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Desc:Because submitting their Nirvana cover feels too easy.
Category:Stunts, Crime
Tags:, peter pan, Pan, Blitzkrieg Bop, anachronistic song choices
Submitted:BlisteredButtress
Date:10/12/15
Views:1121
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Comment count is 53
dairyqueenlatifah
I saw this movie on Friday. I could not fucking believe this shit.
infinite zest
Well according to Metacritic, it's a movie that finally lives up to its name.


John Holmes Motherfucker
See also:

Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor, and Noel Coward in Tennessee Williams' BOOM!

The album ALICE COOPER GOES TO HELL (1976)

THE AMANDA TODD SQUAD, SHOCKING MORAL HYPOCRISY. by the Amazing Atheist

infinite zest
Also The Replacements -Stink. Which was actually a lie.

Robin Kestrel
Oh my god.
Cena_mark
I'll bet someone thought this was a real clever idea, but it just comes off as lazy.
Xenocide
Hollywood has a real boner for shoving old pop songs into movies where they'd seem wildly out of place.

This is almost as bad as what they pulled in The Book of Life. Takes place in a fantasy land loosely based on 19th century Mexico. Protagonist is an old-school mariachi who, at a pivotal emotional moment in the fillm, breaks into Radiohead's "Creep." Later on there's some Rod Stewart. You can practically picture the balding gen X film executive who shoehorned those into the movie.

EvilHomer
I think it's nice! The composer worked hard on the arrangement, and the singers have clearly spent many years practicing hard and training their voices. I like the muted, Tran-Siberian style of guitarwork (that was a nice touch) and better still, I think they really captured the fascist undertones of Blitzkrieg Bop. As I was listening, I could almost see the child-soldiers of the Nazi/Punk War Machine marching to victory over grownups and squares! If I had one complaint, it is that the song is a little too short, but as the old saying goes: "Brevity is the Soul of Punk."

What is this "Pan" thing, anyways? Is it a new Peter Pan movie? TV show? Broadway musical? I have not heard about it, but I hope the rest is just as good as this.

Binro the Heretic
I blame Baz Luhrmann.

True, Brian Helgeland kicked it off with "A Knight's Tale" but Luhrmann ruined the concept.

EvilHomer
So I read the Wikipedia article, and I found this under the heading, "Critical Reception":

-----------
(Variety Magazine) said that Pan exchanges "puckish mischief and innocence for doses of steampunk design, anachronistic music, a stock "chosen one" narrative and themes of child labor, warfare and unsustainable mineral mining.
-----------

Steampunk AND unsustainable mineral mining?! I don't know about anyone else, but to me, that sounds fucking awesome.

infinite zest
This doesn't really strike me as an anachronism any more than that dumb Blockbuster Video scene in Hamlet though.. an anachronism is like when Julius Cesar checks the clock tower or when a caveman fights dinosaurs, things like that, but from what I know about Peter Pan it's kind of set outside of time and history anyway (at least the Neverland part) so it's an interesting choice.

Cena_mark
See, steampunk sucks and ruins things. Some people think its really awesome, but don't recognize that its not mainstream. Its a small dedicated fandom that keeps the fire in its steam engines burning. You'd have better luck pandering to goths or even furries.

EvilHomer
Correction: *wasn't* mainstream. But suddenly we've got comic books, rock bands, video games, reality TV shows, and now one of the most famous children's franchises, all going 100% Steam-to-da-Punk.

Steampunk is the cyberpunk of the future, Cena. Get in on the trend now, or else you're gonna be just another bandwagon fan, not a hip trendsetter like the rest of us.

Cena_mark
Steam punk rock bands? Uh, I remember one at Dragoncon last year called The Cog is Dead. What potential do steampunk rock bands have outside of cons?

EvilHomer
Read it and weep, square-cog:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_steampunk_works#In_music

Not really sure why they listed Rasputina as a Steampunk band, but fuck yeah anyway, Rasputina alone validates Steampunk.

Also note Tom Waits, Nicki Minaj, Bieber, and FUCKING THERION have all seen the light of the Steam-Powered Gods. Are you going to argue Music with Nicki Minaj and Therion? Didn't think so. Chyeah!

Cena_mark
I love the Tom Waits Blood Money album. I'd don't see how the hell it's steampunk. It was based off of one of his short run plays, maybe that was steampunk, but the only thing steamy about the music itself is when he plays the calliope, and calliopes aren't steampunk unless they have plastic gears glued to the outside.

EvilHomer
Calliopes are totes steampunk. They run on steam, for God's sake!

