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Desc:oh god dammit
Category:Science & Technology, Horror
Tags:fat, pizza, fatty mcfatkins
Submitted:almo
Date:06/15/12
Views:3563
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Comment count is 55
sosage - 2012-06-15
I imagine this tastes like a piece of toast with ketchup and a slice of cheese on top.
Pope Caius - 2012-06-15
I'm thinking Lunchables pizza

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2012-06-15
I keep seeing different versions of these machines, along with the french fry vending machines. They seem to work for the first day or so, but when it's time to clean them out, it's disgusting, difficult, and unsanitary if left unmaintained for too long.

I mean, humanity never even really got the coffee and soup vending machines to work all that well. And at least with those, you got one of those poker-deck cups.
Randroid - 2012-06-16
In the kitchen the pizza machine gave a hissing sigh and ejected from its warm interior one piece of perfectly round pizza, a pizza slicer and and one hermetically sealed bag of oregano.

"Today is August 4, 2026," said a voice from the pizza machine, "in the city of Allendale, California." It repeated the date three times for memory's sake. "Today is Mr. Holloway's birthday. Today commemorates the passing of Edward Muscare. Insurance is payable, as are water, electricity, MMO and light bills in the current BitCoin exchange rate."

MC Scared of Bees - 2012-06-19
I was going to give the video 5 stars anyway, but here you go, Randroid.

RocketBlender - 2012-06-15
I love how they keep saying 'untouched by human hands' like that's a good thing somehow.

Also, is that provolone? It sure as fuck isn't mozzarella. What the fuck?
cognitivedissonance - 2012-06-15
If you want Italian food, but aren't comfortable with their greasy, Papist mitts all over it.

MongoMcMichael - 2012-06-15
And if you have a spare three minutes to wait around a vending machine.

Simillion - 2012-06-16
NOT A SINGLE FILTHY HUMAN HAND HAS DISGRACED THIS PIZZA

NOT ONCE

WE GUARANTEE IT.

Killer Joe - 2013-06-15
"Here's your pizza. The doctors did everything they could. I'm... I'm sorry."

Cena_mark - 2012-06-15
America did not invent this!
Black Napkins - 2012-06-15
Huh. Oregon-o.
Meerkat - 2012-06-15
One of the lesser known of the Thundercats was Oregon-O, whose cat persona was a puma. Oregon-O was originally called Sir Pete Oregon-O but was referred to as Pete-Sir by the others.

Unfortunately he was cut up into eight Pete-ses and eaten by Skeletor in the "Oh fuck it falls right out the bottom of my jaw" episode.

MrBuddy - 2012-06-15
It's understandable really. He was always trying to go everywhere by riding his tall bike. His theme music was from a garage band no one had ever heard of. Kids thought he was a bad guy because they didn't understand his handlebar mustache was supposed to be ironic. Parents didn't like the fact he drank Pabst Blue Ribon.

glasseye - 2012-06-16
That is not how you pronounce Oregon.

Ur-uh-gone != Ore-eh-gun

snothouse - 2012-06-15
Did they wake this woman up five minutes before shooting?
Ghoul - 2012-06-15
She's coming off a week long bender.

freedoom - 2012-06-15
Doesn't pizza dough need time to proof? and also contain more than two ingredients?
TeenerTot - 2012-06-15
As an ugly American who eats a lot of junk food, this turned my stomach.

Boggled.
Oscar Wildcat - 2012-06-15
It's a Ulillillia feeding station.
ItsAboutTime - 2012-06-15
Since napkins are provided.

P.s.: We have one of these in our train station. Never saw anyone use it though...

Blue - 2012-06-15
I wanna try it. I'm in Denver, would I be able to find one of these here or would I have to travel internationally to sample one of these pizzas?
THA SUGAH RAIN - 2012-06-15
You saw the instructions, man. You've got flour, water, ketchup, and suspicious cheese slices laying around, don't you?

StanleyPain - 2012-06-15
It probably wouldn't be awful pizza, but it would most certainly be extremely mediocre. Probably about the same quality as a frozen pizza from the supermarket.
TeenerTot - 2012-06-15
I'd bet even worse. Even frozen pizza uses yeasted dough.

Potrod - 2012-06-15
Why poetv deems this more gross than typical cafeteria pizza--a frozen disc of dough with low quality cheese and sauce conveyor belted through a convection oven for 5 minutes--is a mystery. The ingredients list is fairly innocuous, the cheese is real, the sauce has 2 ingredients. It doesn't even look bad. But no, I guess we should ignore the existence of frozen pizzas, Domino's, and pizza bagels and wretch at this.
sosage - 2012-06-15
I think we found the inventor of the Let's Pizza...

