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Desc:July 10th, 2016: Christopher Christian Christine Weston Chandler Becomes Self-Aware
Category:Military, Military
Tags:cwc, Chris Chan, skynet, Judgment Day, record number of stress sighs
Submitted:Sexy Duck Cop
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Comment count is 31
Rangoon - 2016-07-10
How is he still alive?
cognitivedissonance - 2016-07-10
The Big Government Nanny State.

Old_Zircon - 2016-07-10
I have exactly zero problems with my tax dollars subsidizing this.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-11
I have problems with tax dollars subsidizing this, as taxation is coercion, and not everyone would want their tax dollars going to Chris' tugboat.

That said, just like OZ, I too am fine with *my own* tax money subsidizing this. I'd happily, voluntarily pay into Chris' tugboat in order to support her art, and indeed, of all the things the state pays for - drones, bailouts, guns for ISIS - I'd say Chris' McNuggets and PS4 are definitely some of the most productive.

memedumpster - 2016-07-11
If your taxes had a line item option, where you got to see :


Please select funding for :

1.) Global extermination of all comfortable non-whites, and poors of all colors.
2.) Roads, bridges, and electric grid.
3.) Chris Chan toys.
4.) Texas secession.

Please select two.


We would be living in the greater 49 states of Sonichu... in the dark, but who cares!

EvilHomer - 2016-07-12
Why would my taxes go towards funding Texit? I am not a Texan, and if they want to be their own nation (a good idea for everyone; I am for it) then they should pay for their rebellion themselves.

It's like asking a citizen of CWCville to pay for Australatina's military occupation of Canada. CWCvillians have plenty enough to worry about at home (what with the bills, the stress, and all that), and if Magi-Chan began forcing the happy people of CWCville to subsidize Australatina's war on Canada (or their bloated, failing healthcare system, or their undersecretary's obsession with road-signs), then obviously, that would be totally unethical.

But you can certainly donate money to Australatinan charities if you want to, or even volunteer to go there yourself.

chumbucket - 2016-07-10
Does his head finally explode at the end of this?
yogarfield - 2016-07-11
Thankfully she has no knowledge of the real world, else her brains would be spilling out of her nostrils.

dairyqueenlatifah - 2016-07-10
Wow, just when I thought he couldn't be anymore deluded and self-centered, he goes on a tirade about how all his estranged relatives should be giving him their money.
Miss Henson's 6th grade class - 2016-07-10
And sometimes I think my life's a mess.
Anaxagoras - 2016-07-10
You know, I was all set to get pissed off when she started the video by blaming "Mr. Bill" for something she's been doing in her webseries, or whatever-the-fuck creative endeavor she's involved in. And then she kept going, and....

How can you people keep up with this saga? It's depressing as hell. She obviously has no life skills whatsoever and is completely overwhelmed by basic things like bills & rent.
bawbag - 2016-07-11
A problem that will only worsen when her mother passes away sadly.

I don't think the CWC saga will end at all well, but I do hope otherwise.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-07-11
I think this video, in its own surreal, abstract way, might signify the beginning of the end of this saga. It's like the end of this season of Game of Thrones; at some point, Danaerys had to stop treading water trying to bring peace to the Middle East and just go to the goddamn boat store already.

My point is this season saw many unsustainable situations finally collapse, and the same is happening with Chris. Barb is absolutely about to die. She's 74 years old, in poor health, can't pay her medical bills without the help of cyber bullies, and looks like a corpse on camera. Meanwhile, Chris has been scraping by the past couple months by appealing to a combination of pity and novelty by the people who once trolled him, and just now it seems as though it's starting to dawn on him that he can't do this forever; that at some point, the free money will dry up and he'll actually have to acquire it some other way.

We're a ways away from him realizing that won't come from some enormous News Corp-level media empire materializing out of thin air through his Sonic the Hedghog recolor and a handful of sympathetic gal pals whose patience/interest is rapidly waning. But he is starting to grasp the gravity of the situation and how reliant he is upon others. And that, my friends, is progress.

