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Desc:'They liked my video, showcasing, my, uhh, sexual prowess...'
Category:Pets & Animals, Fashion
Tags:cwc, Chris-Chan, angry techno music, videos showcasing sexual prowess, mysterious backstory
Submitted:Sexy Duck Cop
Date:05/28/16
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EvilHomer
"Hello ladies and gentlemen on the internet and my Sonichu and Rosechu fanbase, this is Christine Chandler coming to you live from the room once again, and I'm about to tell ya a story that is direct and true... 'bout what happened recently. And it'll be demonstrated through... the minifigures.

So, that's to tell you the truth. So, my associate has introduced me to a lesbian couple whose looking to have their own little daughters... their little daughters, mkay? And they... mnam(?) was delighted to be made to be designated as a parent. But unfortunatly throughout the few weeks, the initial few weeks there were miscommunications and we ca- an- and it was kinda spotty catchin' up with one another and one of them wanted to be artificially but the other one wanted natural. But, tonight, uh, earlier tonight, they mutually settled on both being natural, so we were plannin' on settin' up... because, uh, earlier in that day, was there- I think mighta second candidate though, so that left me feeling sad. But he didn't show up, and they liked the video that I sent them demonstrating my sexual prowess. I be(?) quite... the acrobat.

But she- that made me feel delighted.

So yeah, we were on the online chatroom, we were settin' up. We were talkin' about our meetin', and then comes along, dur- bit- dur- new guy(?). He were be- were quite intrusive it was very rude.

*Gorilla having a stroke*

Yeah I'm Christine Chandler... Charmed I'm sure... charmed.

*More gorilla noises* yer tha big gu- yer da bee guy, er da tryna ee *gorilla noises* it sallts blah blah blah blah blah blah bla bla bluh *ape audio*

Yeah an I can tell from my way aside from... the obvious that what he's said among which, yeah... you're a bad guy, you bullied me.

Anyway so anyway we were... so he was attacking me and trying to prove himself mighty and courageous like Captain Copernicus Quark (a Ratchet and Clank character) or somebody dumb like that. huurhrh herr lookat me I'm too bury- *insane sounds*

Aaanyway it was just a whole bunch like that but, they were gettin' tired of it and I was gettin tired a hearin' abou- hearin' it. and then he realized, oh wait, you're... da Christian Chandler?

The original creator of Sonichu and Rosechu, that's me.

Er, well I got dirt on you *a bunch of stuttering* you haven't leaned about this bad thing ya did.

Oh, what? *pauses to pose minifig* you mean that time I sat bare-ass on a cake?... sat bare ass on a cake? What do ya think about that?

err? That threw me off I was not expecting that *masculine mumbling*

Oh, and how about the time I... took pieces of my- pieces of my medallion and shoved up my behind. I am human enough to admit and take the blame for the mistakes I made.

*Filthy male muttering*

and he was bringing up the image, the picture... of the n- notorious M.E.G. and me and my (finger ends?) up there... and I was like oh yeah that vi- that vintage old thing. Vintage, so old. I've drawn more since then. And my e- other exes, I mentioned two of them by name. And he was like:

What? *inane sounds*

And on just a note, we are talking jibberish with this guy 'cause we don't remember exactly everything that was said... but anyway, aside from that to try to prove himself to be the... more better male he attacked me verbally, with an onslaughts of insults and whatnot, like fireballs. And I defended my- and... I held my ground. *pauses to fiddle with his fucking toys* I hold my ground, I, took two(?) attacks. *pew pew* one attack at a time. *pew pew* I defended myself with the shield. *pew pew pew... pew... pew pew* And not stooping down to his level how he was phrasing his attacks... I offered my own, style and elegant... repertoire of, offence. *pew pew pew* Hit him a bit hard too. Agai- some of them did not hit as hard. What? not every attack is perfect. so, anyway then he was like

Well then I issue a challenge... you say yo- you say, from your video, you're like an acrobat, but I can do so much better sexually so, we each upload a video... And the person- and, the person that gets more votes from the community on the internet wins

And I was like, what? you're not gonna let the girl- you're not gonna... let our ladyfriends have the say in the matter

Yeah, well, you know what? *complete vocal diarrhea*

*sigh* nd a- anyway in the meanwhile they were tired of listening to all this and I was tired of listening to all this

*sounds of what we can only assume is Chris's inner monologue*

*coughs and clears his throat* So anyway, point is, uhmm *sigh* even though tis challenge seemed quite pointless and unnecessary and time consuming I... teh... I, well let's do it, I accept your challenge.

