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Desc:CWC and a dying gay pornstar have a Youtube sex-off. Winner gets to impregnate a lesbian couple.
Category:Accidents & Explosions, Arts
Tags:sex, Lesbians, acrobatics, chrischan, blowup doll
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Comment count is 53
Scrimmjob - 2016-05-31
Sweet fucking jesus, that preload image.
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
Sweet fucking Jesus. That preload image.

Old_Zircon - 2016-05-31
What they said.

Oscar Wildcat - 2016-05-31
Your Jesus cannot help you now....

Maggot Brain - 2016-06-01
It's too perfect, it makes me want to cry.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
I am going to watch this. I am going to watch this. God almighty, I am going to watch this.

Someone hold my hand.
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
oh god there's an ad for Amy Schumer right next to this AS IF I WASN'T PERTURBED ENOUGH

Scrimmjob - 2016-05-31
God and the bear at the Regency Square Mall,
grant me the serenity to press play.
The courage to watch this video.
and the eye bleach to unsee it afterwards.

Cena_mark - 2016-05-31
I find the Sonic totem in the left corner to be even more disturbing. I've seen pictures of it, but never with any context to size. It's huge.

The lesbian couple Chris is trying woo are Sam and Ella.

EvilHomer - 2016-05-31
I'm surprised the CWCki still doesn't have a page dedicated to the Totem.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
I like to believe that totem was originally a monster from one of those Creepypastas about haunted game cartridges. When it realized it had to haunt Chris-Chan, it tried to flee back into Hell, but couldn't because Chris accidentally destroyed the cartridge filming a sex tape.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
0:29 I think he drew a labia on his underwear and is holding aloft the same comedy sex doll from years ago the way Apocalypse strangled Jennifer Laurence in the X-Men trailer while yelling, in a gameshow announcer's voice, AND NOW THE FOREPLAY

0:35 So we're like half a minute in and I'm questioning all of my lofe decisions on a deeply existential level. Like, I'm training my eyes on objects around the room because this is the grossest thing ever, and my mind is going in a few different directions:

1) Ewww gross

2) Morbid curiosity at what sex with Christian Weston Chandler would be like (hilarious, gross, Farrellyesque)

3) Why am I watching this

4) Ironic detachment

5) About 5,000 other things.

0:56-1:10 I love how methodically he explains his understanding of basic female anatomy. "So, ahhh, this is where your, ehhhhh.....your pussy goes, and this is your vagina. Some people also like anal sex, so here is an example of a rimjob:. It is good to bleach your asshole before letting Chris-Chan, TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu and Rosechu the electric hedgehog pokemon, lick your butthole."

1:11 Actually, wait, wasn't this whole confusing sex tape wankoff contest thing supposed to be an example of how fantastic he is in bed and not a stilted list of parts on the human body?

2:40 oh nevermind, he's violently jamming a vibrator in Officer Nasty's orifice and yanking it around like an Amish butter churner. One thing I love about Chris-Chan and sex is how massive he thinks vaginas are. In CWCVille, women are just wandering around bow-legged because they've got a whole military-grade tent between their legs that can house half of Genghis Khan's murder patrol.

4:00 Okay, now I'm totally lost. Is he fucking this blowup doll as a Male Lesbian Impregnatron, as a Regular Lesbian, as a heterosexual male pretending he has a vagina sexually pleasuring an actual lesbian, or what? I sincerely have no clue as to what combination of genitals and identities are flying around here.



4:33 why am I watching this

4:34 why am I enjoying it

4:36 OH GOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes Chris. I am feeling this. now make her spin her butt on your stomach like a dradil as you make helicopter sounds, for that is the essence of lovemaking.

5:00 "I believe that was the basics of sex: Point at vagina, rimjob, pile driver, helicopter assault, a capella gameshow theme songs, point at penis yelling STILL PRODUCES, demand baby."

Holy Christ, Chris. This is just....what are you? What beast of laughter are you?
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
I loved and hated every second of this horrible fucking video.

