I'm a Christian, and as a Christian, I am pretty confident we used to burn people at the stake for horrible acts of sacrilige such as this.
Side note, looks like they are using the same engine as Second Life (bad thing)
|Jeff Fries |
If you were thinking about how this footage makes you want to be the ultimate The Zoo Race resource for trailers, screenshots, cheats, walkthroughs, release dates, previews, reviews, soundtracks and news, please be aware that IGN already occupies that position.
"As head librarian, I'd like to recommend you read the Dictionary."
What, like, all of it? Even if that were a good idea, I don't think that poor autistic man is up to the task.
Holy shit. The devout christian guy is every ridiculous liberal stereotype of christians... but the librarian is every ridiculous christian stereotype of liberals.
Aside from that, this is pretty mindblowing in general.
I thought Wisdom Tree went out of business.
What the shit? Did they get shot out of cannons? Why did they get shot out of cannons? And why did they break down into disco dance party? And if the Christian god is a loving god, why did he let the developers create an opening sequence that felt like it was never going to end?
|Killer Joe |
Did Noah ever play racing games by putting animals in cannons and exposing them to DANGEROUS LEVELS OF HYDROGEN?
It's not an exaggeration to say that animation this poor would be hard to achieve if you were purposely trying to make it awful.
I nearly wet myself when he started running around the library.
I've now completely converted to racing-animal-based Christianity.
Also, I need an mp3 copy of the haunting Zoo Race theme song.
"It was a half-passed nine or a quarter to ten,
They said something....
AND IT STARTED AGAIN!"
|Clever Name |
Oh, great. I'm a horse now.
AH, CREATURE RACING
"After laughing and teasing her friend Rueben about believing in the Noah's Ark story, then Hannah the librarian has a dream about it. In her dream, her friends are re-shaped into animals and she herself changes into a racehorse and participates in the race "Games of Celebration" after the world flood. But, unknown to everyone, Noah’s sons have created a lot of obstacles on the racetrack for the creatures. These obstacles on the racetrack slow down the participants and include hurdles, glass mazes, Piranha fish, fire geysers, exploding barrels, rockets, cannons, bomber planes and more! "Let's give them a real race, ha-ha!" said Japeth. "Yes and let’s have some fun!" said Shem and Ham, so beware, because this race is so very different."
Infinity stars for the part where the train goes barreling across the bridge....AND HANNAH THE HORSE IS THE CONDUCTOR.
The more I watch this, the more I'm seriously considering dropping the $17.77 on a copy of this.
I kind of WANT to encourage him to make more.
"Whichever creature that you play as, be sure to act like a creature and get all the food that you can, because collecting and eating all food gives you temporary energy bursts that can potentially propel you to the lead position. If playing on the “Hannah’s Heights” or when running on the “Moon” itself though, then be careful of the crows there and them dropping their crow poop on the ground towards you. Do not mistake the food for the crow poop, because eating crow poop results in a speed penalty, which will slow you down."
God sounds kind of stoned.
(Is that Jesus singing?)
|bang to buck ratio |
I'm not some dumb animal-creature like you read in your books. You need to get a brain, Reuben.
I love how Ruben looks like he's 60 but acts like he's 7. Also, did he take a dump behind the bookshelf after he ran around?
|Fur is Murder |
I kept expecting Reuben to ask someone to take him to the big place.
Finally, a Christian game that is both made by, and marketed towards, autistics.
|Aubrey McFate |
I thought it couldn't get any better/worse, and then Hannah The Horse straddled a rocket.
You owe it to yourself to visit zoorace.com.
Minimum: Pentium 4 – 1.6 GHz or higher - 512 MB RAM
Recommended: Pentium 4 - 2 GHz or higher - 1024 MB RAM - Shaders 2.0 or above
DirectX 9 or greater
That's higher than most decent games from a few years back. Half of that would be pretty decent for the likes of Dungeon Keeper 2.
|Caminante Nocturno |
They were trying hard to make Hannah sound non-religious at the beginning, but were too afraid to have her say anything to explicit.
I like when he peeks up from the desk and there's a draining sink sound effect for no goddamn reason.
|Sudan no1 |
I really feel for these characters, with their crippling disabilities and self-esteem issues. I'm glad they found happiness as racing animals.
|Rodents of Unusual Size |
I am pretty darn sure that Reuben lied on his resume to get that library job.
Added to favorites.
Wait a minute, this is just Katamari Damacy!
|Pie Boy |
The Strangelove rocket thing really pushed me over the edge.
|Spastic Avenger |
REuben sounds like the backwards dwarf from Twin peaks
Does this count as an outsider video game? I think it does.
So, I'm pretty sure I heard a male voice, and a female voice, which means at least two people read lines for this.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I can imagine that you are forced to watch that intro every time youtry to play the game.
I d/l-ed and played the demo and it's every bit as incomprehensible as the trailer, but lacked cannons, missles, and the disco. It might be fun if you were really, really baked.
It's funny how something like this can offer more entertainment than any comedy film I've seen in ages.
God enjoys running animals in races through dungeons, sewers, and apocalyptic steampunk villages littered with weapons, flame throwing floors, and Noah clones rolling barows.
wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowo wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowo wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowo wowowowowo
I have a feeling this was made ironically, and not by real Christians.
AND.....uh...REUBEN THE RHINO
also, what a dapper pig. he's bigger than the cougar, too!
And you, Reuben... you're a RHINOCEROS
|Billy the Poet |
You could literally sell a turd if you stamped a cross on it.
|Teased Vagina |
I can't believe I hadn't seen this before now.
I'M A HORSE NOW
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