Three tiny fairies storm the castle and kill the dragon, while some dude with a sword barely avoids getting killed behind them.
For a 'greatest badass', Maleficent isn't that bright:
"I have surrounded the man with a sword and his matter-dissolving fairies with some branches! They can never escape!"
(10 seconds later)
"No! It cannot be!"
DISNEY'S SIX GREATEST BADASSES:
6. The Grey-skinned Bad Guy from Mulan.
4. Dr. Facilier
3. Gaston again
2. The little old man who gets thrown out the window but then comes back and tells the undisputed absolute monarch of his country that he is "a rebel," from The Emperor's New Groove
1. Carl Fredrickson
Look, you really need to stop making me laugh like that. I'm part of an experimental trial, and you are ruining years of data collection through introduction of foreign variables!
A BETTER LIST:
1. Chernobog (he's not actually Satan, he is an ancient Slavic demon of darkness)
2. Scrooge McDuck
3. Mr. Toad
5. Pre-castration Mickey Mouse, when he stole cars and openly harassed Goofy
"Chernobog has made appearances in various media. As Chernabog, he features in the "Night on Bald Mountain" sequence in Disney's Fantasia (1940), as a gigantic black demon who summons ghosts and demons. In an interview, Walt Disney referred to him as Satan himself. It is this rendition which has been adapted for the video game Kingdom Hearts, where Chernabog appears as a boss character on top of Bald Mountain where he is considered to be one of the most powerful Disney Villains in the game. second only to Maleficent, who commands all the powers of Hell." -WP
|Koda Maja |
What else happens in this film outside of this 10 minute clip? This is pretty much the story as I know it. Is the first hour just the princess slowly falling asleep?
* The king and queen have a baby
* Some fairies come and sing rhymes to her or something.
* Oh shit, a BAD FAIRY. She puts a curse on the baby: if she ever touches a spinning wheel, it's eternal sleep for her! Take THAT, you smug-ass baby.
*The king and queen spend a decade and a half obsessing over how to avoid the curse. Eventually they figure the best course of action is to send the princess to live with the fairies in the forest.
*This makes sense because she's obviously safer out in the wilderness than in a heavily fortified castle with lots of guards.
* Most of the movie takes place here. Of course she sings songs to the animals, why did you even ask that. Also she randomly meets a prince and they fall in love. Happy coincidence!
* Oh shit the CURSE HAPPENED ANYWAY. Why did we agree to take the princess to that spinning wheel expo?
*[the part in the video]
* Walt Disney fires everyone who worked on this movie when he finds out one of them once talked politely to a Hispanic.
Pretty much, except the King and Queen spent only a few days worrying about how to avoid the curse before sending newborn Aurora off with the fairies into the forest. Obviously letting her live a simple peasant life for 16 years before saying "Hey your life's a lie, we're not really your family, time to go get married to some stranger and be a princess" was the best thing for her.
Aurora is probably is the least interesting of them all. She's the only one whose name I always forget. Well except Tiana, but at least she has the excuse of mostly appearing as a frog and in the worst movie.
I checked Wikipedia to confirm that by the way, and found that there is an official and authoritative list of 'Disney Princesses', and that there are various legal and philosophical disputes over who makes it. For example, Amy Adams was on there, until Disney realized it would have to pay to use her likeness. Fantasy and reality and collide in very strange ways.
You don't fuck an interesting or name you remember.
Jesus Christ, lady. All this fuss just because you didn't get invited to a party sixteen years ago. I'd hate to see what you're like at a high school reunion.
Things Prince Phillip did not do:
Choose the right path
Shut a crow up
Not get hit with arrows and rocks
Free his own goddamn cape
Things he did do:
Swing his sword around like an idiot
Maybe threw his sword but that looked like fairy magic too
My favorite part of this movie is when Maleficent transforms into the dragon and Merriweather (the blue one) rushes forward and Flora (the red one) stops her so that Philip can fight Maleficent himself, and then five seconds later they have to help him.
My second favorite part is Flora having to cast a spell on his sword to make sure he doesn't fuck up hitting a giant target 10ft infront of him.
Also, Disneyland's most criminally underwitnessed attraction, requiring the guest to walk up a flight of stairs to view some really rather impressive dioramas, with no line and a teeny little sign.
Animation nerds should note that roundabout this point in the studio's production situation, Walt had basically mentally checked out of animation entirely and was hanging out with Reagan and Nixon at the country club. This movie is such a success entirely BECAUSE Walt was an absentee father.
That said, it's the horse in this movie that kills me, and makes me wonder if anybody at Disney has ever actually seen a horse. Even caricatured, it looks like a chimera at best.
Maleficent sounds very much like the space empress who fired an owl at Green Lantern's head. Maybe that would have been the right strategy with Prince Phillip.
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