StanleyPain - 2012-06-15
I seriously never understood the constant ragging on Domino's PIzza. Or, more accurately, I don't get why Domino's is always the "worst pizza" punchline rather than, say, Pizza Hut, or for the love of god, Little Caesars. All of Domino's ingredients are fresh, and they get daily allotments of supplies, many of their locations even make their own dough every day. They do not overstock for busy periods, but rather schedule more supply deliveries.
Pizza Hut, on the other hand, uses frozen dough that is sometimes more than 6 or 7 days old. Every night they have to throw away hundreds of pounds worth of dough because they overstock everything in massive walk-in freezers. DOmino's is superior quality to virtually everything Pizza Hut makes and most chain places. And, I'm sorry, but Domino's doesn't deserve to be the awful food punchline in ANY joke ever while Little Caesars still exists. I mean seriously...

Potrod - 2012-06-15
Little Caesar's is definitely way worse than Domino's and I probably should have said that instead, but it's also not as common, so I guess that's why Domino's gets to be the punchline. I brought it up here mostly because this thing is healthier than any of those chains.

Knaaks - 2012-06-15
I haven't had pizza hut in years, but there is a Domino's in my parking lot at work, so we eat it every now and then, and I gotta say, since they did the overhaul of their pizzas, it's pretty decent. 12 bucks feeds 4 of us at work too, and since I always end up paying, I like that a lot too.

heyitslozeau - 2012-06-15
Yeah, I agree Potrod. This really doesnt seem that gross. Never frozen? It probably tastes better.

cognitivedissonance - 2012-06-15
Domino's does an alright vegetarian.

memedumpster - 2012-06-15
You people have completely lost your minds.

CIWB - 2012-06-15
Domino's deserves every bit of hate they get and more. Their pizza was bland and awful before they changed the recipe, and just as bad after. They just took their old recipe and dunked the crust in a gallon of garlic butter. They can make their awful dough fresh everyday, but it's still awful dough. I'd rather have frozen stuff that isn't terrible.

Little Caesar's is bad, too, but it at least has the virtue of being very cheap. Domino's doesn't have that.

sosage - 2012-06-15
LC has the obvious advantage of being one of the cheapest pizzas around (at least these parts). When you go to LC, you don't go because you want "good" pizza. You go because it is fast and you only have 8 bucks in your pocket and you'd like to have change to buy a 40 from the liquor store next door.

If my budget calls for a chain pizza in the Domino's price range and I don't have the time to throw my money at a "good" pizza place...fuck...I'd at least hit Round Table or Mountain Mike's before. I'd definitely not be getting it from a gawd damned coin operated robot sitting on gawd knows what street corner.

Koda Maja - 2012-06-16
You guys don't know how lucky you are. The major Canadian pizza franchises (Pizza Pizza, Pizza Nova) make Domino's look like homemade, traditional Italian cuisine.

Hooker - 2012-06-16
Of course, by "major Canadian pizza franchises" means places that exist in Ontario.

SteamPoweredKleenex - 2012-06-16
A lot of hate directed at Domino's is a hold-over from its (former?) owner being a rabid pro-lifer.

But even at its best, it's not great pizza. I've found I prefer local pizzeria fare to most (if not all) of the major chains. I get my cheap pizza fix from buying mid-range frozen pizza on sale at the grocery store, then adding more toppings & cheese.

Koda Maja - 2012-06-16
Maybe Pizza Nova, Hooker, but I've definitely seen Pizza Pizza's in Quebec and Nova Scotia, and they're all just as terrible.

Knaaks - 2012-06-15
Guys. This is the pizza that Blade Runner would eat.
Nikon - 2012-06-15
I want to try one.

The Mothership - 2012-06-16
this is the truth.

Kabbage - 2012-06-15
There'd be a heavyset dude with vomit crusted on his shirt passed out in front of one of these machines every morning. Not one of them would successfully stay conscious throughout the entire process.

They should play like Ninja Warrior on a little screen to keep them awake until the pizza is done, or at least a little robotic arm to shove the piled bodies 15 feet into the gutter.
THA SUGAH RAIN - 2012-06-15
I say we franchise these bitches on every college campus in america. Dorms, frat houses, local bars, a few in the library.

Riskbreaker - 2012-06-15
Every time you use the machine, the pizza kids song should be playing.
joelkazoo - 2012-06-15
Damn you, risk! Thanks for making me Google that and getting it stuck in my head!

...did you know pizza is not mentioned once in that song?

big pincers - 2012-06-16
for you, Riskbreaker

Hooker - 2012-06-15
That poor, burnt-out call girl. The sad, supposed-to-be-flirty wink at the end took every ounce of strength she had left.
duck&cover - 2012-06-15
"Do you come with the pizza?"
"Oh you, hee, hee, hee!"

Hegemony Cricket - 2012-06-15
"Now put the pizza in your mouth."

"My top mouth, yes?"

"..."

dairyqueenlatifah - 2012-06-15
I could have swore this was a dupe.
duck&cover - 2012-06-15
I'm holding out for Let's Risotto.
big pincers - 2012-06-16
how about Let's Casu Marzu?

Koda Maja - 2012-06-16
"Let's Pizza, what do you think about?"
"I think about anything. Flour...Water...Tomatoes..."
Redford - 2012-06-16
The only reason I knew this existed is because they actually did an episode of How It's Made for how these machines are made.
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