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Desc:A two minute news report. Beyond parody.
Category:Educational
Tags:Andy Rooney, desk, crazy useless old man, thisll kill some airtime
Submitted:citrusmirakel
Date:01/01/09
Views:2394
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Comment count is 24
CharlesSmith
"Have you ever looked at my shoes? There's some kind of scuff mark on the bottom of the right one. I can't tell what it is. Sometimes I feel like I should buy new shoes, but it's just a little scuff mark. Maybe it's not permanent."

"I kind of feel like I want to have a little snack, but I'm having dinner later and I don't want to fill up. Maybe I'll have some peanuts, or a chocolate bar. Sometimes the receptionist has candy on her desk, I could probably get some of that when she's not looking. I'd really like a sandwhich but that would be too filling I think."

"I found this rock outside. It's grey. I guess a lot of rocks are grey these days."
Helena Handbasket
He has Maker's Mark in his drawer. He has a mirror in case he needs to know what he looks like. He has a woman to open his letters for him. Staples are a better invention than staple removers, but staple removers are a great invention.

These are important things to know.
bang to buck ratio
I use Kleenex for a lot of different things.
Hooker
Yeah. Holy fuck. I'm glad that didn't turn into a tangent.

Godard's Drinking Problem
All that and he never even mentions the most useless tool of all:

Andy Rooney. Ba-dum, cha!
Godard's Drinking Problem
Also found this in the comments section of CBSNews.com. Pretty bad ass as far as responses go.

"Andy, clearly you have no research staff:

To cut costs 3M applied the adhesive only to the edges of the tape. A remark was made by a St. Paul automobile detailer that the stingy Scotch bosses needed to put more adhesive on it, and the name has stuck ever since. Scotty McTape, a kilt-wearing cartoon boy, was the brand''s mascot for two decades, first appearing in 1944. The familiar plaid design, a take on the Wallace tartan, was introduced in 1945."

Nithing
Yes clearly weeks of research went into this piece.

BHWW
"I found these items while rooting around through my navel the other day and I honestly can't figure out how they got in there."

"See, this is a paperclip. I don't know what the young people are using these days to keep papers together but in my time we used these. A pretty simple bit of metal, small but solid and dependable but probably not as appealing to the crazy kids of today as opposed to whatever fancy new paperclipping gadgets are in favor now...and I have no idea how it got in my navel."

"This appears to be some sort of bread crust with a piece of string tangled up around it...Now I can't even imagine how this combination happened and somehow it ended up inside my navel."
Caminante Nocturno
Other people also don't use letter openers much, because they have e-mail.

Most cell phones can be programmed to play a specific tone when someone you don't want to talk to calls.

Andy Rooney's eulogy should be a reading of this segment.
sosage
"I haven't sharpened a pencil in years!"
DrVital
Phones can now make a different sound depending on who calls.

He's already living in paradise, he just doesn't know it.
Stupid Lisa Garbage Face
"Sometimes, I don't feel like doing any work so when they switch on the cameras I just make up something on the spot."
Rodents of Unusual Size
Next time, on 60 Minutes...

"What is in my ears today? Let's find out. I like to use Q Tips. Did you ever wonder why it was a Q Tip, and not a P Tip? I like to mind my Ps and Qs, even if they are just cotton. And why is my earwax there anyway? It's not like I'm a bee. I don't have honey in my ears. Well, except for that one time, but I don't like to talk about that."

afp3683
Well shit, we have 60 minutes to fill and no more material. Andy, talk about the crap in your desk for a little while.
Stupid Lisa Garbage Face
Just imagine 60 minutes cutting short an inspiring touching story about cancer survivors just so Andy can let the world know he has two different sizes of scissors.

ProfessorChaos
-2 for the intro advertisment.
citrusmirakel
Well, thank you for giving this the seven stars it deserves, then.

citrusmirakel
Hey, the CBS site is embedding video into poeTV now.

Thanks, Chet. Assuming that was your doing.
Evilhead
He has nose hair scissors in his desk.
pastorofmuppets
I guess Andy is the precursor to blogging. I'm sure many of you already know this, but it finally struck me today.
Syd Midnight
If old people knew how to blog, they'd never leave a keyboard. This is gonna be a world crisis in about 20 years.

Nithing
He doesn't seem happy about Susan opening his mail. Is she stealing from him? Possible elder-abuse?
Man Who Fights Like Woman
Those are my pennies!
frau_eva
You know Suzie just wants to stab that old bastard with a letter opener. Rooney seems like he just rambles about everything in front of him ALL DAY. And Jesus, what mail does he get? Is it other old people complaining back at him?

My mind is still boggling over a staple remover being a better invention than staples. It's a goddamn zen koan.
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