Is it just me, or is everbody (who counts) miserable right about now?
Kingarthur's got cancer. IZ has vanished. I'm pretty miserable, all of my IRL friends are miserable, and a lot of mainstay exhibits here on poeTV - like Nick Bravo - are miserable, too. HappyCabbie died, Skallagrim's depressed, Vigilant Christian, my favorite paranoid creationist truthers, is having a monthlong nervous breakdown - and now Aurini's at it.
Anyway, Aurini gives some good advice for a change, and hopefully this will help cheer you guys up.
One of my friends is a manipulative dick, my dad has dementia and keeps putting his dentures in the toilet tank, my mom is addicted to VLT's and my brother is an alcoholic.
So really, my life is great except where it intersects with other people.
I'm actually a bit better this year than I had been in a while, but it's tempered by the fact that over the past few years nearly all of my actual friends have left the Northeast and the fair-weather friends are long gone, so my social circle is the smallest it's ever been.
But at least the potentially life changing possible causes for my chronic intestinal discomfort have been eliminated. So I may spend a fair amount of time feeling like I did the first day my symptoms started showing when I had e.coli years ago, but at least I know it's not some disease or allergic reaction eating away at my intestines or something, so I guess that's a start.
All in all I say this year has been kind of neutral for me, which is an improvement over the previous two.
My default condition is fear of everything falling apart, being squashed down by a refusal to give in because there's too much riding on my keeping everything together. I got people depending on me and letting them down is not an option.
It helps me a lot to remember that I've been alive over 17000 days, and every single one of those days has gone down but I'm still standing.
I definitively don't have cancer of the colorectal sort, at least."
This, too. Both me and my dad.
I just got out of hospital after some serious kidney issues requiring a stent placement, all related to treatment for a stage III colorectal tumour some 15 years ago but honestly, either in spite of it or because of it, every day above ground is a good one for me.
Recovering alcoholic. I never went to any support groups or things like that. Just trying with willpower alone. Two months on the wagon so far.
One thing, and I am not sure if its something all recovering alcoholics experience is when you finally sober up and look around you and realize that all your friends are long gone.
"Whoa, where the Hell is everybody?!"
Because when 20 turns into 30 'cool party guy' becomes 'slobbering drunk' really quick. Picking up all the pieces of this shit is gonna take a lonnnng time.
I'm doing better than I ever have job and finance wise. I think about killing myself pretty much every day. I can't talk to anyone about it without feeling even worse self loathing, because my suffering is pathetic, unworthy, and stupid.
John Holmes Motherfucker
Presidential Election years are usually edged with Anxiety, and this one is especially terrifying. It's just a weird time. Batman is trying to kill Superman. IronMan is trying to kill Captain America.
GWH - your pain is nevertheless real, no matter how stupid you deem it. It still counts.
Do talk to somebody -- a counselor, or a hotline, or (if you can bring yourself to talk to nobody else) just talk to us shitheads. You'll find that a lot of people would like to help you shoulder the pain: some because they've loved you for years, others because they recognize your human-ness and value you for that all by itself. I know you've made comments that have made me laugh my ass off, and all in all I'd rather live in a world that is more GravidWithHate than not.
If you call a hotline, you may well find yourself talking to someone who has been in the position you're in now. They made it through to the other side, and they are motivated from the bottom of their hearts to help you through too -- you're one of them, you're a kindred spirit. They're like people who were pulled aboard a life boat in the middle of a storm, and now want more than anything to help pull others into the life boat.
The classic suicide hotline number is (800) 273-8255. That's, uh, (800) APE-TALK I guess. You just might find yourself talking to someone who gets you.
OZ, get out of the Northeast. I used to live there, moved out West, then moved back for a job opportunity, and the years after were the most miserable of my whole life. Freezing weather, horrible traffic congestion (unless you live in buttfuck north of Massachusetts), unjustifiable rent, and the shittiest population outside the deep south.
Fuck though, group therapy contribution time.
But yeah, 1-4 years ago were the worst of my whole life. Took 4 years to recover from the recession work stoppage, had to take string of shit dead end temp jobs until it looked like I would be entering middle age with a hopeless resume.
Ton of my friends I was feeling more and more alienated from as they transformed into soulless yuppies. Not in the "sell out for getting a job" Ghostworld sense, but in the sense that they ALL THEY TALK ABOUT now is things they bought, things they want to buy, and things other people have bought. Ikea nesting instinct made flesh. One is a vaper and only talked about vape accessory purchases.
