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Desc:Yahtzee tries teaching us how NOT to make a shit FPS
Category:Video Games, Humor
Tags:FPS, zero punctuation, Yahtzee, Turok
Submitted:GQ
Date:03/19/08
Views:3847
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Comment count is 29
Jimmy Labatt
My favourite one so far
SARS
Redneck Rampage!
Monchiles Monchiles
I can't wait for Smash Brothers Brawl to be reviewed. But more topically, I personally believe that First Person Shooters have just about hit the wall as far as innovation is concerned.
Lurchi
Turok 64! "I...am...TUROK!"
Rovin
Hey, it's Blood! Great game. Pity the sequel turned out so poorly.

Most pure FPS's I've played the last few years I've found too short and too... blah, though I have dug the hell out of the Condemned games, despite the fact that three quarters or more of their environments tend to consist of "Shithole, trash-riddled tenement building."
Merzbau
I loved Blood 2, but mostly because a) I came to it after most of the game-breaking bugs were fixed (as opposed to merely annoying and shitty bugs), b) I didn't pay a red cent for it, and c) it had the best enemy dialogue EVER. A dozen different guys, all with the same overblown voice, constantly interrupting each other, leading to things like:
"Come out, we won't hurt-" "YOU WILL DIE A SLOW, SLOW DEATH!"

Also, it had the ball from Phantasm, and that was badass.

Rovin
Oh man, that Phantasm sphere.... good call on that.

Blood 2 was a case where the modding community really did wonders to improve the game far more than the developers did.

RockBolt
Gunmetal gray and dogshit brown
cognitivedissonance
I think we should just bypass the star system entirely and just add a new button for "Kitten/Yahtzee/Malcolm MacDowell".
StanleyPain
How fucking hard would it have been to make a Turok game ACTUALLY BASED ON THE TUROK comics?? Seriously.

I mean, yeah, I used to read Son of Stone as a kid, but it's not nostalgia talking alone....the plot is BEGGING to made into a video game, but they keep having to add in lasers and aliens and all sorts of weird shit.
Udderdude
Best one yet.
Camonk
Games definitely, definitely need more undead cowboys. To be completely honest, everything needs more undead cowboys. Let's get on that, people.
Cinnamon Imperialist
I wanted to hear him riff on a game about space marines fighting dinosaurs, not go off on your typical unfunny elitist PC Gamer spiel about how everything was better back in the olden days and how the console tards are ruining their sacred medium.
RandomFerret
Is that a knee-jerk reaction, or can you actually refute his points?

Monchiles Monchiles
I agree with Cinnamon. I was actually kinda hoping that he'd talk more about Turok instead of First Person Shooters in general.

yourmother
RandomFerret: BUT ITS TRUE THO RITE!?!?!

Adramelech
This. PC elitist nostalgia has to be the worst, most outrageously inaccurate nostalgia ever. Even acting like there is or has been some huge rift between PC and console games makes you come across like an enormous out of touch douchebag.

Adham Nu'man
I actually like how FPSs handle on consoles now a days, and I appreciate what Halo has done for the genre, including the regenerating health thing, but it is truly boring and stupid to set every single bloody game in a huge intergalactic war of armored macho men versus aliens. People liked Halo precisely because, when it first came out, it was different. Now every single game is like it, except with MOAR ludicrousness.
Bioshock is incredibly overrated, but I still enjoyed it more than any other FPS this year simply because it didn't give a fuck what the standards were and did something different.

Valkor
Call of Duty 4 was pretty great.

Caminante Nocturno
BLURH
DINOSAURS
BLURH
Squeamish
RON FUCKING PERLMAN

A Jumping Spider!
de-rez video?
RockBolt
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/de-rez/30 19-de-rez-News

I've only made it though a couple of these, they are pretty horrible

Jeff Fries
ECHO
HO
ho
o

Pie Boy
I bet they're delaying SSBB in Australia so they can put Yahtzee in it.
Squeamish
In Yahtzee's defense, Turok did pretty much play like a compilation of all the worst things in an FPS. Even worse, the game tried to use stealth as a mechanic, only the stealth engine was broken and you never knew if an enemy would magically see you sneaking up behind him or not.
Pillager
Great review!

Yahtzee's right about console games acting as lowest common denominator.

Mouse & keyboard FTW!
vissarion
King Canute on a flying marshmellow
bopeton
Wise-cracking misogynistic wankers.
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