah, Caminante's the most charming pedo I've ever not-met, solely because I know the papercut scars he has all over his wiener prevent him from being able to penetrate actual human females.

Seriously, it's like an aggressively convoluted water slide at an Emirati theme park. When erect.

Redford - 2014-03-14
No one has mentioned this, but at any and all rules on the SA fourms (and any game or group affiliated with them) are random are batshit insane. Basically, the whole thing is summed up to a microscientology wherein if you don't think and act in the exact way that Lowtax wants you to, then you have to pay him another five dollars to get another chance. I have no idea what those five dollars are actually spent on, since you get no account security whatsoever in an environment where admins are encouraged to ban you if you make a post with "lol" in it.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
(Caminante prints out a sexy .gif of a blue-haired mermaid who is also in fifth grade)

Caminante: ( ^^ o ^^ ) ~*~*~*~OHHhhhHHHOOO RIKKO-CHAN!!~*~*~*~ =^_^= *BWING*

(Caminante rolls freshly-printed, like 10 billion DPI 10x11 printer paper around his penis, immediately gets circular paper cut around base, bleeds heavily all over image of Rikko-Chan)

Caminante: yeah you like it dirty

EvilHomer - 2014-03-14
I liked Something Awful back in the early days, and I like the snippets I see when they open up their paywall, but yeah, it's one hopelessly mismanaged fuck-all. It's at once the best and the worst place on the internet.

Maybe the SA staff uses the money to pay off their sex-abuse victims, like the Catholic Church or the BBC?

Hooker - 2014-03-14
It's ten dollars now. I know this because the pro wrestling discussion on SA is the only pro wrestling discussion on the Internet that's not aggressively retarded in one way or another, but, while I was willing a year ago to pay to participate in it, I'm just not quite willing to pay .

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
The advice threads were pretty much the only thing I've ever read SA for. They're pretty astounding.

I've heard rumors that Moot was among the people who were banned for suspected pedo behavior back when helldump existed, and/or that the founding members of 4chan were largely made up of people who had been banned or chased of SA because of helldump related stuff. I don't know if it's true but it sure sounds plausible.

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
Incidentally, these let's play kind of hings are one of the only things Lowtax has done that actually entertain me, although I can't put my finger on exactly why they do.

Syd Midnight - 2014-03-15
Lowtax recently had a Soviet-style purge of moderators, and repealed most of the rules in the General Bullshit forum. So if you were scared of being banned by crazy overzealous mods, now's your chance.

Not many of the people in the Goons video are actually goons, but all of Sexy Duck Cop's goon.txt quotes below are real. (Pipe smoking goon was also a high profile PoE member, anyone remember who?)

EvilHomer - 2014-03-15
OZ, you are correct about Moot. He was indeed a goon; I'm not sure what his user name was or his reason for leaving, however. I'd herd he jumped ship because SA was too hostile towards weeaboos and he wanted to make a place where he could talk about anime in peace, but getting outed as a pedo sounds like an equally likely scenario.

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
I think I read the "Moot started 4chan as a haven for goons kicked out in a pedo purge" rumor on ED back when it was still relevant, so yeah, who knows if there's any truth to it.

Bort - 2014-04-26
I want to say pipe goon was stationary tornado, but I am not at all certain about it.

That guy - 2014-03-14
I have almost 0 context for Lowtax.
The kid is hilarious, though.
EvilHomer - 2014-03-14
He's the webmaster of SomethingAwful, which may be viewed as either the poor man's Portal of Evil or the thinking man's 4chan, depending on how you want to look at it.

spikestoyiu - 2014-03-14
He was trolled and beat up by Uwe Boll.

Riskbreaker - 2014-03-14
somethingawful is a site that furiously made fun of furries, weirdos and people with terrible social skills. It has a forum made mostly of furries, weirdos and people with terrible social skills.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
Something Awful Goons are an a uniquely terrible subtype of Internet nerd that embraces the worst forms of hypocrisy and ugliness. Think Chris-Chan trolls.


