I believe that's the first time I've literally cowered in fear before a Chris-Chan video, and that's coming from a man who's watched him fuck a blow-up anime love doll.
Do you really wanna know? Google "chris-chan sextape" and it's the first result. He's pretending his sex doll is someone named Julie, and so you get audio like this:
"Mm! Julie. Julaaay! [schlorp schlorp schlorp] Mm! You like that, dontcha Julie?"
Obviously, it's the most NSFW thing ever. Just play it in another tab/window but don't watch. You still get all the hilarious audio without quite so much naked Chris-chan.
"You take that like a good bad girl. [schlorp schlorp] Julaay! JULAAAAAY!"
You don't need to look at that recording. You really don't.
He's not naked during the sex tape. He's wearing socks.
This cannot be unseen.
Christ. Where the hell do you even begin with this.
You call Region Ten & talk about committing him.
Rodents of Unusual Size
oh and I stopped watching this at 2:30. Judging from the reactions, I made it out just in time. Watching Chris Chan videos feels like that movie Descent where the woman is making it out of the cave, gets in her car and drives the fuck out, only to wake up in the fetal position as horrible monsters are about to eat her.
Oh. Oh God.
|Doctor Arcane |
Wow. Just wow. The middle. The ending. OMG.
The ending is like seeing a pile up car accident happen. Like, he just keeps upping the ante with every action he takes almost as if he were a David Lynch villain. He takes off the Mount-and-Do-Me shirt to reveal that that....just wow.
It starts off with him talking about his past "girlfriends on the internet" with softcore anime/manga porn in plain sight, and then it gets worse. And worse. And worse.
Oh my god.
Is this new pretend-girl named Jackie or Ivy? Because he seems to swap between the two names.
(Who am I kidding, it's Chris-Chan. You could call your fake girl Tits McWethole and he'd still believe you.)
I kind of figured Ivy was her Cosplay or Furry name or some shit.
It was apparently a real girl who responded to a personal ad he'd placed in a local alt newspaper. She encouraged him to go stand up to the guy at that game place. He sent her the video, she got pissed about the obvious antisemitism, and, ultimately in his ultimate wisdom, he HIMSELF sent her to Cwckipedia - the "troll" site, not his own site. After that, her responses to him were little more than a frustrated, indignant, angry roar.
The man in the pickle suit came BACK?!
To Chris it's always the man in the pickle suit.
I hope somebody eventually works up the boredom to have someone don a pickle suit and deliver a birthday card/sing a birthday message to Chris-chan.
Some troll in a pickle suit broke up his blind date one time. He literally walked up to them in a pickle suit and stole her away.
|Yellow Lantern |
If only I had some 3-D glasses.
|K. Brass |
I think I need to call a rape crisis number after watching this. I feel... dirty.
Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.
|Louis Armstrong |
HAWT!! Hawt vomit going up my throooblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Horror upon horror!
Living train wreck status upgraded to train wreck plus airliner crashing into the ground while a flash flood, earthquake and tornado occur all at the same time.
Don't let the good times pass you byyyyyyyy.
-a message from the church of jesus christ of latter day saints
He just needs to go to jail one good time.
Honestly more than anything I'm surprised he has a cellphone and people call him on it. Unless he staged that part.
He's been under confusion for a little while, indeed.
Typed the above before I got to the part with the....thing. At the end. Dear god why.
They put his cell number right on troll sites, thus the question probably isn't "Why would anyone call him?" but, "You mean there's times when the thing ISN'T ringing?"
Apparently he pissed the Michael guy that runs that store off with his "Michael is prejudiced against Autistic people and you should harass him" graphic that he figured giving out Chris's phone number was fair play.
|Monkey Napoleon |
His novelty shirt is distracting me with mental images of him seeing it on the $5 rack at WalMart and saying "Mount and Do Me" in his "special" drawl, followed by his delightfully autistic giggle wh.... OH MY GOD MY EYES SOMEONE HAND ME A SPOON
I watched it and now...now...nothing will ever be right again.
|Macho Nacho |
It's like watching a piece of Hell.
somebody call the lobotomobile
My rape horn went off by itself
Chatroulette this sumbitch _now_. I can't wait to see the reaction videos.
He's going to be raping babies on camera some day at this rate.
|Magical Man from Happy-Land |
SHOW US YER TITS
....and the abyss stared back.
The Anti-Boner equation has been found. This video should be banned by the Geneva Convention.
I'm glad you're with me voodoo_pork.
Here, at the end of all things.
Can you imagine that?
Well? Can you?
So many things...The shirt...The juvenile snicker in his voice when he talks about sex...The bra...Ness it hurts
Once again, my reaction to this:
OH GOD THE SHIRT
OH GOD THE SHIRT
I literally had to scroll the screen down while he demonstrated his "skills". I couldn't watch. It was just *hurk* It was *hurk*...
OK, I can't even think about it.
aaaand it looks like all the CWC haters went home, huh? that's because this is not a video to be trifled with.
|Mr. Bad Example |
I got to the part where he starts demonstrating his oral "skills" and I...I blacked out and woke up on a pile of human skulls. The sun had turned black and a hidden children's choir was chanting in blasphemous Latin.
So, basically, Thursday.
Wow, easily the best chris chan video in a year... Still, fuck the trolls. This guy needs some serious life coaching.
Oh my god.
Depressing subtext: he's advertising his tongue skills because you could use his dick to crank start an old-timey automobile. I wish I was kidding, and I wish I didn't know things about CWC's wiener, but there you go.
And yet, ODDLY ENOUGH, Chris-chan continues to be a virgin. What self-respecting girl wouldn't want to get it on with an unemployed, unwashed, obese, manbra-needing, semi-retarded virgin who has a lump of twisted, malformed gristle where his dick should be?
Jesus Christ. Why did you say that. WHY? DON'T PUT THOSE WORDS TOGETHER ITS NOT COOL OKAY
Chris-chan is the greatest Internet celebrity of all time.
How did he do it? How did he top himself again? After all this time? After all the things he's done? HOW? HOW? HOW?
If this is fake, he must have a goddamn TEAM of writers working around the clock.
King of all trolls does it again.
It was good and then my mind literally went blank at 4:33.
Somebody get Smellvin a medal. He just won the internet.
|Jet Bin Fever |
I just woke up my whole apartment building.
The fucking sports bra.
If it weren't for that old news footage of him as a kid, this is the point where I'd finally stop believing he's real.
God's lonely man.
Somebody stop me before I make a new L4D2 spray . . . halp
|HP Lovesauce |
D: D: D:
|John Holmes Motherfucker |
Which one of you guys is pretending to Jackie?
How did I not rate this.
Also, leave it to Chris to take the term "meat curtains" as a literal concept.
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