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Desc:Skip to 2:20. Stay tuned for surprising reveal at the end!
Category:Crime
Tags:cunnilingus, twist ending, cwc, Chris-Chan, thats not how you do that
Submitted:Smellvin
Date:04/22/10
Views:7648
Rating:
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Favorited 13 Times

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Comment count is 87
lucienpsinger
I believe that's the first time I've literally cowered in fear before a Chris-Chan video, and that's coming from a man who's watched him fuck a blow-up anime love doll.
Scynne
Wait, what? What? What did you just say? What? WHAT??!?!!

lucienpsinger
Do you really wanna know? Google "chris-chan sextape" and it's the first result. He's pretending his sex doll is someone named Julie, and so you get audio like this:

"Mm! Julie. Julaaay! [schlorp schlorp schlorp] Mm! You like that, dontcha Julie?"

Obviously, it's the most NSFW thing ever. Just play it in another tab/window but don't watch. You still get all the hilarious audio without quite so much naked Chris-chan.

"You take that like a good bad girl. [schlorp schlorp] Julaay! JULAAAAAY!"

Nikon
You don't need to look at that recording. You really don't.

Doomstein
Nikon speaks the truth.

baleen
grotesquely pantomimed cunnilingus week?

Repomancer
He's not naked during the sex tape. He's wearing socks.

rustedmutt
This cannot be unseen.
HarrietTubmanPI
Christ. Where the hell do you even begin with this.
Pillager
You call Region Ten & talk about committing him.

Rodents of Unusual Size
I think it's more than time.

Though these videos tell me that the mental health authorities MUST be overwhelmed if he hasn't been committed by now.

Rodents of Unusual Size
oh and I stopped watching this at 2:30. Judging from the reactions, I made it out just in time. Watching Chris Chan videos feels like that movie Descent where the woman is making it out of the cave, gets in her car and drives the fuck out, only to wake up in the fetal position as horrible monsters are about to eat her.

Nikon
Oh. Oh God.
Doctor Arcane
Wow. Just wow. The middle. The ending. OMG.
APE_GOD
Holyee shit.

The ending is like seeing a pile up car accident happen. Like, he just keeps upping the ante with every action he takes almost as if he were a David Lynch villain. He takes off the Mount-and-Do-Me shirt to reveal that that....just wow.



Nikon
It starts off with him talking about his past "girlfriends on the internet" with softcore anime/manga porn in plain sight, and then it gets worse. And worse. And worse.

Hooper_X
Oh my god.

Is this new pretend-girl named Jackie or Ivy? Because he seems to swap between the two names.

(Who am I kidding, it's Chris-Chan. You could call your fake girl Tits McWethole and he'd still believe you.)
APE_GOD
Flawless.

Doctor Arcane
I kind of figured Ivy was her Cosplay or Furry name or some shit.

Rovin
It was apparently a real girl who responded to a personal ad he'd placed in a local alt newspaper. She encouraged him to go stand up to the guy at that game place. He sent her the video, she got pissed about the obvious antisemitism, and, ultimately in his ultimate wisdom, he HIMSELF sent her to Cwckipedia - the "troll" site, not his own site. After that, her responses to him were little more than a frustrated, indignant, angry roar.

Rudy
I'm pretty sure he's being trolled again. Mainly because I've seen the ad. And in the emails, she asked him about all the shit the trolls needle him about.

The man in the pickle suit tricked him again.

*sigh*

APE_GOD
Wait wait.

The man in the pickle suit came BACK?!

MaulLove
To Chris it's always the man in the pickle suit.

dead_cat
I hope somebody eventually works up the boredom to have someone don a pickle suit and deliver a birthday card/sing a birthday message to Chris-chan.

Doomstein
Some troll in a pickle suit broke up his blind date one time. He literally walked up to them in a pickle suit and stole her away.

dead_cat
Awesome.

Yellow Lantern
If only I had some 3-D glasses.
K. Brass
I think I need to call a rape crisis number after watching this. I feel... dirty.
urbanelf
Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.
Louis Armstrong
HAWT!! Hawt vomit going up my throooblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
glasseye
Horror upon horror!
Feyd
Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Udderdude
Living train wreck status upgraded to train wreck plus airliner crashing into the ground while a flash flood, earthquake and tornado occur all at the same time.
erratic
Don't let the good times pass you byyyyyyyy.

-a message from the church of jesus christ of latter day saints
kingofthenothing
He just needs to go to jail one good time.
KnowFuture
Honestly more than anything I'm surprised he has a cellphone and people call him on it. Unless he staged that part.

He's been under confusion for a little while, indeed.
KnowFuture
Typed the above before I got to the part with the....thing. At the end. Dear god why.

Rovin
They put his cell number right on troll sites, thus the question probably isn't "Why would anyone call him?" but, "You mean there's times when the thing ISN'T ringing?"