He is also capable of finding plot holes in that stupid fucking story he chose to devote eight months to reading, which was amazing. Chris-Chan just accurately critiqued your horrible short story, motherfucker. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-07-11
Seriously, just imagine being George Lucas, and instead of Mr. Plinkett tearing apart The Phantom Menace, it was Chris-Chan, who opens his 90-minute review with the greatest Stress Sigh in human history.

Monkey Napoleon - 2016-07-11
The final chapter hasn't really begun. He still doesn't see that nobody is going to buy his characters or stories because they're shitty and copyright infringing.

1. Barb dies.
2. He gives up his trans shtick for the feebleminded and desperate attempt at getting laid that it is.
3. Possibly comes to the realization that he's actually just plain old gay (the lady doth protest too much) and that his parents warped him to hate what he is
4. Never actually tries to sell his hoard of man-baby accoutrements right up until the day the bank comes and locks him out of his house.
5. We get a couple videos of him taken in a library complaining about how unfair it is that the bank sold all his jizz-covered possessions and fever-pitched begging for money/place to stay before he disappears forever.

They say on cold dark nights in Ruckersville, Virginia, if you listen hard enough... you can hear a ghostly voice croaking from alleyways "Jooolllaayyyyy!"

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-07-11
Continuing the Game of Thrones analogy: Dany v Cersei Colon Dawn of Justice is really just the setup for the ultimate End All Be All Battle against the White Walker Jerkop Squad. Chris' current predicament is a crucial part of the narrative because, if we're following the classic Hero's Journey, which Chris' actual, nonfiction life weirdly conforms to, he needs to have a Moment of Crisis before finding the Inner Strength to save the day in the end. He needs to go to the boat store, leave Slaver's Bay, become Skynet, kidnap and torture his own creator (Ellen from "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream"), discover Bruce Willis was dead all along and the Village takes place in modetn times, then get a real fucking job as a Walmart greeter.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-11
I think we're seeing the start of a new saga, but I don't think there's any sort of "realization" going on on his part - at least, not "realization" in any form that a normal person might recognize.

Case in point: Chris just now released three or four short e-begging videos, in which he pulls on his nose to make it look like a pig, all the while grunting, snorting, and fake-farting repeatedly. This is not Chris coming to any profound realizations or "making progress". This is Chris having a stress-induced meltdown and finding newer, ever more creative ways to dig the hole deeper.

badideasinaction - 2016-07-11
The sad part is I have friends who are less self-aware of the hole they've dug in their life than Christine is. They're certainly more socially aware than Christine is, but their lives are equally broken, they can just blend easier. It's fucking depressing.
Anaxagoras - 2016-07-11
Are you using hyperbole? Because I honestly can't imagine how someone could fuck over their life more than Chris-Chan did. Oh sure, your life could be coming to an ignominous end (e.g. You have terminal cancer after living an unfulfilling, pointless live w/out having experienced any meaningful relationships along the way), but that's not the same thing. Chris has driven her life into a hole which is, quite literally, deeper & more depressing than anything I could imagine, and she is one of those cases where if she committed suicide I would shrug my shoulders and say "Yeah, that makes sense." It would still be sad, but given where she is, it's one of the better outcomes I can envision.

OBLIGATORY NOTE: I'm not advocating that she, or anyone else, commit suicide. If you're having suicidal thoughts, please have a heart-to-heart with a good friend or, better yet, see a mental health professional. I'm just saying that I don't think suicide is always the ultimate no-no that our society says it is.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-11
Maybe we just run in different circles, Anax, but I agree with badideas. I've met plenty of people who are nearly, at, or even deeper into the hole than Chris is. None of them are as amusing and entertaining as Chris, true, but it's not just the lone A-logs and ADFs who are worse off than our hero.

memedumpster - 2016-07-11
From my own pointless philosophical mindset, I can only offer the following.

