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Desc:In which Kirk Cameron resists Onan in the form of a popup.
Category:Classic Movies, Religious
Tags:Kirk Cameron, christians, fireproof, internet porn
Submitted:baleen
Date:10/04/13
Views:2147
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Comment count is 32
exy
I feel so bad he felt all that popup-anguish: dude, even if you clicked that link you ain't gonna see shit. Christians don't know what GIS is for.

+one million stars for killing the messenger.
Sexy Duck Cop
Me, at age 13: Ugh, another redirect? Okay, this one is DEFINITELY going to lead to nude photos of Chelsea Clinton. DAMMIT FOILED AGAIN

EvilHomer
She looks a little old for a porn ad.
Sanest Man Alive
I want to pin Kirk Cameron down and jerk a big heathen load right in his face now; not even as a sex thing, but simply as an act of spite for his being such a horrible shit golem.
Sanest Man Alive
Although, I guess turning a simple, victimless act of pleasure into one of anger and violence would put me squarely on this asshole's level.

themilkshark
No, replying to yourself put you on his level.

MagickPoultry
Why can't I, through all the tears, stop masturbating to Fireproof?
Toenails
Because they are tears of laughter.

Spaceman Africa
I really wanted Geto Boys to start playing at the end there.
Scrotum H. Vainglorious
Nice CRT monitor.
Baldr
Why does upgrading to a flat screen have to be so hard?

Caminante Nocturno
"Why is this so hard?"

Because you're thinking about porn, you idiot.
Oscar Wildcat
...it may be the first time he's _had_ a boner.

Rodents of Unusual Size
He had one on Growing Pains! Ohhhh!

But no seriously, fuck Kirk Cameron. With a big dildo.

gravelstudios
What they don't show is how 15 minutes later he makes a frantic drive to Best Buy to get a new monitor, all so he can spend 2 hours looking for that exact same popup to click on it, then just gets a virus that erases his hard drive.
Kabbage
God why did you give us dicks whyyy
StanleyPain
There's like one or two scenes in this movie where he shares this incredibly bland kiss with his wife and apparently they had to bring Cameron's real wife to stand in for the actress because of what a horrible hellish thing it would be to share a lame, fake kiss with a stranger.
themilkshark
They make teenagers in private school watch this.

,000 a year to watch Kirk Cameron fight beatin' it.

Rodents of Unusual Size
Cyber Seduction II: Holy Beatings

Architeuthis Tux
Dude, Cameron had to work really, really hard to be able to kiss his wife without vomiting. There's no way he's gonna put in all that work just to be able to touch a different woman for a MOVIE.

Hooker
Notice that he's looking up boats before the popup appears. He is constantly looking at boats on the Internet. Internet boats _is_ his porn surrogate in the movie. His marriage falls apart (no, seriously) because he's always looking up boats.

My favourite part of the movie is when he's getting advice from his dad on marriage, and his dad says, "I always loved your mother, even when she didn't deserve it." It's not a load-bearing line. It's just put in there as part of the natural progression of the dialogue; of course someone would say that. To my ears, as a lifelong atheist and the child of two atheists, whose only reason to stay married is love of one another, it would be baffling to hear my dad say that. I would get really angry with him if he did, but he never would.

I'm sometimes envious of Christians' sense of community and purpose, but if it meant tying yourself to such crushing customs like spending the rest of your life with someone you found out too late that you cannot stand or only rubbing one out to pictures of boats, I can do without the benefits.
StanleyPain
Don't be envious. On the outside, it seems like a community with a sense of purpose, but internally it's awful. Trust me. It's a lot of drama, backstabbing, people trying to crawl all over each other to be a better Christian than the other, and just lots of cult-like behavior. The time I spent inside Christianity, which was mostly for my parents sake and not because of anything -I- wanted, is the creepiest shit ever. Everyone wants to be the best little Thought Police Captain they can be and everyone judges everyone on this near constant basis and on the rare occasions people come together, the sense of peace is usually disrupted by a kind of mob mentality that wants every to feel like disgusting, sniveling worms for even daring to have a moment where you're not feeling guilty for disappointing God.

Sexy Duck Cop
This is aimed more at StanleyPain, but: To me, faith is like wealth; it doesn't make us better or worse people, but liberates us from the fear of failure and allows us to be the person we would if society and personal circumstances freed us from their limitations. Good people become Christ-like, and bad people protest solider's funerals. The petty and selfish burrow deeper up their own assholes, while the genuinely decent use their faith as a springboard for greater works.

Cult-like mentalities don't necessarily spring from religion. After all, no one on poetv can claim themselves to be smarter or better educated than Thomas Aquinas, Augustine of Hippo, or even Andrew Sullivan. But the framework of faith can encourage it.

Old_Zircon
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-wealth-reduce s-compassion

kamlem
I'm afraid that the science backs him up. It's all here, in "Onania; or, the Heinous SIN of Self-Pollution, and All its Frightful Confequences, in both SEXES, Confider’d. With Spiritual and Phyfical Advice to Thofe, who have already injur’d themfelves by this abominable Practice. And feafonable Admonition to the Youth of the Nation, (of both SEXES) and thofe whofe Tuition they are under, whether Parents, Guardians, Mafters, or Miftreffes."

http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2013/09/16/59034
hammsangwich
The porn is the that beige box on your floor, bud. You just wasted a sweet 17" CRT.
Caminante Nocturno
It's very funny to know that there are still people in the world who can't tell the difference between their computer and their monitor.

Sexy Duck Cop
Is his name actually Caleb?
Boomer The Dog
It is a nice CRT with a flat screen, but the story seems so typical. It would be pretty hard to break the screen with a bat, and a shock to the arms too, so I recommend something that's actually hard, like a sledge.

I have to give stars thoughj for something that looks like an actual computer screen, like XP pretty much, and that kind of popup would happen in IE too.

I always laugh at the fake looking computer screens in movies and TV, an OS like nothing you'd ever see, or instant messengers that take up half the screen with messages in 36 point type.

Boomer
Innocent Bystander
Oh, my son. Can't you see that God has already given you a mighty weapon to aid you in your fight against the demons of porn popups: AdBlock.
Boomer The Dog
That's right, the web wouldn't be so nice a place without Firefox with AdBlock Plus.

Boom

GuyCorngood
"Hey honey, instead of smashing our monitor maybe you could have just not jerked off?"
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