Apparently he pissed the Michael guy that runs that store off with his "Michael is prejudiced against Autistic people and you should harass him" graphic that he figured giving out Chris's phone number was fair play.

Monkey Napoleon
His novelty shirt is distracting me with mental images of him seeing it on the rack at WalMart and saying "Mount and Do Me" in his "special" drawl, followed by his delightfully autistic giggle wh.... OH MY GOD MY EYES SOMEONE HAND ME A SPOON
BHWW
I watched it and now...now...nothing will ever be right again.
Macho Nacho
It's like watching a piece of Hell.
klingerbgoode
somebody call the lobotomobile
boner
My rape horn went off by itself
Nikon
Chatroulette this sumbitch _now_. I can't wait to see the reaction videos.
revdrew
He's going to be raping babies on camera some day at this rate.
Magical Man from Happy-Land
SHOW US YER TITS
Riskbreaker
....and the abyss stared back.
kingarthur
Five for you.

Also, I choose to bury my head in the sand and believe all of it, from beginning to end, is just some elaborate piece of performance art.

I don't think it'll help me sleep, but here's hoping.

voodoo_pork
The Anti-Boner equation has been found. This video should be banned by the Geneva Convention.
charmlessman
Welp, good bye, penis. We had a good run.

Hay Belly
My vagina sewed itself shut.


The McK
Behold, Lord Darkseed.

Cleaner82
I'm glad you're with me voodoo_pork.

Here, at the end of all things.

rev.dinosaur
Can you imagine that?

Well? Can you?
mashedtater
its sitting here mocking all that i know is good and decent so while i want it to not be true...

there it fucking is.

thebaronsdoctor
So many things...The shirt...The juvenile snicker in his voice when he talks about sex...The bra...Ness it hurts
StanleyPain
Once again, my reaction to this:
http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=77349
pastorofmuppets
OH GOD THE SHIRT
OH GOD THE SHIRT
OH GOD
THE SHIRT
charmlessman
I literally had to scroll the screen down while he demonstrated his "skills". I couldn't watch. It was just *hurk* It was *hurk*...
OK, I can't even think about it.
pastorofmuppets
aaaand it looks like all the CWC haters went home, huh? that's because this is not a video to be trifled with.
spikestoyiu
Don't tempt them.

Mr. Bad Example
I got to the part where he starts demonstrating his oral "skills" and I...I blacked out and woke up on a pile of human skulls. The sun had turned black and a hidden children's choir was chanting in blasphemous Latin.

So, basically, Thursday.
ItsAboutTime
Wow, easily the best chris chan video in a year... Still, fuck the trolls. This guy needs some serious life coaching.
manfred
and by "life coaching", you obviously mean 50 mg of haloperidol and 2 mg of methylphenidate per day

Old People
Yes, give him some amphetamines. That's exactly what the boy needs.

Ghoul
Oh my god.
pastorofmuppets
Depressing subtext: he's advertising his tongue skills because you could use his dick to crank start an old-timey automobile. I wish I was kidding, and I wish I didn't know things about CWC's wiener, but there you go.
dead_cat
And yet, ODDLY ENOUGH, Chris-chan continues to be a virgin. What self-respecting girl wouldn't want to get it on with an unemployed, unwashed, obese, manbra-needing, semi-retarded virgin who has a lump of twisted, malformed gristle where his dick should be?


APE_GOD
Jesus Christ. Why did you say that. WHY? DON'T PUT THOSE WORDS TOGETHER ITS NOT COOL OKAY

Hooker
Chris-chan is the greatest Internet celebrity of all time.
bac
Balls.
CharlesSmith
How did he do it? How did he top himself again? After all this time? After all the things he's done? HOW? HOW? HOW?

If this is fake, he must have a goddamn TEAM of writers working around the clock.
bopeton
King of all trolls does it again.
pastorofmuppets
I hope God will forgive you, JEW

Enjoy
My troll radar is one of the best on the planet. If Chris-Chan is a troll he was born a troll and started trolling as a toddler.

Xero
It was good and then my mind literally went blank at 4:33.
Somebody get Smellvin a medal. He just won the internet.
Jet Bin Fever
I just woke up my whole apartment building.
themilkshark
The fucking sports bra.
dododge
If it weren't for that old news footage of him as a kid, this is the point where I'd finally stop believing he's real.

Hooper_X
God's lonely man.
Repomancer
Somebody stop me before I make a new L4D2 spray . . . halp
HP Lovesauce
HOLEESHIT.
fluffy
D: D: D:
John Holmes Motherfucker
Which one of you guys is pretending to Jackie?

NewHeavenSalesman
How did I not rate this.

Also, leave it to Chris to take the term "meat curtains" as a literal concept.
DavidBowiesLuckyTennisBall
Four more years
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