I would rather have to face the horror of coming to terms with abandoning a life actively wrecked than deal with one that never contained anything, leaving me with nothing to regret or latch onto for desperate change. Sometimes it's more worthwhile to abandon a huge pile of shit than never have any reason to run at all.

I have knows scores of people way more existentially unawares and doomed than Chris. They are common.

Never underestimate social inclusion as a vector towards a completely curbstomped life.

badideasinaction - 2016-07-11
There really isn't any hyperbole - they're lost in rooms full of toys, merch, collectibles etc., are often in their 30s, have no skills, and all their pursuits are not followed up by either talent or persistence (i.e. they're all "struggling creators" who never actually get around to creating anything). In some case the only reason they're not homeless is their parents are still alive and able to house them; they're effectively young teens in the bodies of 30somethings and if they have a job it's seen as a way to buy their toys, not to accumulate to pay bills. Some openly beg for money online with angrily justifying their convention trips, others travel to cons to sell stuff despite it being a money loser for them every time.

In their cases, however, they have the social functioning needed to go out, party, make friends and other wise have a regular life, but I'm not sure if it's in spite of it or because of it, they just can't see what they'e doing to themselves.

Somewhere out there is the geek-adapted version of Requiem for a Dream waiting to be made.

memedumpster - 2016-07-11
It exists.



Dan Harmon is the penultimate screeching manfetus (children are not that immature). There is no aspect of maturity that Chris Chan doesn't trump him on, Chris is just less creative. If Chris Chan invented Rick and Morty, we'd all be watching trolls force Dan Harmon to strip naked and scream at cares without taking PCP.

memedumpster - 2016-07-11
Cars, I mean, not cares. No one screams at cares.

Anaxagoras - 2016-07-11
Wow. That's all very depressing.

I thought I led a pointless, directionless life. But.... Jesus. I'm going to go hug my wife, take my dogs on a walk, and be thankful for the scraps of meaning I've managed to accumulate in my life.

memedumpster - 2016-07-11

Through a YouTube darkly.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-11
Meme, you god-dang troll; now Google thinks I watch Nerdist!!! It'll take me weeks to scrub all the Sarah Silverman and John Oliver recommend-ads off my filter bubble.

I expect this sort of antisocial behavior from JHM, but not you.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-11
I should also point out that it's not just manchildren or smelly kids. There's also people with legal problems, family issues, serious financial difficulties, crippling diseases, and/or important responsibilities which they have failed to live up to. All things considered, Chris is doing fairly well for himself; he's got his own house, he's well-fed, he's comfortable, he's (somewhat) healthy for an obese man, and he's a minor celebrity with a growing cult following. Even his tits are coming along nicely!

Sure, Chris has no friends and his chances of accomplishing his life's work (finding love) are virtually zero, but at least he's not ODing on Oxys under a bridge. At least he's not a registered sex offender, or living in some country that Obama and Hillary bombed. Just off the top of my head I could probably name at least a half-dozen poe exhibits who've fucked their lives up more than CWC, and I can't even count how many I've met IRL!

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-07-12
75% of Chris' income consists of welfare checks and 25% comes from frantic begging. He burned down his home once already and, despite being theoretically debt-free, has shown zero interest in not blowing 110% of his income on vibrators, lipstick, and Pokemon Go DLC. His mother is about to die and he has literally zero functional life skills beyond acting like a weirdo on the Internet.

I'm sorry EH, but if you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-12
Could you define "happy ending"? I can't give too-specific anecdotes, but I've worked with numerous people who are A LOT like Chris - down to the living with the hoarder moms who died - and I think Chris'll be OK (a sufficiently-Chris value of OK, at least).

He won't be wealthy, he'll never get a job, and he'll never get married, but he's good at adapting, and despite being fucked-up and outwardly miserable, he's got a remarkably healthy, optimistic outlook on life.

EvilHomer - 2016-07-11
Who's "Mr Bill"? Is that Watermelon? Did Watermelon put him up to this?
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