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Desc:this holiday season, I bring you the gift of embarrassment and discomfort
Category:Classic Movies, Crime
Tags:tom hanks, uncanny valley, Hot Chocolate, Polar Express, I think the message here is they got it
Submitted:Chalkdust
Date:12/18/11
Views:4569
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Comment count is 55
Cena_mark - 2011-12-18
Not as embarrassing and uncomfortable as The Grinch.
MongoMcMichael - 2011-12-18
Not quite, but here's five steamy stars.

StanleyPain - 2011-12-18
Sweet christ the CG in this movie was embarassing.
MrBuddy - 2011-12-18
Ah yes, the Polar Express rolling down the tracks through the uncanny valley. This scene was actually in the book but the waiters and cooks just brought the kids hot chocolate without any acrobatics.

duck&cover - 2011-12-18
Hot 'n' brown,
Now drink it down!
Senator_Unger - 2011-12-18
Let it get cold?
You won't live to grow old!

Killer Joe - 2011-12-18
Someone thought this song was just the greatest damn thing in the world.

FABIO - 2011-12-18
FUCK! I was looking for this to submit years ago but could never find a decent copy on youtube.

You'd have to reach for Lucas and Spielberg to find another director on Robert Zemeckis' level for creating brilliant shit in the 80s, followed by crap in the 90s, followed by utterly losing their mind by the 00s.
Jet Bin Fever - 2011-12-18
God, you're right.

Aelric - 2011-12-18
To be fair, Spielberg was still doing alright in the 90's.

StanleyPain - 2011-12-18
I don't think it's remotely fair to lump Spielberg in with Lucas and Zemeckis. Spielberg has his off moments, but he's still a "filmmaker." Lucas has been phoning it for decades and has absolutely no filmography under his belt in contemporary times except the prequels which were pretty damn terrible all things considered and were the result of someone clearly just automatedly farting out scenes from a robotic script, not really "making films."

Zemekis' thing of the CG people is just retarded on so many levels it doesn't even deserve discussing.

So, yeah...Spielberg, flaws and all, ain't even close to that yet.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2011-12-18
All of them have egos too big to admit they could make crap now.

You won't have any of them comparing shit like this to their former glory.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2011-12-18
Words cannot convey how much I hate this film.

FABIO - 2011-12-18
I just needed another director so it wasn't just a Lucas prequels comparison. Spielberg was the only thing that came to mind.

Though you have to admit he's nowhere his 80s material.

dairyqueenlatifah - 2011-12-18
My brother, who was five when this came out, saw it in the theater and hated it.

I can see why.
Xenocide - 2011-12-18
This sequence is wonderful because the children absolutely refuse to go along with this bullshit. None of them try to join in or sing along, they just sit there uncomfortably and wait for the crazy men to leave.

It's a pretty apt metaphor for how actual children react to seeing this film.
Chalkdust - 2011-12-18
I also like how abruptly it ends, with a sense of confining and abandoning the kids...

"Oh, you didn't enjoy our song and dance? Well, fuck you, sit in the train car in silence for the rest of the trip. Doors are locked!"

Xenocide - 2011-12-18
They even took the chocolate away, after making such a big deal about it. Assholes.

craptacular - 2011-12-18
i like the little black girl's thousand-yard stare. she doesn't know quite why she's stealing the hot chocolate, but she robotically does it anyways

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2011-12-18
She realizes at that point that no human can bend that way, that they are all cyborgs, and she will use the chocolate to short circuit as many of them as possible before leading her rag tag resistance group to freedom.

FABIO - 2011-12-18
I'm curious what most kids' reaction was to this movie.

TheSupafly - 2011-12-18
My dad loves this movie because he has the worst train fetish I've ever heard of within reality or fiction, and my mom loves it because of this scene.
cognitivedissonance - 2011-12-18
What is it with late middle aged men and trains? It's a weird fixation they seem to get. My dad has it too.

kingofthenothing - 2011-12-18
He probably feels trapped in a loveless marriage, and longs to get free. He sees trains as a symbol of opportunity, the opportunity to grab that freedom. He could just see the country. He could see the great outdoors. He could take charge of his own destiny. He could land somewhere and start over again; be a new man. He could but he knows he never will. Still, he has his dreams, and trains are the embodiment of those dreams.

cognitivedissonance - 2011-12-18
My dad sucks cock down at the truck stop. But nice try!

