"Now, unlike boys, there will be days where you will be bleeding all over the place. You don't want to get blood on your clothing, all over the carpet, or the tiles of the shower. To maintain a Clean and Neat appearance, anything your blood touches must be set aflame in front of the eighth graders, including your house. To prevent that from happening, always trust Always® Brand Sanitary Pads. Not the tampons, though. Those were created by rogue employees in league with Satan. Clean and Neat also means preventing anything from penetrating your folds before your wedding night. Yes, that also means the fence post. You didn't land on a fence post...did you?"