Every 5 years or so, I get dragged to Applebees. My idiot friends are all COME ON THEY HAVE CHANGED SINCE LAST TIME YOU WENT THEY HAVE SOME GOOD STUFF and I let them talk me in to it, and every time, I am so disappointed, mostly with myself for not having the willpower to say no. I also feel like I need some new friends.
Same with me and TGIF. On three consecutive visits:
-Super gay waiter goes round to all tables asking customers' opinions if he should ask out the (fat, middle aged) host.
-Ten minutes before someone finally notices we sat down and they'll be right with us. Ten minutes after that, finding out that person's shift just ended. Five minutes later we finally get to place our order.
-Waitress takes order. Twenty-five minutes later the salads haven't even showed up. She comes back and tells us she had a brain fart and what was our order again? Not only had she forgotten, she forgot that she forgot!
Finally I just stuck to vetoing the place, but for some reason everyone - including the people who had lived through the above horror stories - kept trying to drag me back.
Now the same thing is happening with Not Your Average Joes, a chain that tries to be a hipper more upscale TGIF and it obsessed with dumping bacon and blue cheese on EVERYTHING.
Well, what do you know, i also knew a gay guy that worked at an applebee's. He always insited in hook me up with the ugliest waitress available.
|John Holmes Motherfucker |
I've been to Applebee's twice, and both times I ordered ribs. I ate the ribs, and they were digested into nutrients and waste materials. In short, there were no surprises.
The secondary ad really is all of us thirty and forty something old grumps, I have to admit.
|The Head of John the Baptist |
I went to Applebee's once with my girlfriend and we both had explosive diarrhea for about two days afterwards. Thanks for the memories, ONN!
I'll bet if they actually did this shit they'd get so much more business. (Also, I hate to admit this but that's part of the recovery. I eat there ironically. I get a fucking cosmopolitan and some grilled shit and I laugh the whole time at everyone around me. I'm sorry.)
I have relented to go into Applebees for beer and appetizers but it's always a case of getting handed a greasy over-sized menu of phony pictures that ends in pure disappointment of the actual meal like some old Sesame Street skit.
APPLEBEES, AMERICA'S FAVORITE EATERY, MAY NOT BE FABULOUS, BUT ONE FIFTY-DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO APPLEBEES, AMERICA'S FAVORITE EATERY, IS.
I'm not ashamed to admit I would probably enjoy the Chicken Strip Explosion unironically.
Since we're all sharing Applebee's stories, I guess I can share mine:
My grandma used to love going to Applebee's with the rest of the family, so I would usually go there a few times a year. All of the food tasted exactly like every other chain restaurant's food. Now my grandma is dead.
thats cause they all order from sysco, and everything comes in a bag
Alas I have no Applebees stories, really. I have eaten there a handful of times and never really had any issues, apart from the wait staff occasionally being way too over-eager to look as if they're having the time of their lives while stifling their hate. I try not to encourage that in people who wait on me. If you had a shitty day, just tell me and we'll get along fine.
Had a long assignment in Asheville. Though Asheville has much better restaurants, the Applebees was right across the street from the hotel. I drank margaritas until my eyes fell out, and they never stopped serving me. Getting to know the wacko regulars was fun.
I had to go to a small Texas town for an entire month for work. They hadn't sprung to get me a rental car, the nearest grocery store was 10 miles away, and the only real restaurant was a Dennys.
My god they have such a limited menu of blah.
Imagine eating nothing but Dennys.
FOR A MONTH
There is no way you could have survived that. You must be a ghost.
That is way, way suckier than any consulting goatfuck I've been dragooned into. Wait. Maybe Dunn, North Carolina? Hmm. No, not even that.
An upside to finding out I had horrible food allergies was never having to go to shit places like Applebee's again.
I've only had one bad experience at Applebee's, in Morgantown, WV, where they were piling all the dirty dishes on tables right next to you instead of taking them back to the kitchen, where we got cold coffee, with milk for cream, and got told the coffee was cold because they broke all but one coffee pot, where it took an hour to get our food, also cold, and another hour to get the check after we asked for it, and where we couldn't get out because people were pouring in faster than they could seat them even though there were 20 empty tables in the place.
Aside of that, I actually like Applebee's, unironically, but this is spot on and made me laugh.
You're Cleveland area, right? Check out a Winking Lizard some time. I've never gotten a bad meal from there, in the 20+ years I've been frequenting them.
There's one of those like five minutes away from me! Never went there though. I'll have to check it out.
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