Finally, I'm gonna upload my video and I'm gonna (something) you. *language of a subhuman male*

And fortunately I had already do- uh- made a video for la- for the lesbian couple, which pr- which demonstrated quite well my, acrobatic, sexual prowess, thats goes yet to be unappreciated especially since I was self-taught.... but anyway then so... tokamai(?), so anyway, so we all left the chatroom and, yadda yadda yadda. I talked to my associate and a little birdie told em, a little birdie came in and, told me about ooohO dark past about Mr. Johan. That's his name, Johanson, but as like to call 'em Johan. Hey everybody! look. it's Johan from the Smurfs. Hey! where's Peewee Johan? Go ahead and make all the Smurf jokes you want! He laid so many s- he said he was a Smurftastic lay, or, satisfy Thirty Women! He laid so many Smurfs, I wonder how many of them little smurfs he laid actually like this guy... and now everybody else! along with me or in your own words! make up your own Smurftastic jokes about Johan! Even the more obvious one that ya'll be making up in a moment when I tell you when ya hear that this little birdie told me *cheep cheep cheep* little birdie tell me the dirt! okay, Here's the dirt.

This guy, was, an ex, GAY PORNSTAR! Yep! laid with another male *blubbery sex noises* (some stupid line I can't understand)

And, guess what? *confused ogre noise* aaanother big thing that's gonna take this g- is gonna take this... big- is gonna take this guy down a notch, guess what? he got FIRED from one of his... things. he got fired from one of his movies and you know why he got fired? Why? He failed the STD test!... and apparently n order to be fired from any porn act that STD had to be something lethal.

Possibly leathal as say something like AAAAIIIIDDDSSS!?!

And yet, among the disquestion(?) that was talked about earlier. He said that he had no STDs, but the way he acted and behaved and all that... apparently he told fifey lies! filthy lies! he lied!

So, with that, we'll leave it at that. Everybody in the audience, yes, high functioning autistic. But you know what? Even a normal person, normal father, normal mother, whichever, can give birth to an autisti- an autistic child. And it's just about as much risk as me because I'm high functioning autistic, high functioning. so therefore, hi- there's a higher- probability of a child being normal, so there.

So if your votes on... rather or not who has the better sexual style and activity, ability. Johan, by the way, did you do one of my- PEEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... heh, merptiow(?), merptiowek(?), mh, anyway, this guy, or, me! And they have praised me as acrobatic! Truthfully so, thank you very much it was the ho- it made my night. Hear that. There will be a voting page coming up soon! And my video on this channel and his video on his channel. There will be links in the voting page.

So, that'll pretty much do it for now. Details coming soon. Thank you. Goodnight. *bullshit cartoon noises*
Oscar Wildcat
So is he gonna reproduce? Will there be baby ChrisChans? The mind, it reels. The vertiginous horror...

EvilHomer
Not sure if she will reproduce, but it DOES sound like more embarrassing sex tapes will be surfacing in the near future.

On a related note, the audio on this would make an awesome mp3 for a campus coffee shop and/or hipster DJ gig playlist.

EvilHomer
The really important info:

"Well then I issue a challenge... you (Johan) say, from your video, you're like an acrobat, but I can do so much better sexually, so we each upload a video, and the person that gets more votes from the community on the internet wins. (...) And fortunately I had already made a video for the lesbian couple, which demonstrated quite well my, acrobatic, sexual prowess, thats goes yet to be unappreciated especially since I was self-taught (...) So if your votes on, rather or not who has the better sexual style and activity, ability. There will be a voting page coming up soon! And my video on this channel and his video on his channel. There will be links in the voting page."



Translation: "Johan" challenged Chris to a public, online, sex-tape battle. UNFORTUNATELY FOR JOHAN, Chris has already made such a tape, and is about to upload it, presumably to Youtube.

Cena_mark
The male sounds just like Christine's Clyde Cash impersonation.

