Yeah one time this girl I was sort of used to seeing stopped texting me, so I ran into her and she told me that I pissed her bed, which is impossible since I woke up with a condom on. So she either pissed the bed or I made her squirt. Who's to say?

like the playboy advisor told me when i was eight, "if you do it right, *everybody* has to sleep on the wet spot"

Speaking of Playboy, they're doing away with the nude photos completely after this month's issue. So when people said they read it but only for the articles, well, I hope they were telling the truth because that's all they're gonna get now.

i'm actually really happy about their decision to do away with softcore- they haven't really been erotically relevant to the average jacker since the 70's, and the articles were always some of the best writing in america- like Esquire with teeth. I'm speaking specifically about the interviews- The Playboy Interview has been a byword for a quality, in-depth, no-punches-pulled conversation for decades. To wit: the jimmy carter interview in 1976.

this is of course due to the usual issues of declining market share in an internet/hardcore world (and even my favorite analog rags have been extremely hard to find the past five years) but i like to see it as playboy's "mission accomplished" gesture.

... and teeth, maybe.

But do those scientist folks ever get laid?

Fucking pornstars, how do they squirt?
And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
Y'all motherfuckers lying, and making them piss

^ *****

Veruca James is the only one I knew.