|The Mothership |
all my stars are for the PRETTY COLORS.
I always wanted to be like my Grandma Lorraine. She worked in the cafeteria, and was a great chef.
You see I told my Grandma Lorraine about how I wanted to be the prettiest, thinnest, blondest girl in the school. And she promised "You will baby, you will. When you go to the dance, everyone is going to look at you and think that there is the prettiest princess." And Grandma made that happen.
You see whenever Grandma Lorraine made her school cafeteria food, she added a little bit of her love for me, in the form of high fructose corn syrup. Peach syrup, raspberry extract, oil, butter, whatever she could slip in. The lettuce was sweeter than a June sunrise. For the cake mix she went store bought, but she made her own frosting with lard and food coloring.
Each day I went to the bathroom and threw up what little I ate, just like Grandma told me to. And before too long, I was the prettiest, thinnest girl in the school, while that bitch Melanie was ballooning up. She went to fat camp every summer, but Grandma Lorraine still made sure that when I went to prom, no one had a smaller dress size than me.
People would ask Grandma Lorraine what she'd put in her recipes, but she wouldn't tell them. Not even the police when they confronted her with evidence after three diabetic kids died in one year. But I can share it with you now. Because Grandma Lorraine loved me so much she was willing to go to jail for me.
And now you can share that love with your kids.
Rodents of Unusual Size
the special ingredient for me was syrup of ipecac...all those fat dead bitches wish they had it but Grandma Lorraine only shared it with me
|Binro the Heretic |
Would have been better if the spirit of her grandma had come in wreathed in flames screaming, "I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE MY SECRET CAKE RECIPE!"
i voted this through the hopper because the peach juice tip isn't such a bad idea, really. I guess Sandra's whole "thing" is saying it's okay to take shortcuts in the kitchen even if you're a rich bitch like her. Doesn't mean the food isn't soulless though.
It's not like there's anything wrong with using a pre-made box or instant meal, but Sandra Lee is the Mom equivalent of a college kid who adds an extra packet of the seasoning into their cup noodles and brags about having a secret recipe.
It's not even something creative like adding peanut butter or cheese to cup noodles, she mostly just adds more of the main ingredient already there in the form of salt or sugar, then decorates it with all the talent of a second grader who'll be winning a 'participant' ribbon at the class art show.
|Sudan no1 |
Mmmm, iced aluminum!
Wait. She did WHAT?????
|Rodents of Unusual Size |
It looks like a monster made of toothpaste came in and barfed on a cake tin.
Grandma Lorraine was lazy and probably lived in a trailer and smoked Pall Malls.
|pyslexic dharmacist |
5 because I didn't think she'd actually be frosting a fucking pie tin. Grandma Lorraine probably got sadistic glee out of watching kids realize their birthday cake is half the size they thought it was.
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