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Desc:Red Letter Media speculates what will happen in Episode VII.
Category:Arts, Humor
Tags:Star Wars, RedLetterMedia, episode vii, Rich Evans, Mike Stoklasa
Submitted:Quad9Damage
Date:12/10/15
Views:879
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Comment count is 25
infinite zest
You'd think with a cast and crew that big, that somebody would've gotten drunk or something and spilled the beans to someone by now, simply because it's been over a FUCKING YEAR since all these theories started invading the internet. Hell, they were filming what I assume is a pretty pivotal scene in Grimm's storyline across the street from my house a month or so ago; all the sign says is that you shouldn't say anything and try to stay out of the shots, and I've told everybody what that scene is. It's not exactly HIPPA here..
Kabbage
Be warned! This is kinda spoilery. They go over a lot of stuff in toys and posters and associated content that reveals a bunch that movie hasn't. Came away feeling like they're probably exactly right, and that I just had the whole plot explained to me.
Kabbage
*the trailers haven't

infinite zest
Yeah, it's weird how close it is to my theories (you'll just have to take my word for it because I haven't posted them all on here yet) but I think R&M (and me and a lot of other people) are overthinking it, since all these reveals and plot twists would come out completely garbled in VII's runtime of only 2 hours and 16 minutes.

oddeye
Rearrange Kylo Ren and you get Luke Skyw. It'obvious that Luke is Kylo Ren.

infinite zest
I got Rilo Kiley :(

EvilHomer
Yeah, I'm not getting "Luke Skyw", either. "Kylo Ren" has no U, no S, and no W. :(

EvilHomer
Also, only one K, and you'd need two Ks to make Luke Skyw.

EvilHomer
My personal theory is the one Rich and Mike get to right at the end - the movie will be fast and fun, while the plot, straightforward, with no heaviness or surprises. JJ Abrams is directing it, so it's reasonable to assume that it will be a JJ Abrams film.

yogarfield
luke kills dumbledore

StanleyPain
My personal theory, for what it is worth, is that no one in the movie is the child of Leia or Luke or any of that stuff. I say this because of the weird, bristly reaction that Lucas has had to the new film and how when he talks about it, he bitches about how they scrapped his ideas and his offhand comments about how "JJ Abrams can't tell me about Han and Leia's grandchildren" and so on.

Word behind the scenes is that he wnated the new films to be like Godfather II or something and follow the same family but a different generation and Abrams and Kennedy were basically like "No, you have to change it up to keep the films working." His recent, snarky bitchy comments a few days ago when he said the movie was "just what the fans wanted" seems to confirm even more that this film will not represent even an inkling of what Lucas wanted.

Finn will probably die (giving Rey a reason to become a Jedi who is trained by either Luke or the new character we don't see and adding tension to her future role as a Jedi who might turn Dark out of revenge, or struggle and stay Light becoming a Jedi for good reasons). The new Death Star will be planet sized (probably the Starkiller). There's a good chance Kylo Ren will die too, opening up for a future villain. From some of the comments made by the actors, I am guessing this time around the Dark side guys (the Knights of Ren) are seen as sort of an ugly necessity; clumsy assassins sort of, as opposed to the revered positions they had in the old Empire.
infinite zest
Yeah, maybe it was the same interview I read but Abrams said something that was like "that's even more absurd than the 'Jar Jar is a Sith Lord' rumors" or something to that effect. I actually felt bad for Lucas. It's like inheriting your father's restaurant and turning it into a night club, even though he said "don't turn my restaurant into a night club."

Hooker
My personal theory is that, having defeated the Galactic Empire and celebrated with some Yub Nub, Luke travels back to the Rebel's capital ship in his X-Wing, landing dramatically in the largest loading bay to reveal a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner, to much fanfare.

However, toppling the bases of power and the senior leadership of the dictatorship that ran an entire galaxy left a power vacuum, which has caused powerful members throughout to attempt to seize power. Realizing the only thing that can keep things under control is to set up a provisional government, he begins recruiting and training force sensitive complete with byzantine rules of engagement which only further fan the flames of galactic civil war and usher in an era of genocide and religious hysteria.