EvilHomer
Again, you're probably confusing steampunk (which uses cogs and gears in addition to other Victorian tech) with clockpunk (which is all cogs and gears).

yogarfield
so cena and homer and definitely the same person.

sweet.

spikestoyiu
I thought the Nirvana arrangement was actually pretty interesting. I also don't give a shit about Nirvana because I never liked them.

But this is terrible! And I never liked the Ramones either. But this is terrible.
Lurchi
Nobody has ever given a fuck about Peter Pan. I think they were trying to replicate the success of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland mixed with the Pirates movies, but no one can predict the public's taste in god-awful shit.
TeenerTot
"Success" of Alice in Wonderland?

Lurchi
Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Total Lifetime Grosses
Domestic: 4,191,110
Foreign: 1,276,000

#21 All Time Worldwide Box Office

infinite zest
Wow. And they're saying that Pan could lose Warner Brothers nearly half that amount in its first week.

But also Tim Burton's a name that'll draw people in, not just kids who like Alice in Wonderland but adults that have stuck with him since Beetlejuice and such. What's Tim gonna do this time? And that's also why everybody saw Planet of the Apes too.

It's kinda too bad that the director of Pan has directed some pretty great films, like Atonement if you like Ian McEwan (I do) and Pride and Prejudice if you like Jane Austen (I don't). The Soloist was really good too. I hope he doesn't go down in history for directing such a flop, because that'd be sad. Because everything's always the director's fault!

TeenerTot
Wow. I am floored by the Alice numbers. That movie was so bad.

John Holmes Motherfucker
One! Two! Fuck you!

Whoever thought this up ought to be held down by Zombie Johnny Ramone, and raped by Zombie Freddy Mercury.
EvilHomer
Rape is funny, especially as a punishment for social undesirables! Way to perpetuate rape culture, Mr Holmes.

John Holmes Motherfucker
I'm sorry, did I say "raped"? I meant he should have his brain eaten by zombie Freddy Mercury. Thanks for catching that, Homer.

EvilHomer
Great, and now you're perpetuating cannibalism culture. Real smooth, John, real smooth.

TeenerTot
Would you two just get it over with and make out already?

yogarfield
Would you two just get it over with and rape out already?

John Holmes Motherfucker
and then he should have his brain eaten by zombie John Holmes and Zombie Milton Berle. They should eat his brain real good.
StanleyPain
I love this infinite race to the bottom Hollywood is engaged in with this whole "prequels" nonsense, like anyone gives a shit about the origins of Mister Smee or whatever. "You've heard the story of Humpty Dumpty...BUT WHAT CAME FIRST IS THE STORY THAT'S NEVER BEEN TOLD." *insert generic fantasy movie CGI shitsplosion*

I can't remember where I read it but my favorite review of this movie quoted an actual line of dialog from the movie where Peter Pan says to Hook "We will be the best the friends from now on!" and Hook says "What could go wrong?" and the reviewers reaction was "This would be like if Godfather 2 ended with Vito Corleone saying 'Boy, I sure hope I don't become a crime lord!'"
Binro the Heretic
The prequel for "Moby Dick" will be about a sperm whale calf mocked and shunned by his podmates because of his albinism.

In his adolescence, he has enough of the bullying and strikes out on his own. In his journey, he builds an extended family of other misfit sea creatures. Together, they thwart a race of fish-people intent on taking over all the oceans of the world and enslaving all creatures of the sea.

He destroys the geothermal-powered steampunk city of the fish people and frees his pod who had already been enslaved.

The freed sperm whales make him their new leader, deposing the ringleader of the whales who bullied him as a calf. He takes a mate and starts a family.

The movie ends with him returning from a deep-sea hunting trip to find his mate, calf and other podmates dead and being butchered on the deck of whaling ships. In a rage he sinks all the ships and drowns all the whalers, vowing vengeance against all humankind.

That's just the first prequel. The next one shows him gathering a rag-tag group of sperm whales to form the cetacean rebellion.

There's a humpback whale who wants to join them, but is rejected as a "weak, filthy baleen". But then the humpback ends up charging into battle and saving Moby when he seems certain to die and I need to stop this before some producer reads this and starts getting ideas.

StanleyPain
You had me at "geothermal-powered steampunk city of fish people."

Lurchi
haha "weak, filthy baleen"

infinite zest
Heh.. I'd watch that Moby Dick prequel; get on down to Hollywood Binro!!

I don't have a problem with prequels, any more than I have a problem with origin stories in comic books. For example I really liked Days of Future Past, and like everybody else was at least excited for Star Wars Episode 1. And yeah, Godfather Part 2 is better than the original, and as far as Coppola goes I wouldn't be entirely turned off to the idea of an Apocalypse Now prequel either.