Sexy Duck Cop
Oh my god I missed this part:

"Well then I issue a challenge... you say yo- you say, from your video, you're like an acrobat, but I can do so much better sexually so, we each upload a video... And the person- and, the person that gets more votes from the community on the internet wins"

It's like, at first the fascination with CWC was seeing how far he could fall, but now that he's burned his old life to the ground, he's turned into some magnificent elder statesman of the Internet who, rather than rest comfortably on his laurels, playing his old hits from 10 years ago, is constantly innovating, experimenting, and coming up with new ways to be the best Chris-Chan he can be.

Last month he did that whole "job opening" spiel and listed "can get to be sexually harassed by an autistic transsexual at corporate lesbian slumber parties" as a benefit. Last week it was that goddamned white board. Today he challenged a dying gay pornstar to a Cirque du Solei wank-off. He's just so goddamned beautiful.

Sexy Duck Cop
Oscar: I like to imagine the doctor comes into the waiting room, saying "Here you go Mr/s(s?) Chandler! A beautiful baby boy!" and Chris just Stress Sighs before casually spiking his child into a trash can.

Oscar Wildcat
The guy is like the David Bowie of crap artists. Pure gutter genius.

EvilHomer
David Bowie is the David Bowie of crap artists, and ChrisChan isn't crap. ChrisChan makes legitimate art.

Oscar Wildcat
Point of nomenclature: a "crap artist" is a person who collects crackpot ideas and worthless objects, and is entirely unequipped to deal with the real world. Hardly a wealthy and successful artist like Mr. Bowie.

Never forget, EvilHolden., that it is a great art to do what you do well. If you limp, limp well, and if you dance, dance well. Or if you are a crap artist, you must measure up to ChrisChan. Can you pass? Or will you be thrown out of the crap artist bathroom...

EvilHomer
Well, in that case, define "crackpot". Define "worthless".

Chris has an eccentric way of doing things, but the underlying ideas which drive him to embrace his eccentric solutions are, themselves, pretty reasonable. For example, Chris wants to be a transgendered lesbian who has non-transgendered lesbians over to his mom's house to fuck. It's a pretty weird plan when you stop to think about it, but the underlying motive - love, and a desire to connect to people - is perfectly reasonable. In fact, I'd say that his foundational concepts are not only reasonable, but also far more *human* than certain other, let's say "more sophisticated", artists tend to get. Chris' schemes can oftentimes be madder than the maddest Dadaist fever dream, sure, but he is always firmly grounded in reality. It always comes back to love.

As for being worthless, I think everything Chris makes and everything he collects has "worth", simply as a matter of definition. If the objects he makes are worthless, then why would he have tens of thousands of fans following and documenting his every move? And if the objects he collects are worthless, then why do they cost him so much tugboat money to buy? Why does he need donations, if the objects he surrounds himself with are "worthless"?

Oscar Wildcat
Read Phil Dicks' "Confessions of a crap artist" for a pretty good character study of a 50's version of the animal in question.

I suppose you are going into your postmodern mode, which is fine w/ respect to ChrisChan and his relative worth. What is worth something there is exactly how much others value it. For myself, I would not part with a penny for any of ChrisChan's work, so by that definition it is worthless. Or do you believe this work has intrinsic value? Please explain, I'd love to hear you argue that position. Frankly, I believe psychic objects like artwork can have intrinsic value, but I've not wrestled that beast into submission just yet.

EvilHomer
I believe both! Chris' work very clearly has value within the market, and it's also got a great deal of intrinsic value, too (assuming, of course, that intrinsic value is something art can have).

Again, Chris is a woman of deep passions and great vision. One of the hardest tasks an artist can set for herself is to help the audience to see the world through new eyes. This task is independent of technique, and very few craftsmen - even incredibly skilled ones - can accomplish it. For example:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maW0KmHs_sM

Ms Rooney is INCREDIBLY skilled at what she does - but what "she does" is produce photo-realistic drawings of fleetingly-relevant pop culture celebrities. Her work is beautiful and her gift is rare, but her work does not actually reveal anything about the artist herself. It doesn't tell us anything about the human condition, or speak to us about our own lives (beyond merely saying, "Hey? Do you like celebrities? I do, too!")

Compare and contrast to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PISuNFwtxxs

That's some heavy stuff. There's real tragedy in that comic, real passion. Sure, it looks like it was drawn by an eight year-old child and it's riddled with hilarious spelling errors, but my god, this is a man revealing his soul to the world! This is what reality looks like to a lonely autistic virgin; the cruelty society inflicts upon him, the fantasies he uses to cope with his grief, the alien thought-patterns which comes so naturally to him but not-at-all to us, a seething cauldron of hope and joy, rage, pain and sex - I mean, FUCK, how could this even be up for discussion? How could someone NOT recognize the deeper artistic value of Sonichu?!