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2011-12-18
So he's seeing the country in his own way.

The trains embody boldness, adventure, and steamy hot good times. Just like sucking cock at the rest stop. He is living his dream.

And that is what the holiday season is all about!

memedumpster - 2011-12-18
Trains are cool. This movie is not.

Bort - 2012-12-31
The exchange between the three of you (cognitivedissonance, kingofthenothing, and RouS) may be my favorite thing on this entire site.

craptacular - 2011-12-18
that was abysmal.
Pompoulus - 2011-12-18
So yeah, I gotta do the hot chocolate dance like twice a trip, then there's your 'breakfast dance' and your 'general beverage dance'.

Guy I know got sprayed in the face by one of those hot chocolate pressure cannons, second degree burns, we're not kidding when we say that shit is hot.
Bort - 2012-12-05
Say what you will about overregulation, OSHA would shut this shit down in a heartbeat.

cognitivedissonance - 2011-12-18
At last, my fantasy of a Tom Hanks/train conductor Realdoll! How terrifyingly specific of my boner!
andybrownie - 2011-12-18
this fucking sucks
Bort - 2011-12-18
My opinion of hot chocolate has gone from favorable to unfavorable. Good work, movie!

Also, too much CG crotch in my face starting at 0:15.
kingarthur - 2011-12-18
Really glad I never saw this film.
BHWW - 2011-12-18
Zemeckis' career is now defined by his obession with technological movie making toys over making a decent film - seriously if you thought this was awful you definitely don't want to watch Zemeckis' A Christmas Carol.

What sealed the deal for me with this film was when Hanks' conductor loomed over the protaganist and told him in what was no doubt not intended to be a low, menacing tone "I think you should get on board." Yes, not creepy at all.
Meerkat - 2011-12-18
wtf was that in aid of
The Mothership - 2011-12-18
good god that was awful.
themilkshark - 2011-12-18
I watched this movie one time because I thought it might be good, after all Back To The Future was always good. This movie is fucking garbage, it will ruin your kid's Christmas.
Fur is Murder - 2011-12-18
Most of the kids: We're not in this scene.
klingerbgoode - 2011-12-18
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

I DON'T GOT IT!!
Enjoy - 2011-12-18
Every Christmas I watch this and Bad Santa. It's my tradition.
Caminante Nocturno - 2011-12-18
God damn it, why won't Tom Hanks shut up?!
Binro the Heretic - 2011-12-18
Stars for evil.

If you really want to experience true horror, however, seek you out clips of the elves, especially the Aerosmith elves.

I still wake up screaming, sometimes.
Chalkdust - 2011-12-18
What did your nephew think of this movie? (I am assuming that's the only reason you would have seen it.)

Binro the Heretic - 2011-12-19
Yeah, we watched it together when it came on TV.

Afterwards, he simply said "That wasn't very good" and we've given it a pass every year since, thank God.

jreid - 2011-12-18
Dead faces. Limbs that fold like cloth tubes filled with sand.
Spit Spingola - 2011-12-18
I think the terrible flat lighting surprised me more than the shoddy animation. Taiwan's animated news reports blow this out of the water and cost a lot less too.
Jane Error - 2011-12-18
I dunno--if you ignore the dead eyes and Hank's keening it's pretty impressively shot and choreographed.
Chalkdust - 2011-12-18
that's kinda like saying "I got raped but at least he used lube"

joelkazoo - 2011-12-19
It pisses me off that so much time, money, and effort went into this pile of crap that could of been used to make 10 decent films.
Xenagama Warrior Princess - 2011-12-19
I'm glad Zemeckis lost his mocap studio after the torrential failure of Mars Needs Moms which to this very day I had no unearthly idea why my father went to go see that steaming pile,) but part of me wants to wonder what the trainwreck of his planned Yellow Submarine remake would have been like.

No amount of stars could break the awkwardness of this movie.
Spoonybard - 2011-12-31
If wikipedia can be trusted, Roger Ebert gave this movie 4/4
SteamPoweredKleenex - 2013-12-18
I find the witchcraft-infused tablecloths less odd than the ability of these men to tap-dance on carpet while serving choco-ejaculate.
cognitivedissonance - 2014-12-18
Bizzity, bizzity bump.
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