Eventually, his own students turn against him to usurp the Jedi Council and begin dividing the galaxy into small fiefdoms. The guy with the dumb longsword lightsabre is actually revealed to be Darth Goneril, the very attractive girl that's on your Subway cups. Luke travels across the inhospitable deserts aimlessly with Jar-Jar by his side, simultaneously mocking him and desperately trying to save him from his descent into madness, but it's too late. Luke finally realizes that there is no guiding diety behind the force after all. He, and everyone else, is alone in the Universe.

StanleyPain
I've lost any shred of respect I ever had for Lucas. Clearly the filmmaker behind THX and American Grafitti is dead, buried, turned to dust, and blown away. For awhile, I held out hope that the prequels were just Lucas getting this shit out of his system, making tons of money, and then going all American Zoetrope style and making his own cool movies (which he said he was going to do), but the guy is so out of touch it's not even funny.
First there was the Red Wings debacle where he claimed he somehow faced of decades of problems trying to get the movie made despite 2 or 3 Tuskegee Airmen movies having been made in the interim. Then he kept fucking with the SW films to the point where he HAS to just be doing it to screw with people, then he complained that criticism of his movies was just because of who he was and no one would ever give his movies a fair shake. Now this backhanded bullshit of selling off everything Lucasfilm to Disney because he wants to be done with it, but then complaining about how he did it and how the stupid fans think they know better than him.
He's really turned into a kind of Citizen Kane character.

oddeye
Red... Wings?!? Seriously, it's named after a bitche's period stained pussy lips?

Probably kept getting his movie blocked cause of it's goofy ass name.

Quad9Damage
I keep holding onto this hope that Disney will be nice and release the original versions in a simple, affordable package, maybe cleaned up a bit but otherwise left alone. That way the fans don't have to spend time and more money hunting down the VHS tapes, laserdiscs, or bootleg DVDs. We sure as shit wouldn't have gotten that with George Lucas. The unaltered OT was "unfinished" so no one deserved them, and when he finally responded to that call he dumped poor rips of the LDs onto limited edition bonus DVDs. Supposedly the original negatives have been destroyed.

Now we have this epic spiteful rant about tarnished art and his vision being ruined because God forbid people who pay + for a theater experience (to go by themselves) not have to walk out feeling disappointed and cheated. "It's for the fans." Good. That makes me happy. It should be for the fans. All arguments about "It was his art!" aside (which Empire and Jedi really weren't, not ethically anyway, since they were directed and written by people other than Lucas) he has spent the last 18 years not giving a shit about the fans. Somewhere the audience principle lost him.

Hooker
Fans have gone to much greater lengths than hunting down Laserdisc and VHS. Google "Star Wars Despecialized" or watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHfLX_TMduY

The Mothership
Goddamn, the casting totally gives it away, they're right.
yogarfield
ahem.


I'M JUST SO TIRED OF ALL OF THESE STAR WARS.
Sexy Duck Cop
QUIT STOWING AWAY

yogarfield
What else am I supposed to do? I'm a stowaway.

Sexy Duck Cop
Look, I can tolerate a lot of things including the following:

--Eating my yogurt from the fridge if it's late at night and you're hungry
--Crossing the street even when it's CLEARLY LABELED "Don't Walk" (still annoys me)
--Hijacking an airplane and crashing it into the World Trade Center

But what I cannot tolerate is stowing yourself away like a common stowaway

Aress
I predict that if the new Star Wars are decent, or good, that RLM will legit kill off the Plinkett character. That way they will finally end the requests for new Plinkett reviews and escape the redundant gags on Half in the Bag.
Sexy Duck Cop
I think they have a lot of fun finding ways to dismissively ignore Plonkett on Half in the Bag, but if they were going to kill him off, now would be the time.

The Mothership
Marvel Films Model.
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