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Desc:Jesus won't let me sleep and he gave me a message at 5 am so this must be extremely important.
Category:Religious, News & Politics
Tags:Jesus, prophecy, Big Bang, oh how gray diw be, bamboorules
Submitted:lucienpsinger
Date:04/28/10
Views:1953
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Comment count is 32
Aelric
Incoming message from the big giant head.

I didn't know Jesus was so spiteful and grammatically awkward.
Rodents of Unusual Size
Look, Jesus has a lot of pressure when he's not playing TF2

Aelric
I always figured the son of god as a L4D player.

wtf japan
BITCH!

I love you.

-Jesus

andybrownie
This is one of his reply's on his own video


When I was still living in sin. One day a demon came to me. It was broad daylight. I was listening to some unholy music. He came upon me with great force. He wanted to posses me. I gnashed my teeth as he held me in his grasp. I felt what he wanted to do. But I resisted. I remembered what I have heard of Jesus. I sad to him : "Get lost, in the name of Jesus. Get lost." He did laugh at me. But anyway he left. What you say is true. Demons are afraid of people crying out for Jesus.

Replyed by Bamboorules: Wow!! That really happend? Remember satan will not attack you if you are not a threat! Jesus Bless you!! I pray you will stay repented
Chalkdust
Satan is more afraid of you than you are of him!

Hang food and anything with strong odors out of the reach of Satan, if possible (at least ten feet above the ground and five feet from the tree trunk). If no trees are available, store your food in airtight or specially designed Satan-proof containers!

Avoid surprising Satan at close range. If you are hiking through bear country, make your presence known, particularly where the terrain or vegetation makes it hard to see. Make noise, sing, talk loudly, or wear a bell.

One myth is that Satan is attracted to the scent of a menstruating woman. Satan experts say that is rumor, not fact.

If you spot Satan and Satan is unaware of you, detour quickly and quietly away.

Never run from Satan. Running may elicit a chase from an otherwise non-aggressive Satan, and since they can run faster than 30 mph, you have no chance of outrunning them.

Throw something onto the ground (like a camera) if Satan pursues you, as he may be distracted by this and allow you to escape.

Aelric
As little as I bother voting these days, you, Chalkdust, have given me hope for democracy.

poorwill
omg Chalkdust

TeenerTot
It wasn't Satan. It was his stepdad.

pastorofmuppets
How can he be certain that it wasn't one of the devil's minions pretending to be Jesus? They are very clever, you know.

poples
Before youtube, this guy was standing in a street corner wearing a sandwich board with "repent! for the end is nigh" written on it. It's great he doesn't have to leave his house anymore. Plus he totally reaches more people with the gift from God that is the internet.
Billy the Poet
It is so convenient that Jesus hates all of this things that I hate.
Reipuman
"YOU KNOW WHAT A LOVE LETTER IS, FUCKER?" -Jesus
Rodents of Unusual Size
My youth pastor used to get messages from Jesus and God that he would tell our group. He would get these messages while playing the guitar after going into a trancelike state and playing after we would hold up our hands in prayer for a really long time. He was our very own oracle; though apparently God's telephone was really vague and he wouldn't be able to pinpoint who exactly the messages were for other than "someone in this room".

I should mention that he also told stories of how he did tons of drugs when he was young and occasionally had acid flashbacks, and he never made a connection between the two. Which I'm sure were totally unrelated.
APE_GOD
Oh yes.

yes yes yes.

This one will be around for a while.

And things will only get better.
GiantAtomicFreak
Why can't Jesus get his own YouTub account?
SteamPoweredKleenex
Gee, I hope he got some sleep.

And Jesus needs to talk to his people in HR. They're not screening their applicants very well.
minimalist
Oh how gray ODB?
lucienpsinger
Oh how gray ODB. How gray. ODB... Ol' Dirty Bastard! Ol' Dirty Bastard also went by the name Big Baby Jesus. A big baby is another word for what? A whiner, that's right! Wine! And what did Jesus convert into wine? Nothing gets by you, my heterosexual life-mate! But gray water? What are we missing? Gray, gray, gr-- Old? Old water? No, stagnant water! Off to the old Smithson Swamp, chum, and bring your alligator repellent!

Billy the Poet
Big baby jesus I cant wait yo fuck nigga I cant WAAAIT!


TeenerTot
Jesus drunk dials a kid.

Ocyrus
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this VenomFangX's kid brother?
wtf japan
They're both batshit crazy messianic Jews, so maybe.

Xenocide
The Pizza Israel is soon!

Oh, neat. Jesus got us all dinner. Pizza Israel makes a quality pie, too. Just don't ask for pepperoni.
DK1987
When Jesus has a message for me at 5:00 AM I normally let it go to the answering machine.
charmlessman
OH MY!!!
That message was for ME!!!
Jesus personally delivered this message to some kid at 5am so he'd post a video to YouTube which would be found by a frequenter of poeTV, who would submit it to the hopper where no less than 6 people voted it up so that when I was getting bored at work I'd watch this video and get this message that was specifically made for ME!!!

And now that I've heard it... Meh.
memedumpster
What's a "deep prairie quest?"
lucienpsinger
Gopher hunt, I reckon.

Charles
I totally heard that too.

phalsebob
What dkind of spee-ch imedipent does he dhave?
Jet Bin Fever
I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't threaten to shoot us with a cannon or blow us up in an elevator.
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