|Sexy Duck Cop - 2014-11-11 |
About a year ago, I reconnected with my childhood sweetheart when I offhandedly commented on her Facebook that, in the ABC Family drama Cyberbu//y, teenage cyberbu//ying victim Taylor Whiteridge reacted to someone making fun of her on the Internet with the sort of panic one would expect from being trapped in a room rapidly filling up with snakes. She said she laughed so hard she called in her fiancee, a Manhattan-based comedian making six figures off fucking Twitter, to read my comments and laugh. They did, heartily, and we became friends again. Over the following months, we watched the end of Breaking Bad and Dexter together, finding both equally hilarious, and spent hours into the night talking about thing that made us laugh. She became a princess. Literally. She dumped her old fiancee and got legally married to some monarch overseas that wanted a green card. Then some truly terrible things happened to me in my personal life that made me seriously contemplate suicide. One night, I had convinced myself that the difference between a coward and a man was acting and talking. I was resolved to kill myself. I learned the appropriate method of creating a noose that would withstand the weight of a human body in a shitty apartment's doorframe. I called her up and told her it was time. I was going to follow through with my threats, but part of me knew this was irrational and stupid and what the fuck is wrong with me, I need to seek professional help, please Jesus I just need someone to talk to right now, that's all, I'm so scared and I just need a sane voice to smack me across the face and call me an idiot because people still love me and care about me and would be devastated if I didn't wake up tomorrow. She said "Well, I'd love to talk you down, but there's this dude coming over and I kinda want to suck his cock, so no." And I went for it. I actually tried to murder myself and failed. The next morning I woke up, took my bus ride to school, considered how bizarre and surreal the whole situation was, and resolved to get real help.
tl;dr edition: five for evil.