memedumpster  - 2016-09-26
I will now 100% accurately predict the debates so you guys don't have to watch it, and can hang out with us instead.
Trump : I put forth, America, that humans are beings of intelligence which are made of atoms, and therefore the mechanics of intelligence must have their origin in the common laws of physics known to define the nature of atoms, while my opponent believes in a metaphysical transcendental outer-determinism-
Clinton : Now hold on there, Donald, I never made any argument from metaphysics, only that the internal state of chemistry that gives rise to intelligence and consciousness could be part of a higher order causal plateau that has an emergent determinism outside the level of the standard rules of chemistry.
Trump : "Causal plateau," was that in Kant or Doonesbury?
*audience laughs*
Clinton : You mean Outland, you cultural hack?
Trump : Seriously though, folks, I think what we can agree on is that science needs more funding to better understand our common, perhaps crystallized, human condition.
*Hillary nods along*
Trump : Because this atomic determinism needs to be understood, since it is key to understanding human nature and solving our problems.
Holt : Secretary Clinton, you once said 'that whatever can be said of a human being, a human being is greater.' In light of atomic determinism's role in what you call a plateau of intelligence, do you still hold to this?
Clinton : Well, that's a tough one, Lester, because we rely on our capacity to measure and explain things to gain consistent knowledge, and as my opponent points out, you can easily stray into metaphysics, but I don't see a ready contradiction in admitting that our methods are sound even if the dataset of our knowledge is incomplete.
*Trump nods*
Trump : The very fact that we're broadcasting this debate in light to the world is a sign that our methods are generating knowledge.
Clinton : So when we look at an election cycle we need to make clear that this could be a mere act of physics, or it could be a higher order of physics that remains untapped by examining particles instead of human composites of chemistry.
Trump : Look at our mental healthcare, it's a shambles, we need more biologists and less drug dealers in this industry.
Clinton : And if the voters are tired of war as much as we all seem to be, they must come to see the role of entropy and thermodynamics in our international conflicts, as well as our decision making process as political entities.
Holt : Mister Trump, how would you best, in as few words as possible, define the difference between your and Miss Clinton's vision for America.
Trump : One word, Laurence : Fusion. Right now, there is a fusion plant superproject going on outside the United States that will have every American paying a foreign light bill by 2056. That is unacceptable, we need our own fusion plant. Hell, they said that-
Holt : Brevity is the soul of wit, Mister Trump, Secretary Clinton, how about you?
Trump : I wasn't trying to be funny, Lester.
Clinton : Solar. Fusion is a nice feather in your hat if you're a group of scientists from smaller European countries, but we need solutions now. Fusion's potential safety concerns are unexplored, and the technology completely experiminental.
Trump : You cannot look at the gestalt of mathematics and their absolute technical consistency and say the formulas for fusion are unexplored.
Clinton : My opponent loves to rely on neo-Kantian-
Trump : That is just offensive, seriously.
Clinton : -rejection of the supremacy of empiricism over a priori knowledge. His campaign was rife with it.
Trump : Lester, can I speak?
Clinton : It's like he never heard of Einstein.
Trump : Oh my god, Lester? Seriously?
Holt : Very interesting, but we need to take a break for our sponsors, and we'll be back with Trump v Clinton in our first of many enlightening debates.
---
See you guys at the movies!
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