EvilHomer - 2016-05-31
Courtesy of the Kiwis:


Redford - 2016-05-31
Supposedly this video was done in "honor" of a lesbian couple who are trying to raise a baby.

EvilHomer - 2016-05-31
It was done to impregnate said lesbian couple. They were looking for a donor, Chris offered to fuck them, "Johan the Bully" - a dying gay porn star turned Chris-troll - showed up in their chat to insist that HE was better at sex than Chris will ever be. A formal challenge was issued, and this was the result.

It's basically the Parappa contest, with an extra ten years of madness on top. Whoever can showcase the best sex moves, gets to fuck two lesbians!

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
Goddammit, EH. Now I'm just gonna stare at that until I die.

EvilHomer - 2016-06-01
Also this:


Oscar Wildcat - 2016-05-31
This may be like prosecuting a murderer in a war zone, but Chrischan just took a dildo and put it up this wire monkey girl's ass, then into her vagina. That's ...not right.

I'm going to go put my head in the oven now. Thanks a lot, EH. This is all your fault.
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
You know Chris-Chan has spent three decades learning about sex through porn and sex ed textbooks, and at no point do either directly address the fact that you don't just sprint up to a girl and jam things in her ass like a Civil War infantryman seizing an enemy windmill.

Cena_mark - 2016-05-31
Be sure to vote for Christine, she's losing.
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
Yeah, but Chris deserves to lose this one. He promised Acrobatic Sexual Prowess, and all we got instead was a boring, vanilla "Yell explanations about vagina--->rimjob--->piledriver--->game show host--->STILL PRODUCES--->demand baby" progression. That is not nearly Acrobatic enough.

Cena_mark - 2016-05-31
What about the spinning maneuver he pulled off at 4:30? On top of that, his performance was far superior to that of Johan the Bully.

EvilHomer - 2016-05-31
Yeah, I voted for Christine, too. Johan the Bully's video wasn't very good.


"Don't Be a Ween! Vote For Christine!"

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
Having a girl spin her butt on your stomach while making helicopter noises is like the first move they teach you in Sex Ed. Plus it doesn't count as Acrobatic--which Chris CLEARLY promised us--if the girl is doing all the spinning and PBTPBTPBTPBT sounds.

Cena_mark - 2016-05-31
Even so, it's far better than Johan's video. Johan just fucks it standing up. No variation or anything. He concludes with a brief titty fuck and finishes on the doll's face. Christine is down 18% because of weens like you.

EvilHomer - 2016-05-31
We should also add that Johan has some horrible STDs. If you vote for Johan, he will transmit his diseases to the poor lesbian couple.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
Johan is HIV positive, which makes it even funnier. These two lesbians are going to willingly give themselves AIDS because Chris made the Plan 9 of sex tapes.

cognitivedissonance - 2016-06-01
Brilliant trolling that combines Chris' imaginary sexual godliness with his obsessive love of contests. When he loses he'll challenge the winner to Donkey Konga battle or something equally meaningless requiring an expensive game peripheral.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
Whoops, sorry, left out "twirl around like helicopter while narrating sex". Still pretty milquetoast.
SJWFeels - 2016-05-31
What happen ?
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-05-31
it's called sex, bruh. cool people do it all the time

Chancho - 2016-05-31
I haven't watched a CWC video in a long time. I felt it was kind of like kicking a retard.

But, based on preload image...I may have to watch this. I may not be able to look away.

Five stars regardless.
StanleyPain - 2016-05-31
You know, I thought this era of Chris Chan was long over with. But holy shit.

Holy holy shit.

Holy shit.
DavidBowiesLuckyTennisBall - 2016-05-31
For the preload image.

No, I didn't watch it.

Does that make me a weak man?

Does it go against the values of PoeTV? The spirit of unconquerable, unquenchable curiousity that compels us as a unit to boldly explore the regions of electronic space that others could not even comprehend?

I dunno guys...

*looks back at preload image*

...I don't know if anything makes sense anymore..
Cena_mark - 2016-05-31
IggyPopsUnluckyHockeyPuck, just watch the damn thing. He doesn't show his duck.

Oscar Wildcat - 2016-05-31
These clips are what separate the ... ahem... men from the boys.


