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Desc:Jay, Mike and Rich watch the first three Transformers movies... all at once.
Category:Crime, Accidents & Explosions
Tags:Transformers, Michael Bay, shia the beef, half in the bag, Megan LaFox
Submitted:Sanest Man Alive
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Comment count is 24
Azmo23 - 2014-06-25
michael bay is directing by numbers? why i never
ShiftlessRastus - 2014-06-26
All great artists do this:

http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=814 47

Caminante Nocturno - 2014-06-25
"The first one still thinks it's a real movie."
ez - 2014-06-26
I like the Half in the Bag revews, but the the guy that screeches over and over as his version of a "laugh" makes me fucking nuts.

Scattersane - 2014-06-26
I almost feel like getting your movies to sync up like that is a feat in of itself.
Bobonne - 2014-06-26
It's the kind of thing that, if it were done by a great director, would be an incredibly impressive feat.

...done by the hand of Bay...well. Other implications arise in our minds immediately.

Harveyjames - 2014-06-26
Actually, it's really easily done.

chumbucket - 2014-06-26
"If I don't show up in the first 9 minutes of the final cut then I'm done, I'M DONE!!" - Shia LeBoeuf
Sanest Man Alive - 2014-06-26
I hate trying to spell LaBeoeuoaeiouf's stupid name right; remembering it isn't worth the effort. As such, it's nice that he's been outed as a plagiarist and a gaping asshole because now I'll never have to write it again.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2014-06-26
He also became a "performance artist", which involved him remaining silent with a bag over his head as people came and mocked him, which is either a sign he is a complete attention whore, mentally ill, or all of the above.

I'm never watching these movies but I find it equally fucking hilarious Optimus Prime, the moral protagonist, shows no mercy and just murders some robot by shooting it in the face as it begs for its life.

il fiore bel - 2014-06-26
Sanest, just call him "the beef." That's what it apparently means in French. Shia the beef. Just like a little fart, yes?

Adham Nu'man - 2014-06-26
Transformers 2 is probably the worst film I have ever seen. Haven't seen the other two films.
oddeye - 2014-06-26
They are absolute retarded shit in which the Transformers often go long stretches without showing up or even being referenced very much. Plus the "realistic" look of the Transformers themselves become annoying and outright confusing to look at.

dairyqueenlatifah - 2014-06-26
The first one is an alright popcorn flick. The third one is watchable. The second one is an awful, awful film, easily the worst high budget movie I've ever seen, that makes Cell Saga DBZ episodes look like high art in comparison.

I'm looking forward to seeing the fourth one tomorrow night.

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2014-06-26
The best things written about these movies are two FAQs from a site called Topless Robot.

Transformers 2 FAQ(s):
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/bonus_robs_transformers_2_ faqs.php

Transformers 3 FAQ:
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/06/topless_robots_transformer s_3_faq.php

Hooker - 2014-06-26
I am constantly, unfailingly baffled by people who make some sort of distinction between any of the Transformers movies. Every time, someone says that the first was an "okay popcorn movie" but the second was just the worst.


To me, the three movies just form an end-to-end human centipede chain of CGI nausea. How can anyone draw a distinction between the two chrome-plated robots having a visually-incomprehensible fist fight scenes of Transformers and the two chrome-plated robots having a visually-incomprehensible fist fight scenes of Transformers 2?

CornOnTheCabre - 2014-06-26
There are levels of Hell. Kind of like how I get upset when people call Star Trek Into Darkness mediocre. It wasn't mediocre -- it was a failure of film and storytelling on pretty much every recordable level (outside of $$$), propped up by the barely explained presence of Robocop and Better Spock and constant plot twists that didn't make any fucking sense.

The first Transformers was braindead, but at least tethered its stupidness with a plot progression that you could easily follow. Like, the decepticons want The Allspark and the autobots want to stop them from getting it. There's some stupid shit and a lot of extraneous characters that show up along the way, but there's at least a unifying goal that's pretty clear throughout the movie.

In the case of Transformers 2, pretty much every conflict comes out of nowhere and is usually dependent on Shia LeBeouf being needed for something vague and not being around any Autobots for some (usually no) reason. It's about finding more allsparks, then its about how Shia LeBeouf has brain secrets, then it's about bringing Optimus back from the dead, then its about finding the Matrix of Leadership, then Optimus kinda just comes back, then it's about beating The Fallen and stopping a sun machine from destroying the planet and... ugh.

Transformers 1 sucked, but at least you can make the argument that it's still a movie with a base level of attention to continuity and stakes. Transformers 2 is basically just a fever dream of loosely connected "visually-incomprehensible fist fight scenes" that refuse to adopt any sense of internal logic whatsoever. It's not a movie, it's a special FX reel, and a terribly boring one.

Azmo23 - 2014-06-26
y'all ever notice how transformers 1 be like gatherers and transformers 2 be like hunters
tform1 always huntin through the cable channels with the remote clickin and clackin away
but but but tform2 be like find a show and leave it there
and y'all KNOW that tform1 never puts the seat down when it goes piss lordy lordy tufiakwa

dairyqueenlatifah - 2014-06-26
Different strokes, Hooker.

I've always felt the same way about the Star Trek/Star Wars/Indiana Jones films, yet everyone has strong opinions about how those movies rank. I still can't understand why so many self proclaimed IJ fans hate KotCS so much.

il fiore bel - 2014-06-26
Transformers 1 I wasn't too terribly judgmental about, it was new and I felt like watching shit blow up.

But later on I accidentally tuned into the second to see a little weird horny robot trying to hump Megan Fox's leg, and I knew whatever hope I had for the series was gone. I changed that channel pretty quickly.

Adham Nu'man - 2014-06-26
Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls is almost as bad as Transformers 2,

Simillion - 2014-06-26
StanleyPain - 2014-06-26
Holy shit, the new one is nearly 3 hours long. I can't even imagine.
RockBolt - 2014-06-26
"Junkyard explosion" is apt
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