My freaking senior citizen parents and their friends have more lively conversations.
A breaking point was when one of them (a long time friend of 20 years) asked me in all seriousness why I adopted a shelter pet when I could have got one from a breeder like him. "They cost around 0 but you get what you pay for." This was a month after his awful wife asked me, "Why don't you just keep more than 00 in the bank then?" when I was talking about how bullshit minimum balance fees are.
I just recently managed to crawl out of it by asking myself what's a skill I could develop into a reasonably paying career that wouldn't make me want to kill myself, then buckled down on a year of night classes for (and learning my lesson from college that aggressively networking connections is just as if not even more important than the actual education).
That...and the magic of Monday Night RAW movie night. I'm STILLl feeling chills over how awesome last week was!
Hey Bort I'm exactly 17000 days too!
(thats 47 trips around the sun for those without a calcuator)
My sister has about a month or two because ovarian cancer.
Taking my son to see her next weekend has been a very difficult decision
(he's 9) because I kind of want him to remember her as she was, not as she is, but she really wants to see him one more time and it would be a slap in the face to her if I came alone. I talked to him about it and he seemed Ok with going but I don;t know how rough it's really going to be yet... :(
"One thing, and I am not sure if its something all recovering alcoholics experience is when you finally sober up and look around you and realize that all your friends are long gone."
That's how I ended up with you guys! We're your friends now, Chuck.
Gmork, Gravid, you're on a website full of people that are fairly certain they are watched by government, thieving comedians, trolls, Al Qaeda, and God, yet have no problems saying whatever personal tragedy befalls them because they have all come to realize giving zero fucks is raw stallionic power.
Unworthy, pathetic, stupid, uninteresting, too long, stop giving fucks about those adjectives and tell us anyway.
We will totally read it, some may do even worse.
Life is pretty awesome for me right now. Switched back to my previous career after earning a qualification in a trade, career is going great, project I'm working on is awesome, kids are healthy and happy, I'm feeling great and have no illnesses. :)
Nominal, I hate to say it but one of the things that I really dislike about New England is that it's too hot and humid. I do think about leaving New England sometimes but I'm not sure where I'd want to go, and I also kind of don't want to live more than a few hours away from my parents as they get older, they're the only family I've had and being able to see them regularly is more important to me the older they get. But yeah, there are definitely things about New England that are awful. A friend of mine who had lived his whole life in Rhode Island moved to Atlanta a few years back, he's a few years older than me so I want to say he was about 40 when I left, and one of the first things he says he noticed was that people actually try to help each other down there sometimes, instead of trying to keep everyone else down like around here. Which is a gross generalization but also not entirely inaccurate.
I'm going to give it another year where I'm living now and then either move to a more permanent situation here or move someplace else.
We still haven't figured out who's streaming tomorrow. If nobody else steps up I was already planning my next stream to be a double feature of some pairing out of Ninja III The Domination, Virtual Combat and Terror Squad, so that can be backup.
"One thing, and I am not sure if its something all recovering alcoholics experience is when you finally sober up and look around you and realize that all your friends are long gone."
That happened when I took my break from playing live shows a couple years ago. Turns out regional music scenes are full of a lot of opportunists, schmoozers and fair weather friends. WHO'D HAVE THUNK?
The trouble is now that I'm really ready to get back in to it, the thought of having to dive back in to that pool seems like a huge chore.
"aggressively networking connections is just as if not even more important than the actual education"
Also I think I'm literally incapable of this, and in my 20s I never really had to because for what ever reason I moved to Boston and was just instantly a part of what was going on, I have no idea how. So until my early 30s I just didn't have to work at it at all and in the long run that kind of sucks because I never really learned how to network or establish yourself in a new place, which is hard enough in your 20s, much less when you're in your 30s and don't have the typical "career track job and a family" goals that you're supposed to have.
I loved living out in LA and a lot of that was due to ZERO humidity. Just endless gorgeous sunny warm weather that doesn't cause you to sweat, every apartment building has a rooftop jacuzzi with a 30% chance of a gorgeous topless sunbathing woman giving no fucks every time you go up. The people are friendlier and while a touch of it is phoney, it beats the hell out of the isolationist/alienation sense of snobbery you get from the Northeast and New York.
I've spent some time in San Diego (not a ton, maybe 4 months total in my whole life) and it's definitely dryer but my god is it hot.
