hammsangwich 
Why do they call it "taking a dump" when you're really "leaving a dump?" FUNK DAT
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Mike Jordan
I call shenanigans. Andy Rooney is the OG troll. Prisoner, in a prison, around other prisoners, and his mind can't make the connection that health issues might not have been the cause of death? I think when I'm his age I'm just going to say shit like this to scare young people in to treasuring every moment of their sanity.
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boba.
this is the most insane one posted so far
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Sudan no1
Whenever I suffer through one of these I think, "well, at least he'll die soon." Then I realize they probably have hundreds more unused clips in their vaults.
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fermun
Oh, Grandpa!
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Stupid Lisa Garbage Face
What is this bump on my upper lip? How long has it been there? Where am I?
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Herr Matthias
You know who else reads lots of newspapers? SARAH PALIN.
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Rodents of Unusual Size
Why are there so many letters in the alphabet?!
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cognitivedissonance
See those books behind him?
He's got cum pages in every single one.
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Hooker
How much _is_ a billion, anyway?
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CharlesSmith
If you watch more than a few of these, you can't help but come to the conclusion that Andy Rooney NEVER reads anything but headlines. He then gets mad that he doesn't understand the news story just from the headline.
But lots of old people do this. Here is where everything breaks down and becomes surreal:
Then a major national news program pays him what must be a very comfortable living to talk about how he doesn't understand the headlines for two and a half minutes.
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RockBolt
If only there was a series of paragraphs attached to those headlines that might give more detail on what they mean
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lolcoolj But if he spent all day reading them all, we would never get his crazy ramblings on video!
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bacrie
I like how the gay marriage one wasn't commented on so much as used as a reason to go off on a pointless tangent
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Lurchi
What's platinum?
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notascientist I think it is related to the Gold Pressed Latinum that the Ferengi are always going on about.
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fetuschrist
actual transcript direct from andy rooney's mind:
I'M OLD
I'M SO OLD
WHERE'S MY BOAT
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boner
Andy Rooney has accomplished some pretty cool things in his life, which makes these confused, crotchety old man segments even more bizarre.
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Rovin
Damn.
He mentions a gay marriage article just so he can point out that he's NOT going to say something about it?
...
...What did this guy ever do to get THIS cushy a job?
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BHWW
And in myyyyyyyyyy day, we didn't have all these fancy doodads like hula-hoops and fax machines and digital alarm clocks and life was great! Where's my medicine?
And I still don't trust those damned Nips after Pearl Harbor.
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klingerbgoode
Hi, I'm Andy Rooney. Don't you just hate the way homosexuals wear their haaaair?
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charmlessman
I don't understand things, and that makes me angry and confused.
I could bother to look into them further, but then I wouldn't be angry and confused, and I like being angry and confused.
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THA SUGAH RAIN Yeah, his whole shtick is about what an ignorant old man he is. What is funny about not knowing things?
"What is platinum?"
"what is a billionaire?"
I dont know, and I dont care to know, Im just going to be bothered by other people knowing things.
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baleen
WHERE ARE MY KNEES I CAN'T FIND MY KNEES
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bang to buck ratio
It is not actually possible that Andy Rooney does not know what the term "subprime" refers to is it
IS IT
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Camonk
Yeah, Andy. We're all on fucking tenterhooks here waiting for your dumbass, uninformed, not-based-in-reality-or-thought opinions on same sex marriage. Stupid old faggot.
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