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Desc:NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE
Category:Crime, Arts
Tags:cleveland, SCATegory, Serial Pooper, Bowel Movement Bandit, Akron
Submitted:Bort
Date:03/16/15
Views:908
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Comment count is 27
Xenocide
He's actually just a really committed Bob's Burgers LARPer.
infinite zest
Dusty Farmer
spikestoyiu
I imagine I'm pretty safe as I don't live in Akron.
Oscar Wildcat
I'm seeing a potential internet craze here.
Oscar Wildcat
Also: that fucking picture! Magnificent.

yogarfield
An internet craze where people flock to Akron and shit on shitty cars. I can get behind that.

Oscar Wildcat
Just don't get behind the Bandit!

Rumour has it that he's addicted to sugarless gummy bears.

yogarfield
Is that sugarless gummy bear actually true? A friend of mine was telling me it's the greatest laxative of all time, but I figured he was just winding me up.

EvilHomer
Depends on what sweeteners are used in the gummy bears, but yes, it's most likely true. Sugarfree foods do a number on my stomache; sorbitol, in particular, tastes foul and makes me shit my brains out.

fluffy
Most sugarfree things are made from indigestible sugar alcohols (sorbitol or xylitol), but the Haribo bears use Lycisol (hydrogenated glucose syrup), which is also indigestible. And of course indigestible things have to go SOMEWHERE.

yogarfield
So you two are telling me that fake sweets are the new fiber, and I should step my game up? Because I'm gonna do it yolo

EvilHomer
Yes and no. Sugar alcohols have a tendency to induce diarrhea - our friend sorbitol, for example, draws water into the lower intestines, triggering bouts of massive watery shits (I do not know much about other sugar alcohols, but I imagine the mechanism is largely the same).

Sugarfree sweeteners are good laxatives, particularly when used responsibly in emergency situations (I have read reports of them being fed to sick dogs in order to induce rapid rectal purging), but they are not a good choice if your goal is to pass healthy stool on a safe, regular basis.

Oscar Wildcat
So Evilhomer, you are saying that the next time my neighbor's chihuahua is barking at me across the fence I should throw a handful of sugar free gummy bears at her? I am liking this idea way too much....all that barking, there must be an emergency, no?

EvilHomer
You'd have to experiment first. I believe veteranians use sugar alcohols in a pure form - they aren't just shoveling sugarfree gummy bears into dogs' mouths, since sugarfree gummy bears contain a lot of non-laxative components, and as Philomena Cunk learned in her recent segment on Medicines, doctors are hesitant to give their patients tasty medicines, like crisps or gummy bears. I don't know precisely how many sugarfree gummy bears it would take to give a chihuahua the shits - probably not too many, since they're small dogs - but I'm sure there are other, faster, and more direct methods of getting said chihuahua to shut up.

EvilHomer
Here's an interesting nutrition advisory from the Yale New Haven Hospital:

http://www.ynhh.org/about-us/sugar_alcohol.aspx

Mannitol seems to be the most effective laxative, so if you could find sugarfree gummy bears with mannitol in them, they might be your best bet.

EvilHomer
Toothpaste is another good source of sugar alcohol, particularly name brand stuff. (it makes me ill, usually a few hours after using it) If you can't find gummy bears, maybe try squirting a tube of Colgate on the chihuahua?

EvilHomer
Looking into it further, apparently mannitol is also used as a diuretic (something which makes you pee):

http://www.peteducation.com/article.cfm?c=26+1303&aid=1434

So enough mannitol gummy bears, and you should have a very distressed pissing, shitting, barfing chihuahua on your hands. PROBABLY a little worse than a barking one.

Also, forgot stars.

EvilHomer
stars.

Old_Zircon
Finally a good use for toothpaste!

Oscar Wildcat
Well let's see... The LA Beast looked to be about 160lbs maybe? A 5 pound dose didn't kill him, that's a ratio of 32. I'd say the dog in question weighs about 5lbs, so that's an equivalent dose of 70 grams of bears or about 32 of the little fuckers. That dose really wasted the Beast, so let's say 1/5th of that or 7 bears. I could squish that many into a single cat turd, such would be an irresistible snacktime treat!

Maggot Brain
Car Fetish?
ashtar.
I'm going to call this move the "Akron Steamer."

dairyqueenlatifah
That kid's yellow car looks like it still has some on it.
gravelstudios
I submitted a news article about this on 54evil.
Old_Zircon
I was wondering where I'd seen it.

Oktay
Come to think of it, I don't like hood ornaments.
Old_Zircon
A few years ago someone I know in Boston had something ike this hapen. Someone rubbed shit all over the mailboxes at his apartment, I forget which.
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