I can't bring myself to try this because, best case scenario, I will wake up to the heartbreak of not being Sasquatch.

Sasquatch fans: you NEED to start watching "Mountain Monsters", a hilariously inept monster hunting show. Created by a bunch of Appalachian hillbillies, watch as they wander around the woods with their inept improv skills like a bunch of 6 year olds playing make believe cryptid hunters.