I was thinking about Portland for a while (humidity notwithstanding) because it's near where I was born and I just generally love that part of Oregon, but it seems like the last 5 or 6 years it's been overrun by upper middle class hipsters who've been fleeing from Boston as the upper class hipsters price them out, and I've heard it's really expensive there, now.
I'm fine. I'm sure this is the mental health check-in everyone at PoETV has been waiting for with baited breath.
|Adham Nu'man |
I have a natural tendency to get sad sometimes, even though I have been blessed with a pretty fortunate life and I do amazing things that I love and share them with people I appreciate and admire.
Still, I get sad relatively often, and without a real decent reason. Maybe it's my brain's chemistry, maybe I'm just an asshole, I don't know. It has become less powerful as I grow older, and I control it much better, and I appreciate the good things more. But it still happens.
When I feel sad, I like watching this video:
I love your adventure videos. The lowest point in my life inspired me to drive 21 hours straight so I could hike up the Superstition Mountains. Mountains are important for mental health, I think.
Thanks! Actually, growing up I was very focused on literature and reading and mostly intellectual endeavors, I got into caving, canyoning and mountaineering because I found they helped me get out of my own head, admire the beauty of nature and be thankful for existing on this earth. Basically, that they were excellent for my mental well-being. So I totally understand how hiking up a mountain can be medicinal.
Superstition Mountain looks awesome, why did you choose it?
It was a place my Dad talked about for most of my life as a place he loved. When he died I went on the road, and when that ended and it was time to come back, I grabbed some friends and made a sharp detour to the mountains instead.
We camped here and did this trail.
I got to throw myself back down it part ways when the swarm of bees were going our way.
Oh man, I forgot!
Apache Junction is a bonafide ghost town and someone re-opened the saloon into a steakhouse. I got to have the experience of coming down the mountain and going through the swinging saloon doors, covered in dust and grit, and order a steak and a beer from the bar.
I loved it.
That looks awesome. I have travelled a little to Arizona and Utah recently (mostly Utah) and will probably go back to Utah late this year or early next year. Where are you located?
I am in Northern Kentucky.
I grew up a hillbilly child tossed into the woods to entertain myself.
My life has been a very much wallowing in major depression and social anxiety for the last 15 years or so, but I've finished my career retraining recently and have a job lined up so maybe I still have a chance to right this train wreck before it's too late.
Hope everything works out for you.
Thanks guys! I'm tearing up over here.
First time in my life I've had multiple job offers to choose from, even with my late start looking, and it felt really good (also very nerve wracking).
I genuinely wish you the best. I look forward to arguing with you in the near future, you asshole. Good luck with the job!
I root for SolRo even when I'm the one arguing with him.
Yeah, I'm also pro SolRo, he keeps things from turning into too much of a circle jerk.
Things are looking up for me. I'm transferring to a nice land unit in NYC. No more underway blues.
At some point you just want to go home every night.
I'm over-sexed and I can't seem to make a dent in my fortune.
But, seriously, things are lamer right now than anytime in recent memory. I really do value this strange little website. It's nice to have bright and funny people to riff with, it's been keeping me sane these last few months - and I like almost all of you, which I think is incredible. This place is some sort of internet anomaly. I wish you all the best and thank you for the laughs.
I got a pocket full of stones and these fiends won't go home.
I love all of you, please persevere!!!!
|The Mothership |
kingarthur's cancer diagnosis has me really down, and I am broke because I live in a really expensive place to live in.
Other than that, life isn't that bad, I love my job and the folks I work with, my family is healthy and I am slowly but surely kicking my tobacco habit.
I've been way worse.
I'm sorry you're having problems my friend.
I specifically avoided a job offer in San Francisco because they offered basically only 10%-15% more than what the established minimum for the job is everywhere in California.
also they charge about 50% more than the standard rate, but I guess a lot of that goes to the owners.
Dude, avoid the Bay at all costs for the next few years. Wait for the bubble to burst, it will, just you wait. I am not in tech, but even my non-tech people have heard about the rumors, hints and waves that will come out when the tech bubble bursts, maybe 2 years, likely 3-4 from now.
When it does, watch for property prices in the Bay to plummet.
Then, cash in. That's what I'll be doing. The trick will be to time your retirement and investment buy-out correspond with your property buy-in.
I wish I had a career and decent savings around 2008, could have cashed in anywhere in California.
