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Desc:Get it before the cult lawyers do.
Category:Religious
Tags:Scientology, cult, white people, religious mafia
Submitted:manfred
Date:06/14/07
Views:7576
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Comment count is 41
Aelric - 2007-06-15
grrrrr. fucking grrrrr. this really busts my balls. the pithy answers, the "future of mankind" that happens to cost you your whole estate, the internal justice system. GRRRRRRR!!!!!

also, if there was ever a video that deserved the "White People" tag
manfred - 2007-06-15
Yes, I particularly enjoyed the black baptist minister explaining how LRH tech is "powerful stuff".

coprolalia - 2007-06-15
The tone gets a bit threatening near the end doesn't it?
gmol - 2007-06-15
"You can jump of a bridge, or blow your brains out. It's your choice."

Dib - 2007-06-15
_This_ is the tripe that brings in millions of people? I've read Dianetics and subsequently never had much respect for Scientologists, but just how fucking stupid do you have to be to watch this video and say "Yep this is the 'religion' for me!"
Rodents of Unusual Size - 2007-06-15
Pretty stupid, but more desperate to belong and be right/superior so all the people that beat them up in high school can pay pay PAY their way to freedom!

Dib - 2007-06-15
What I want to see next is some secret camera footage of what goes on aboard that luxury cruiseship. If Hubbard's life is any indication, those high ranking members are all pedophiles and who knows what else when outside observation from legal jurisdiction. Catching some of the top bastards friggin' some kid while hopped up on PCP would be some great exposure for the church.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2007-06-15
It's like they're talking about someone important. Amazing. Cause no one else has ever written a bunch of crap pulp fiction that no one with half a mind would ever reprint. You can practically hear the British guy sucking LRon's cock from beyond the grave. I wish these people would piss off some terrorists.
Dib - 2007-06-15
There's a snowball effect, just out of curiosity I was browsing his wikipedia page and it notes that Guinness records him as "the world's most published and most translated author, having published 1,084 fiction and non-fiction works that have been translated into 71 languages."

So while nothing in his entire creative career is particularly _good_, it's still widely received and I imagine the books sold in the Scientology shops do bring in quite a bit of revenue. Nobody else needs to reprint them considering that the church has more than adequate funds to publish these books, and they do own numerous companies to do just that.

Rodents of Unusual Size - 2007-06-15
Also I love the glaring omissions about the IRS's opinion of their "professional organization" God I don't think I have this level of hatred for any other group of people. Also, cameos by Isaac and Kirstie at 28:00.
kingarthur - 2007-06-15
I believe the black preacher is Michael D. Roberts of "Ice Pirates" fame. He was also Rooster on Beretta.
gmol - 2016-05-22
kingarthur,
this is the first place I can see that we commented on the same video.

You seem like nice guy.

Billings - 2007-06-15
That is intensely creepy. It's just one video, but I bet it's pretty hard to be exposed to that kind of material for a while without it getting to you.
eatenmyeyes - 2007-06-15
SHIVERING AGONIZED DARKNESS
Aelric - 2007-06-15
i think i'll choose to be stupid, jump off a bridge and blow my brains out at the same goddamn time. GRRR. i mean, acting quality alone is enough to hate this shit. i've seen better acting in billy grahm movies, and the xenuites got a bigger budget to blow. christ, you got travolta, people, at least make the bitch dance. GRRRRRR i can't control this rage!!! GRRRRR!!!! i've had christian, buddist, islamic, wiccian, and jewish exposure throughout my life, and while i figure no religion is for me, i feel that if it works for you, it's none of my business, but the veiled threats, the use of celebrities, the money sucking. GRRRRR!!! i haven't been this mad since i saw that ramtha garbage what the bleep do we know!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
GQ - 2007-06-15
Would I be wrong in thinking this seems like the Scientology Triumph of the Will?
manfred - 2007-06-15
Nah. That would be Battlefield Earth

Merzbau - 2007-06-15
"We have done this film to help you understand what Scientology is, and to assist you to get around to avail yourself of it, and answer your questions."

AARGH, THE PROSE, IT HURTS

It's like they're trying to emulate L.Ro's own semi-literate ramblings. I'm only two minutes into this, and already I can predict there will be ridiculous neologisms by the bucketful.
Merzbau - 2007-06-15
Thoughts:

1. Wow, CHEF (not Isaac Hayes, the other one) is fuh-LAMING. And is it just me or is it a little creepy how all the testimonials are from FIREFIGHTER and STUDENT and GRAPHIC DESIGNER? I know this is because all but like two of them are paid actors, but still, Christ, make up a fake name or something. It's fucking weird seeing John Travolta with the caption ACTOR.


