le sigh.. it's the latter..

http://hackthemenu.com/mcdonalds/secret-menu/grilled-cheese/

I love that blog. The best part is how most of their "secret menu items" aren't actually secret; they're just dumb. Get a half order of onion rings, and a half order of fries? WHOAH DOOD, SECRET: UNLOCK! YOU JUST HACKED THE MENU, TO THE EXTREME!!!

I worked fast food back in highschool, and the cooks came up with all kinds of crazy awesome offmenu Frakenfoods while kicking around in the back; Luther Burgers, House Dressing Dogs, Patty Melts with five different kinds of meat on them. I was hoping these 1337 hackers would be offering tips on how to get stuff like that; instead, it's mostly just making a small tweak, like order guacamole instead of cheese, then being a pompous dick about it.

What I used to do was make a quarter pounder and then put lettuce on it, one time the manager caught me doing it and was totally freaked out about it. Like weird kind of freaked, so I told him it was cool I had used a patty that fell on the floor so it wasn't like it was a virgin or anything.

You can carve a serviceable hashpipe out of a raw Roy Rogers baked potato. I'm just saying.

McChicken Southern Style: Order a McChicken, but make it Southern Style using a McChicken patty instead of a fancy Chicken patty. Save damn near 3 bucks!

Fancy MacChicken: order a McChicken, but instead of Mayo use Mac Sauce, and instead of shredded lettuce, use leaf lettuce. Seriously, this is amazing!

I AM A MENU HACKER!!!!!

It's kind of like going to a Chinese place and asking for the Chinese menu. As long as you have a vague idea of what you're getting, it's much different (and usually tastier) than your standard Kung Pao/General Tso options on the English one.

You take that back. General Tso's is awesome.

One of my favorite restaurants has the chinese and the american printed together. If you like intestines, the chinese menu is tastier.

My favorite Chinese place has been serving my family for 80 years. They know as much about us as we do about them. The food is exactly the same 1920s era chow mein as it's ever been. It's a dark, poorly lit hole in the wall, but by God, it's the best damn Americanized Chinese there is, anywhere. Is it real Chinese food? No.

I love me some American Chinese food (although depending on the place, I've had meat in my ma po tofu after asking for no meat.. Whatevers I'm not one of those vegans).. Still looking for a really good one in Portland.. Lucky Strike is good I guess.. There used to be this place out towards Gladstone called Imperial Garden.. I think it's still there but I'm never in the vicinity. That's my personal favorite.

Fortunately, the patron saint of disaffected fast food wage slaves has provided the perfect response to 'secret menu' requests:

WE SERVE FOOD HERE, SIR.

I love the McGangbang, but I never trouble them with the order. I just order the components and put it together myself.

The McGangbang does sound good. I take it you've heard of this secret menu stuff, yes? Is it common knowledge? Something they do in the South, maybe?

Cena's gentlemanly approach yields some insight into the whole conundrum of off-menu ordering. Viz: in order to sell you food, the clerk has to ring it up on his register. These things typically have a giant matrix of keys where each key represents a menu item. So. If your special item is composed of two or more standard menu items bashed together, they can do their job and you're golden. If not, expect pushback because they can't ring it up properly.

Life Hack: convincing yourself your Gap-khakis generic life is somehow special by being different for the sake of different.