TeenerTot - 2016-06-01
You said unit.

dairyqueenlatifah - 2016-05-31
Chris intentionally uploaded this publicly to Youtube.

You tried to stop this Rocky, you really tried.
Cena_mark - 2016-05-31
This is the most baffling aspect of this. It seemed he'd grown wise to trolling, but here we go again.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-06-01
these are two lesbians impressed with chris' sexual prowess but are debating between having "natural" penetrative heterosexual intercourse with Christian Weston Chandler and fucking a gay porn star with AIDS.

to prove his Acrobatic Sexual Prowess to the lesbians, who, let me reiterate, are only having sex with a man for the sperm but are inexplicably unwilling to simply get it through a non-Christian Weston Chandler for some no doubt plausible reason, he incorporates the following:

1) Telling them where their vaginas are located
2) Surprise rimjobs
3) Helicopter assaults
4) The piledriver
5) Slapping his testicles and yelling STILL PRODUCES
6) Demanding a baby

And they are seriously considering just fucking a gay man with AIDS instead.

Sounds about right.

jerrysp702 - 2016-06-01
It still dispenses.
cognitivedissonance - 2016-06-01
- why is the Christmas tree still up? Why are there weird geometric shapes on it?

- the eerie sonic piΓ±ata totem looks like the Doughboys in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

- why is he wearing granny panties?

- he takes the dildo out of the doll's ass and puts it in the vagina. 😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦😦🠘¦

- the Sunset Boulevard head wrap thing

- that he thinks pile driver is the #1 sexual position is bizarre.

- that he makes helicopter noises is more bizarre.

- this is performance art. This cannot be anything else.

- Jesus, the chirping noises.

- he demands the "lesbian couple" who are going to father his child bleach both their anuses. Because he thinks both would need to have sex with him. And Analingus is part of the process.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-06-01
I've heen joking about this a lot, mostly because it's the most hioarious thijg ever, but Chris' logic is pretty straightforward if you consider his "education": Porn, isolation, and unending sex ed classes.

Unless you watch a lot of highbrow indie arthouse films, your only realistic exposure to sex comes from actually having it. There's so many subtleties you never see in TV, movies, or middle school. He's so technical, pedagogic, and scattershot you can tell he just watched a lot of TV and pieced together vague, disjointed concepts that seemed erotic to him.

Remember when Megan confronted him about his Gitmo drawing of him fingering her? Her reaction was very understandable shock and horror, while Christ basically said "No, look, it's not weird. See, this is called "fingerbanging", and is a part of "outercourse" (as opposed to intercourse). I am rubbing your clitoris here, see?" Sane principle. He just regurgitates sex ed lectures mixed with porn and Bible counseling.

cognitivedissonance - 2016-06-01
The whole is more overwhelming than the sum of it's parts. Any individual piece of this scene is scary enough, but put together you have the term "evidence dungeon" to apply.

Scrimmjob - 2016-06-01
In answer to your question about granny panties. they are likely either his mom's, or he bought them because they are the style his mom wears.


wtf japan - 2016-06-01
Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-06-01
I'm just picturing Christ commiting suicide ala William H. Macy in Boogie Nights. His last words are "I'm outskis."

Old_Zircon - 2016-06-01
Chris-chan perfectly encapsulates why I rooted for Kristofferson in Netforce.

Which is a ham-handed way of segueing in to a plug for movie night, since the switch to IRC has let to a small decline in attendance (but was totally worth it).

But it's also an excuse to let people know that I'll have Netforce streaming on a permanent loop until next Thursday:


https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/poetv-monday-night-mov ies
Old_Zircon - 2016-06-01
#PoeTV on freenode IRC.

Old_Zircon - 2016-06-01
Netforce started streaming on June 1 at almost exactly 5:36 PM EST and is 2:33:44 long, so if you want to actually watch it from the beginning you can do the math and figure out the next time it's going to loop back to the beginning.

Sexy Duck Cop - 2016-06-03
EvilHomer - 2016-06-03
Don't worry! There's a ton of mirrors.

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