2. "...in all the countless years of time"? "You will prove that you are a friend of yours"?! WHO FUCKING WRITES THIS

3. Agreed about the veiled threats at the end, holy shit.

4. "Scientology will show you how to SHOOT LASERS FROM YOUR EYES and POOP CANDY." Five minutes later: "We do not make any claims about Dianetics or Scientology."

futurebot - 2007-06-15
Close your eyes and the host is Troy McClure! At least until the end, when he takes on that sinister tone.

Also, I love how their way of claiming religious credibility is by appealing to government sanction. Congratulations, Scientology: you're in the same tax bracket as Heaven's Gate and the snake handlers.
dorje - 2007-06-15
"You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out. That is your choice." Come visit the Office of Ron instead!

1. Abbot Trithemius
2. Cornelius Agrippa
3. Dr. John Dee
4. Elias Ashmole
5. Freemasonry
6. Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn
7. Aleister Crowley
8. Ordo Templi Orientis
9. Jack Parsons
10. L. Ron Hubbard
11. Scientology
Merzbau - 2007-06-15
I love how towards the end, the doctrine he's spouting off is basically dumbed-down Crowley. Especially since this video seems targeted toward the churchgoing demographic (the denunciations of evolution and "materialism" early on, the segment with the chaplain and his big ol' stained-glass Scientology scross).

Stopheles - 2007-06-15
"You can also dive off a bridge or shoot your brains out...or we can make it LOOK like you did it after you write nasty things about us somewhere."

Also: wow, the attacks on psychology and psychiatry are amazing.

Alsoalso: "Watercolorist?" Shut the fuck up, painter.
sosage - 2007-06-15
Creepy. Was Scientology threatening to blow up the world in the last 5 minutes?
jhudsui - 2007-06-15
Sure am glad the internet is here to tell me Scientology is bad for me, otherwise I might have made some kind of horrible mistake.
C. Eloi Marx - 2007-06-15
I know it's a minor criticism but at the top of the video they said that their were orgs on all the continents; so I ask rhetorically, why are the clams trying to shyster penguins?

Also, for a video they went rather quickly from love-bombing to telling you that you're worthless without the "church's" help (you miscreant).
coprolalia - 2007-06-16
Celebrity recruitment. Just imagine what they could accomplish with GWAR as spokesmen!

Ersatz - 2007-06-15
The paranoiac anti-governmentalism is a bit troubling. Particularly when they trot out the government's ringing endorsements of them as a bona fide religion directly afterward.
Buy this book. Then you will have a friend.
If anything, it makes the Movementarian orientation film from the Simpsons ring particularly true.
Na-na-na-na-na-na L-Ron. L-Ron, L-Ron, Batman - er, L-Ron.
gmol - 2007-06-15
That black minister.....I swear he's a voice actor....doesn't he sound like the doctor on The Simpsons?
Enjoy - 2007-06-17
I tried to write a comment here about five times but erased it. I have nothing to say other than one million fists punching those folks in the face one million times would not be enough.
lustygoat - 2007-09-25
I had no idea how fundamentally depraved and predatory an informercial could be.

lustygoat - 2007-09-25
Why did my comment end up here?

(Not that I don't fully endorse Enjoy's sentiments.)

Namor - 2007-06-27
Courts have decided Scientology is a religion because we can afford lots of lawyers! This means it is true!

Bonus points for comparing L Ron to Buddha at the 6 minute mark. That's not offensive or presumptuous at all.
phalsebob - 2007-06-29
Did I hear that right? Did he just use a future pluperfect? I didn't even know that was possible.

Also... please give me like 3 or 4 testimonials, not 86. Cripes.
Lothar - 2007-09-05
Kudos to the very brave soul who secretly taped this. Is he still alive?
Black Napkins - 2007-09-08
I hope this film comes to my local theater soon. I will bring fried clams, as they are tasty.
j lzrd / swift idiot - 2007-09-08
Where are Loki and Bartleby when you really REALLY need them? That's right, they're at a bar. Which is what two minutes of watching this makes me wanna go to.
Mayberry Pancakes - 2007-11-30
I saw this on the big screen at the Scientology center in Boston; it was the scariest fucking experience of my entire life. I was too scared to laugh because I thought they were secretly watching us or something.

H E L L O
ashtar. - 2007-12-04
It is such a relief to know that if I 'believe' I have a problem with the Org, they have their own court system. Cause, you know, I'm sure they are more impartial and transparent that those 'real' courts.

I also like how they continually talk about how "WE ARE A REAL RELIGION" but they still charge through the nose for 'religious' services and books. I mean, can you imagine catholics charging for communion/confession? Or the Gideons charging for bibles?

So many amazing moments. A million star thetans!
Jeriko-1 - 2008-01-18
I like the apparantly Bob Liefield designed Hubbard Bust.

Rarrrr, Hubbard smash!
Quad9Damage - 2008-02-16
And the cult lawyers got it.
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