Camonk +5 stars just for use of the word suppurating. At least five or six more for actually being really funny.
Hakujinjoe I remember this commercial. It's almost exactly as he says it. Although I kind of like those breakfast treats. They're kind of dry and sweet and shaped like a big S.
KnowFuture Pretty shitty as cookies go, too...they're like the kind of thing a person who's trying to quit eating sweets can keep for years on end (since they come from the store all bland, dry, and crumbly, I'd imagine they have a pretty good shelf life) in some remote, obscure part of the kitchen as emergency sugar.
coprolalia "David Fincher-esque" is a pretty concise way to convey the setting.