But who still really likes Peter Pan? Growing up in the 90s I mainly remember it as one of those things you'd go and see at Childrens' Theatres with your grandma, or sometimes audition for and not get the part.. it's a good story but time marches forward. And any kid today who's stuck watching Peter Pan on Broadway is probably there because he or she wasn't able to get tickets to another prequel, Wicked, which from what I've read this seems to borrow heavily from.

So I dunno: it seems as about good of idea as rebooting Scooby Doo, which they just did (again). I don't have kids but with so many other options do kids want to see the further exploits of the Gang like they did in the 70s? And the same goes for Pan. Spielberg tried and failed with Hook to make it interesting again, and I'm willing to bet this movie wouldn't have bombed so hard if they just made it about steampunk pirates who can fly around and gave them new names instead of beating a dead book back to life..

EvilHomer
Yeah, Binro, write that shit. That is a winning screenplay, particularly the steampunk fishmen.

Cena_mark
Steampunk ruins everything. It even ruins the steamengine. Ricky Steamboat is not steam punk!

Binro the Heretic
National Novel Writing Month is coming up. Should I go for it?

Also, I prefer the term "gaslamp fantasy" to "steampunk." People don't understand you can't just tack the suffix "punk" onto any word and have it mean something.

Cyberpunk was punk because it was about the counter-culture using the mainstream's own technology to subvert it.

Cena_mark
Yes, you should take the novel writing challenge.

Cena_mark
And you're right about the name not being fitting, I think it should be called Geardweeb. Because they really don't care about the steam, just gears, and they're all dweebs.

EvilHomer
Cena - you're probably thinking of Clockpunk. That's like a slightly earlier 'punk, with only gears, no steam.

EvilHomer
(my personal favorite 'punk is Atompunk, but I will take what I can get)

StanleyPain
I prefer Punkpunk, personally.

John Holmes Motherfucker
It's all about young Annakin Ahab, the whale who befriended him, the woman who came between them, and the tragic accident that made them mortal enemies.
sasazuka
It's a pity that PAN seems to be getting terrible reviews and reactions, Joe Wright's HANNA is one of my top films of the decade, but that was an entirely different kind of film (action thriller with weird fairy tale imagery).
TeenerTot
The best thing to come out of Peter Pan is Batman pooping snakes.
John Holmes Motherfucker
I'd like to Tim Burton direct the definitive Steve Jobs biopic, with Johnny Depp in the lead, and finally, all the nightmarish imagery the story calls for.

He'd have to hustle , though, if he wants to release before David Lynch's JOBS:: GHOST IN THE MACHINE, starring Crispin Glover.
dairyqueenlatifah
For a little bit of perspective, this film is set during World War II. When Peter Pan and the other kids in the orphanage who get whisked away to Neverland in the middle of the night arrive and are greeted by Blackbeard (the villain running the kidnapping operation in Neverland prior to Hook), all the people who are already there are singing Smells Like Teen Spirit. Then all the kids who just got there are ordered to sing, and they do. The British kids during WWII know all the words to Smells Like Teen Spirit for some reason.

Then later, when Peter and two other kids are about to be thrown off a flying ship to their deaths by Blackbeard for being disorderly slaves, everyone is singing Blitzkrieg Bop.

Everything about this movie is a fucking train wreck of wacky/senseless production choices. The movie opens with the flying pirate ship doing battle with WWII British fighter planes. The Native Americans are multi-ethnic, with Princess Tiger Lily being played by Rooney Mara, the palest white woman in Hollywood, in fact they did her makeup to make her even paler. Pixie Dust is a mineral rock that grants immortality which all the kidnapped kids are forced to mine for the villain so he can keep living forever. The multi-ethnic natives have head dresses made out of pipe cleaners and fuzzy balls and other shit that you'd find on sale at Hobby Lobby, and for some reason when they're shot and killed they explode into colored smoke (the kind that come out of those smoke balls you buy on the 4th of July). Tiger Lily is a badass fighter, and really the hero of the movie, meanwhile the movie ends with Peter Pan doing a flying kamehameha blast that's composed of Tinker Bell and all her fairy brethren that beats the villain to death.

This is what the film's curators received for the low low production budget price of 0 million.

Oh well. If it's any consolation, at least after how hard this movie is failing at the box office right now the chances of anyone ever giving Joe Wright anywhere near 0 million to play around with again are null.
Cena_mark
Ha ha, they should have known they were fucking up when they turned pixie dust into midichlorians.

sasazuka
High-budgets sometimes work against even talented directors. HANNA looks fantastic and its production budget was only around million.

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