About 90% of these were lifted from a singl thread, goons.jpeg, that was nothing but pictures of forum members who voluntarily uploaded humiliating pictures of themselves.

Lowtax is their god.

Nominal - 2014-03-14
Something Awful is to internet culture what the church of the flying spaghetti monster is to religion: a parody that goes on long enough for it to become just as bad as the target they mock.

EvilHomer - 2014-03-14
OH THANK YOU! Sexy Duck Cop, I've been looking for that Pipe Smoking Goon picture for years. It was one of my favorite pics, but I lost it ages ago.

Do you remember it's original filename?

That guy - 2014-03-14
WOW that video. It's like the Anti Jogging-Then-Go-To-Work Club.

Spaceman Africa - 2014-03-14
Lowtex is the creator of SA, which is indirectly responsible for most of the humor that goes on around the internet.

baleen - 2014-03-14

I can't read all the shit on this page. I often wonder why Kyanka has not been able to carve a creative career from his empire. I mean, really, some screenplays, an online video series, something. It just seems like he should have blossomed.

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
Nominal, your analogy works but I'd like to point out that both the Flying Spaghetti Monster and SA were already awful from day one.

PoE Red: SA :: SA : 4chan

SA : 4Chan :: 4Chan : Reddit

4Chan : Reddit :: Reddit : 9gag

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
I'm happy to see that even the photos of me from the original PoeCon, which are probably the least flattering photos of me ever taken (and that's saying something, there are some pretty astoundingly bad ones from high school floating around) are pretty respectable compared to the least awful photos in that Goons video.

EvilHomer - 2014-03-15
"I'm happy to see that even the photos of me from the original PoeCon, which are probably the least flattering photos of me ever taken (and that's saying something, there are some pretty astoundingly bad ones from high school floating around) are pretty respectable compared to the least awful photos in that Goons video."

I don't believe you. Where are these photos, that we might compare?

EvilHomer - 2014-03-15
http://www.alienjack.com/poecon/conpix.html ?


Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
According to Wikipedia:

US diplomat Sean Smith, who was killed in the U.S. Consulate attack in Benghazi, Libya, was a moderator of Something Awful's Debate & Discussion forum under the username Vilerat.
CornOnTheCabre - 2014-03-14

CornOnTheCabre - 2014-03-14
no seriously

Syd Midnight - 2014-03-15
He was also diplomat for Goonfleet in EVE Online. His last words in chat were "fuck! gunfire!"

misterbuns - 2014-03-14
Sort of related:

I met Shmorky once. He was in town for his birthday and does comic stuff with some of my friends.

He was one of the most odd and gentle people I've ever met.

He was like a kami of the good part of the internet. Some strange spiritual entity that had awkwardly taken human form and couldn't really be related to and didn't really belong here.
Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
He's what makes the Lowtax Youtube videos for me.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
This discussion inspired me to blow the dust off my old SA account and share some choice quotes with you guys. I pulled these totally at random, with less than 30 seconds of searching. Seriously.

"Notice how you switched terms here. Children can consent to sexual relationships in the sense that they are able to say 'yes I want your hand down my pants' and mean it - there is an obvious difference between a case of child molestation where the child is a willing participant, and a case where the sexual act happens against the will of the child (ie rape).

So if consent is just agreeing, then children can consent. Presumably you want to say that consent means something beyond this ('informed consent'). In this case, the burden of proof is on you to explain exactly what knowledge the child is lacking which prevents him from being 'informed' - if he finds it enjoyable to put a penis in his mouth or whatever, then precisely what else does he need to know? (other than that our culture happens to view this act as immoral). I think you need to demonstrate that child molestation is objectively harmful to the child in a way that goes beyond the guilt induced by the social stigma that it has, and I dont think anyone has really done so.

