Nobody's seen yadda yadda yadda
John Holmes Motherfucker
I'm right here, and I've been around. In the last seven days, I submitted five videos that were accepted, including a few devoted to Leonard Nimoy, or Star Trek. But lately, a majority of the topics don't interest me. I still don't know who Nick Bravo is.
There were some choice Nick Bravo videos, but I also didn't have the patience to watch him drone on and on in video after video. Good you're still around, I also haven't been around as much as of lately.
Jet Bin Fever
If Nick Bravo was a young girl, JHM would know everything about her and send messages to her.
|infinite zest |
Just like a tinder date: swipe to the right and it'll be over in a few seconds.
Okay honestly, had anyone other than alternate reality Portland IZ had anything come of Tinder?
My experience: If I get a girl's number in person, it'll end up in a date half the time, and half of those will lead to something that lasts at least a couple of months.
Okcupid? 1 out of 4 messages will lead to a date, half will flake before the date, 1 out of 6 first dates will lead to a second, and maybe one fourth of those will last more than a month.
Tinder I tried for two months and got a couple dozen of matches. Maybe 4 messaged back, and only 1 led to agreeing on a date...up until this winning exchange:
Her: It's from One Thousand and One Nights (re: her name being Scheherazade).
Me: Oh, the narrator from Arabian Nights.
Her: IT'S NOT ARABIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(silence for 3 days)
Me: (Location) is halfway between us (2 miles). Let's meet up there.
Her: I don't think I'll be going out far, but if u came down here we could maybe get a coffee and sit down 2 talk.
(The city had just had a horrendous blizzard. I wasn't going to on an 8 city miles round trip through the snow for an internet date.)
Me: Let's split the difference and meet at (halfway point).
Her: No only way it's going 2 happen is if nearby 2 me.
Me: I have to do all the snow trudging then?
Her: EXCUSE ME first off you have a car and I do not (I never mentioned anything about a car). Second it is not the gentlemen's place to ask that kind of thing! Third lots can happen 2 me I have fragile bones and can slip and fall!
Me: ...this isn't going to work.
Actually her reply was more "Second it is not the gentlemen's place to ask that kind of thing and should be happy to go wherever it takes to get to the lady!"
My last one was just weird. I was about to quit Tinder because I was getting all these titpics (yeah, girls do it too apparently) with the same macro: "Hey I'm really horny and looking to have sex with a stranger, but my phone's about to die so let's meet on (website).." etc. Anyway, I got a message from somebody who had also lived in Milwaukee Wisconsin and we had a bunch of mutual friends via facebook. We must've talked for a whole week about what our friends were up to and everything, how she was getting accumulated to Portland, the new job, everything.. I don't have a car of my own so I'm sort of relieved of driving anywhere.. I prefer bars to coffee shops personally just because.. I dunno. You can actually TALK. It might be different in different parts of the country, but out here they feel like a library. Plus you can just get a coffee at the bar if you don't drink, or are driving.. etc. and it's usually not Foldgers. Anyway, she rented a zipcar and everything to meet me and we super hit it off. Nothing fancy, just the usual shooting of the shit. But 6:30-ish all of a sudden became 11:30. I walked her back to her zipcar not expecting anything (sex on the first date leads to nothing more than sex on the first date, for me anyway and frankly I wanted a relationship) and we kissed and said our goodbyes. I just went back to the bar and then she tinder messaged me her phone number, telling me it was "great to meet me" etc. I said "you too! Let's do it again sometime!" and waited until the next day, did all the normal stuff. Wished her a happy "real" birthday (we met a few days before her b-day) and nothing. I hope she knows that the early birthday mix CD I made for her was actually just copied from a mix CD I made for another girl I broke up with, but I wish I could get the wrapping paper back.
My last OKC date was more of a relationship, but it was weird. We slept together instantly and it was kinda awesome. My housemates were out of town, and we all sort of have that worked out. Anyway we woke up and I offered her coffee breakfast etc. and she said she was ok, should get going to work.. and it was cool. So I texted about 24 hours later just saying "hey" and it's like "hi" and it went on like that for a couple of weeks: "any plans for tonight" etc. and we met up again and went back to her house and slept together there. Same fucking thing: I HAD to get to work, and because my choir was doing a recital that day, I didn't necessarily have a set schedule, but she offered me food and I ate what I could, drank her tea, you know, the things that polite people do. And then I really had to get the fuck outta there and back home to change. Also, her and her two housemates were running really low on toilet paper and I needed to shit. That's about as awkward a situation as I can imagine: me sitting on the pot waiting for someone to go to the store to get more. Anyway I split and next time we met she said that she just wanted to be friends now, which means probably never talk again.. :(
I dunno.. I use those sites because my job's pretty reclusive. People recommend pay sites like Zoosk and POF but fuck paying; it's cheaper to just go out and strike up a conversation with a stranger at the bar/coffee shop etc.
The worst though was an OKC connection with a girl who I had to talk down from taking her own life. I never even met her, we just talked for 4 hours on the phone.
Ah yes, the majority of Tinder girls being bots to boost site traffic.
Pffff, it doesn't count if you go into the thing with mutual friends!
Yeah internet dating is pretty bullshit. The convenience is far outweighed by the 1000% higher rate of duds and chaff you have to sift through. You're better off making changes to your life to get out and meet more people in person.
Hell let's continue the ongoing worst Okcupid date stories.
Purity of Essence
Met at a bar for trivia night. First she announced she was vegetarian (not really a red flag on its own, but for one reason or another it's never worked out with one). Next, she just orders water the whole night. Finally, she takes out a bottle of hand sanitizer and keeps it out on the table to use every half hour. "I'm a total germaphobe can you tell?"
and when she came up with a trivia answer and I told her to write it down, "Oh no if I touched that pen I'd be emptying this whole (sanitizer) bottle on it."
Jet Bin Fever
It's weird how people still think that hand sanitizer works on inanimate objects.
Remind me to delete my browsing history from the fossil record.
IT HAS TWO DICKS!!! I could bone two lady fishes at the same time!
Cosmo sex articles actually had relevance back then.
The oldest genitals, Adam's, was no different than me, although we can presume he wasn't circumcised and substantially hairier.
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