When we look at Ms Rooney's work, we see a very good picture of an actor. When we look at Chris', we see a life laid bare.

EvilHomer
This is also what sets Chris aside from other "weirdos" internet artists. When you look at other weirdo artists - guys like Gonterman, BenTLooney, Braniac Adam, or Kevin Kinne - their work is usually just an endless march of plagiarism, violent sexual fantasies, and self-indulgent ego-stroking (i.e. they're Salvador Dali). Don't get me wrong, Chris does this too! But with Chris, you also get so much depth, feeling, and insight.

Oscar Wildcat
Both artists are incomplete. Rooney has drafting skill to burn, but suffers from a complete lack of insight or novel idea. Such work has great relative value, like much craft does, and I'm sure she sells these pieces quite easily for much money. But as fine art, well, they stink on ice.

Chischan has backstory and novelty to burn, but suffers from a complete lack of drafting skill and technique. I am inclined to forgive this as you are, but it really diminishes the work as fine art.

I suppose both could work on their weak points, but let's be honest neither will probably be able to overcome their weakness. Ronney will be caught making too much money, and when she attempts to excel in novelty, her patrons will flee in terror. Chrischan is too lazy and self absorbed to ever focus on developing the craft of drawing, so he will continue on as more of a performance piece.

A great example of someone with Chrischan's talents but with a solid craft foundation, R. Crumb springs to mind. Brilliant ideas and terrible insights, combined with excellent craft. Chris could be this if he had the chops, but I'm not holding my breath.

Much like Martin Buber's famous passage about a tree from Ich-du, all the components have to come together to create this thing of intrinsic worth. It's worth noting that natural objects, like the iris or redwood tree, achieve this result.

EvilHomer
>> suffers from a complete lack of drafting skill and technique (...) it really diminishes the work as fine art.

How do you explain this, then?

http://artgallery.yale.edu/collections/objects/44040

As for Crumb, Chris is better! Crumb is sneering hipster who apes at being a social outcast; he's notable for being an early example of the form, but ChrisChan long ago surpassed that particular normie's meager output.

Oscar Wildcat
Oh, I wouldn't dismiss Crumb for your reasons. Do check out the wonderful biopic "Crumb" and see for yourself. Both his brothers are also fine artists in their own rights, although his older brother's cartooning was really quite remarkable and you may find him more to your liking. A "FAMOUS" chris would probably end up being just as unappealing to you as Crumb is.

I like Miro and think he's done some fine art, but let's be honest not _all_ of his work is so terrific. It's hard with famous painters because once declared famous, any bedsheet stain will sell for millions of dollars. Basquiat is another good example, some great canvasses, a lot of so so ones. You really need to consider the whole body of work to judge individual canvasses.

A fine art painter friend of my partner ( who is also this ) just died, and his memorial was packed with academics, collectors and malcontents. It was quite a carnival. But this fellow, he was honest as the day is long, and held the academic stuff in great contempt. One curator related to us how, on telling our friend she had just read a paper about him to an art conference, his response was words to the effect that it was a complete load of bullshit. The audience was shocked, and I started clapping. Others followed. But not to many. I knew he would have appreciated that moment.

EvilHomer
I've seen "Crumb", and in all honesty, when I was twelve, I accepted the film's message at face value. Over the years, though - thanks to my own life, as well as the lives of other crazy people I met - I have come to question the authenticity, or at least the depths, of Crumb's madness. Crumb is a disturbed individual, yes, but he's garden-variety compared to (for example) your average net-dwelling NEET. Crumb is precisely the sort of high-functioning eccentric that yuppies can bring to their dinner parties, and therein lies the secret of his success.

As for Miro, my point is that his lack of technique doesn't actually diminish the "fine art" quality of his work. Not all of his work is good, of course (in fact, I'd argue that almost none of it is), but nevertheless Miro proves that one can do "fine art" despite possessing the drawing skills of a small child.