If children cant give 'informed' consent on sexual matters, then I dont understand how they can give 'informed' consent on anything. So again, you would have to demonstrate why sexual activity deserves to be treated differently from anything else, which would presumably involve (again) showing that it is objectively harmful."
Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
"Here's your scenario.

I'm 19 years old and graduated from high school in 2006.

I'm heading down a great academic path, on my way to college.

Still living with my parents, but I plan on moving out when I'm socially and financially independent.

I sound pretty normal right?

There's only one problem here.

I've got Asperger Syndrome. I'll make an Ask Me thread about it later.

One of the problems I've got to deal with with this disorder is the fact that I'm an involuntary social hermit crab.

I tend to be brutally honest, stubborn as a mule, rigid in my thinking, horribly impatient and a total bitch in general.

Trust me, I do try to talk to people, but most of what I say comes out wrong and people get their panties in a bunch over something I didn't mean any offense about. Either people are too fucking sensitive nowadays, or I'm being a bitch and I don't even know it.

I'm going insane from not being able to talk to people where they can understand what I'm saying.

My question to you, A+T goons:

How the hell can I socially interact without pissing people off, looking like a jackass, etc. ?"

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
"If you told a woman she had small tits in the presence of a cop and she slapped you, do you think the cop would immediately arrest her for hitting you?

If a woman told a man he had a small dick and he smacked her, he would most certainly get arrested on the spot regardless if she wanted to press charges or not.

Both parties in this case should have been punished, or neither punished, since they were both endangering others on the road.


Weigh in your benefits. What are you getting out of this marriage? She'll be a loyal wife? She should be loyal to you now. She cleans for you? Doesn't she do that now? Sex? She lives with you? Every argument you can make for marriage, you are currently getting while not being married to her. She isn't magically going to start doing more things you enjoy just because you give her marriage."

That guy - 2014-03-14
So it's like the briar patch for people like me?

BiggerJ - 2014-03-14
Sexy Duck Cop, this twitter is for you: https://twitter.com/Goons_TXT

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-15
"because American Rape (tm) is women feeling guilty after drunk fucking a loser they can't brag about on Facebook, not taking 20 guys at once"

"While nude and on the toilet, I just shat, pissed, browsed the internet, listened to voicemail, and drank wine all at the same time."

"In Jamaica everyone smokes weed even though it isn't legal and nobody cares, and there's practically no crime or violence."

BiggerJ, you are the BiggestJ.

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
If we still had forums I would never get bored of a Goons quote thread.

I'd suggest using 54evil as a home for one but I don't know if that's really what the other 5 or so people on there would want.

Old_Zircon - 2014-03-15
I lost my twitter password years ago (and the email address I used to open the account has been gone for years, too) but I'm actually thinking of starting a new one just to subscribe to goons_txt

Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
"I, too, have an extraordinarily simple concept for YOU, yes YOU sir! If you read his post carefully, and bear with me for a second I know there aren't any combos in this sentence for you to mindlessly mash for your cutscene reward but do try, and you may find he doesn't care ! Shocking, I know! Further rumination on yourself will also reveal you have shitty taste in games and oh my god JRPGs what the hell?

Also D20 is a ruleset and Cyberpunk is a theme you ignorant twat."
Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-03-14
"As for my personal life, I still don't have one, although I just barely got back from a good 4 days down in Panama City with my dad when we were visiting my grandparents. I needed a semi-real vacation, so this was nice for a change. Although it was supposed to rain most of the time we were down there, it only rained one of the first nights we were there, and it was in the 70's and holy jesus was it nice to take the little tC down by the beach on my own for once after driving down there once with my dad (I can ususally remember directions after driving somewhere just once, as was the case here). Even though most of the shops and clubs and whatnot were closed because it's out of season, it was nice to go down there and not worry about the beach and the strip clogged with a bunch of wasted school retards so I could enjoy it at my own pace. I mean sure, it would've been nice to see girls flashing from vehicles or just walking down the strip, but for once, I just needed the solitude of it all."
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