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Desc:frChristian rap about side hugs, front hugs be too sinful
Category:Religious, Arts
Tags:Rap, Christian, christians, white people, side hug
Submitted:Anonymous
Date:11/19/09
Views:3369
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Comment count is 43
Man Who Fights Like Woman
Perhaps the most appropriate use of the "white people" tag yet.
Slumgullion
hah. hah. hah. hah.
Frank Rizzo
from stuffchristianslike.net


#106. The side hug.

Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.
spikestoyiu
Turns out stuffchristianslike.net is run by an actual Christian, and isn't at all funny. And it somehow landed him a book deal.

John_hmstr
That's the most creeped out I have been in a long time.

Way to bust a cap in those sinful thoughts with your bullets of awkwardness white boys.
MaulLove
Putting the E in PoETV.
Miskimo
Is this real life?
wtf japan
Only for Real Americans in Real America.

facek
Is there a Poe's Law tag? If not there should be.
memedumpster
I second that motion.

Christianity can't be parodied anymore, they have overcome satire.

bongoprophet
Poe's Law strikes again!

of all the groups of people who could've colonized/conquered America, why'd it have to be the damn puritans?
Syd Midnight
Because Europe kicked them out!

ASubmarineSandwich
I'm not 100% certain why they chose to sample The Imperial March from Star Wars as their back beat.

But somehow it's the perfect theme.
Unmerciful Crushing Force
Holy shit. You're right.

Best part is 3:25, which not even the forces of The Daily Show, SNL and The Onion combined could not make up.

themilkshark
Star Wars is a secular film. I'm sorry, but all of those side huggers are going to Hell for enjoying lightsabers and Ewoks.

facek
No joke, Star Wars is one of the only acceptable Fantasy-like film/film series within conservative christian circles.

I remember my friend's mother saying that is was good because there wasn't any paganism or magic in it. So he was able to watch Star Wars and loved it.

Lord of the Rings was off-limits though, because of the wizards.

Caminante Nocturno
Gimmie dat Christian Sideboob!

Throw in some o' dat Christian Underboob while you're at it, dog!

Let's raise da roof with some DFC! Divine Flat Chest, yo!
sosage
...and the crowd cheers even louder when they pretend to have been gunned down...
pastorofmuppets
Not only did I see this tonight, I found this:
http://www.christianchirp.com/

Some nights you have to go looking for entertainment but some nights it just falls from the sky like mana.

Toenails
Do dooo do do do!!!

juiceboxtheeverliving
I like how those two black dudes just stand in the back. if you have black dudes on stage with you, you must be dope
frau_eva
I would say that standing there and just having to be black would be the sweetest job ever, but they have to watch this every night. Dear God.

Adham Nu'man
The video was real awful to watch, but it has a happy ending, so 5 stars.
boner
Or if you're my family, you just never hug anyone, ever.
Camonk
If you try to front-hug this guy, he will put you in coma.
pastorofmuppets
It's a pretty good summary of Christianity, actually. Violence is cool, human contact is not.

YakooMarkTwo
That coma line stood out to me, too. Also, gunshot/shells dropping sound effects. Totally ok to beat people half to death and shoot at them. BUT DO NOT HUG THEM. EVER.

Also, "I buy babies like Angelina Jolie" is neither clever, relevant, nor funny - yet they all gave him mad snaps for that sick burn.


Walker
It did rhyme though, so props for that, right?

Turrican
Misses the part where they explain how to do the traditional Christian kiss of greeting from the side.
Xero
You don't kiss anybody, ever. Except your wife and you can't kiss her during intercourse. That's too sinful and damning. You just have to awkwardly stare at each other saying nothing. Dammit doesn't anyone know these things?

phalsebob
aaaaWWWW yeah! Right here! 2009!

It all sounds so banal, but they really are talking about issues critical to urban youth. Much like Stryper in my day.
pastorofmuppets
They dress like Kiss, they act like Kiss, but brother, they ain't Kiss!

Billie_Joe_Buttfuck
:D

Prude fly girls.
e-Sensei
I'm glad these guys are taking on the tough issues like front hugs. Back in high school, I knew a guy who front hugged this girl once. She got pregnant and had to have an abortion and now she's "damaged goods" and nobody wants to marry her.
Rodents of Unusual Size
Jesus never hugged?? What?

No seriously...what?
Wombles
"...never shall you embrace your fellow man in the spirit of goodwill and friendship."

Jesus, Acts 12-23

Camonk
That was never 11 verses, man.

That guy
for Wombles

Time Travel Mishap
Why do they have a screen in the middle of the stage that has a rotating virtual holodeck?
kanyakumari
Is it just me or did the black guys in the back front hug at the end of the song?
themilkshark
yes, they did

woodenbandman
is it just me or do none of the sentences lead into each other?
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