EvilHomer
BTW, I wasn't going to mention this, but I'm starting to crash again, so - CA's ex might have a terminal illness. Won't know for another month or two. Haven't spoken to CA since last Wednesday (plus one unanswered message) and now I'm stuck between giving her space to grieve and get her head in order, and worrying that she's going to withdraw and isolate from everybody (including me). It's doubly shit because I was sorta hoping ex would put distance between them, but now it's monkey-pawed and I'm feeling incredibly guilty.

God-speed to ChrisChan, man. He's like an older, saltier (sister?) to me. We may be different in many, many ways - opposites, really, for better AND worse - but nevertheless I feel his pain. I swear, if I thought for a minute it would help things, I too would become a lesbian transwoman.

Oscar Wildcat
Crumb has a foot in both worlds, and came of age at a time when he could get famous with this style. But you seem to want your crazy artists to be fully crazy: I can respect that.

If you have not already discovered this, you must check out the Prinzhorn Collection. I don't know of any good online resource, if you find one post it here. But I've seen a big chunk of the collection shown in NYC and I can assure you, it's some of the best art I have ever seen in my life. Hits all the marks I scribed, and then some. Early precursor to the modern art therapy movement. All artists in the collection were committed mental patients.

Oscar Wildcat
Well, you've punched your ticket, that's part of the ride my friend. Hey, if you need a lift, do check out that collection. It's jaw droppingly good stuff.

EvilHomer
Yeah, the worst part is, if it's terminal, ex'll deteriorate over the next nine months. In all likelihood, this is going to be going on well into next year, and getting worse, not better, by the day. On top of that, HumanFluttershy all but declared me her new boyfriend a couple days ago. I told her we were just friends, but I'm not sure she's dissuaded at all, and she IS incredibly cute.

I swear by Magi-chan's two balls, if I could only operate on Chris' level, I'd be fucking set right now. What he needs I've got, but what he has, I lack.

It's funny you mention the NYC thing, though, because I'm planing on taking CA down to the city in the next couple weeks, and I really want to pull out all the stops (short of being romantic, I mean) in hopes of cheering her up a bit. Art therapy and mental patients sounds like the kind of thing that would make me get into loud arguments with the curator, but it'd be right up HER alley, so fuck it. Paris is worth a collection.

... also, do they take unsolicited donations? Because if so, I'd be happy to bring some printouts of "Drinking Straw of Fail" or "She Came For CWC".

Oscar Wildcat
Sadly, this was a touring show: the permanent installation is in Vienna I think? Otherwise, the NYC gallery scene is a total piece of shite. Avoid it like the plague. Not sure what's good anymore there, it became Mallhattan around the time I left. Best bet is to troll the ethnic nabes of Brooklyn, there are still some spots of amazing magic to be found there. Santeria stores, for example. But much has passed, and been replaced by the same nonsense you find everywhere else in America.

EvilHomer
Know of any good, cheap places in Chinatown? To eat, buy, or possibly sleep?

Oscar Wildcat
Manhattan Chinatown is a nice place to troll just for kicks ( although I much preferred the Brooklyn chinatown back in the 90s' ) but really I don't much like Chinese food so good or bad it's lost on me ( I've had people in the know take me to great ones, and left feeling let down ). You could go uptown a bit to Union Square and try the Zen Palate. Reasonably priced, consistently good product, and it's probably still a going concern. Despite the name, they have a variety of cuisines, although it's all vegan if that's a problem for you. Frankly, once I got serious about cooking, I gave up eating out. You'll pay an arm and a leg for a decent meal anywhere in NYC at this point.

cognitivedissonance
The last ten years of Crumb's work has justified everything offputting he's ever done. Plus, Crumb isn't driven by envy or rage. CWC's motivations are envy, pride, gluttony, sloth and mutant, delusional dedication. CWC is a mass of animated vice. If he was a White Wolf character, he'd be a Spirit-Driven.

Sexy Duck Cop
Just so everyone knows, the official Sonic the Hedgehog Twitter account--yes, the Sega-run one--is openly trolling Chris-Chan.
https://twitter.com/sonic_hedgehog/status/726090715885756416
I gotta say, even without openly name-dropping Sonichu, this....thing is still delightfully incoherent.
Cena_mark
Sexy Duck Cop, it always cracks me up whenever I see your name anywhere near a CWC submission.

Sexy Duck Cop
Thanks _Mark. Chris-Chan truly brings out the holiday cheer in all of us.

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