The last place I rented at was flipped in 2009 and then gained about 60% value in 4 years.
also this discussion is making me feel even worse and more petty given what kingarthur is going through
Scrotum H. Vainglorious
Bay Area tech gentrification is fucking out of control. The place seriously needs a 9.0 earthquake or a 10 megaton nuke to reset everything back to normal.
|Crab Mentality |
We're some sort of strange family. I don't know what in the hell exactly unites us, and it might be better that way. Stay mentally healthy, POE friends.
I can't for the life of me find the source now, but something I was reading the other day had a great throwaway line about the stress of realizing that it's possible to be both a genius and a fuckup at the same time, and that it's likely neither quality will win out over the other.
Not saying anyone here is a genius or a total fuckup, but I suspect a lot of us can relate to the sentiment.
Anyway, it's not the source (the rest may be paraphrase but "genius" and "fuckup" were both definitely in the text, and they aren't in here) but I also read this around the same time and it sounds like I'm not the only one in here who can relate to it a bit, too:
I haven't had a checkup in 14 years.
Now I'm worried :(
TMI moment; I've had bad hemorrhoids and intestinal discomfort ever since my hospital stay for a motorcycle crash 10 years ago, and I doubt all that inflammation is lowering my cancer odds.
Getting medical assistance and working out; two things I know I need to do but keep putting off.
Best advice I can share: WORK OUT. Start today. I had nasty depression and personal anxiety last year, felt like me whole life and self was caving in, and there was no day-to-day therapy helped me better than simple physical exercise. It's not a cure -- had to spend a lot of time getting to know myself better and thinking through / facing up to some things -- but it sure makes things easier, opens up a little breathing room to do the thinking in.
SolRo same here except it was severe e.coli 15 years ago that really started it.
I just got my ass looked at because it had gotten so bad in the last few years (from an attack every couple months to almost daily) and they couldn't find anything wrong, so don't be too scared.
General anesthetic is weird, though, I'd never had that. I expected it to feel like I was losing consciousness or falling a sleep or something and then waking up, but it was a seamless transition, from talking to the doctor right before to being awake after and commenting that it was quicker than I expected. I remember being aware of some of the stuff going on, and of watching some of it on the screen, but apparently that was just little snippets out of a 45 minute period that just doesn't exist at all.
Which is a bit unnerving to have happen 5 minutes after signing a standard teaching hospital privacy form that includes permission for a SALES REPRESENTATIVE to be present.
One thing my 4 years of barely making rent temp employment taught me is to eat healthy! Lentil/peas/spinach/tofu/flax diet started as just a way to eat cheap (/day!) but has become a habit at this point. Not a vegetarian but meat was completely out of the question budget wise.
That, and being incredibly fucking lazy when it comes to cooking anything more complicated than boiling water.
|Scrotum H. Vainglorious |
god damn this hurt to read
i don't talk about my real self on the internet but this web site is some kind of therapy for me too.
PoE advice request;
Some of the people that tormented me when I was a kid are trying to friend me/apologize to me 20 years later on Facebook. While the adult part of me wants to accept it and let it go, there's the biter part of me that sees their happy little lives right now, and their words feel very cheap and meant more to make themselves feel better than any kind of real apology.
(Also I'm fairly drunk)
If they're reaching out to you, it's probably because they feel bad about it. Maybe they have an ulterior motive, but I can't even begin to guess at one.
If their words feel empty, it may be because they're not approaching it from the direction that speaks to you, and their intentions are probably good (I guess) but they're doing it wrong.
Pretend I'm them. "Hey SolRo, you probably thought I was an asshole ... you were right. You were consistently a decent person, and I was shitty. Saying so now doesn't change the past, but I really, really wish I could go back and not be an asshole to you." Does that work better?
No seriously, Ignore. I have run into people from my childhood days and really nobody's basic nature changes. The people that were nice are still nice and the people that were jerks are still jerks.
I rarely turn down friend requests, even when it's from people I literally never spoke to in high school.
But I did get 2 from persons who made middle school an utter hell for me.
Just ignore them. It's not like you're going to reminisce about any good times. Why expend any effort on them? You don't owe them anything.
2 cents: Accept their apologies, and do your best to forgive. This does not mean you have to form a relationship with them or even keep them as facebook friends. Accept and forgive for your sake, not theirs, and move on. It'll be the most healthy for you.
The ball is totally in your court. People who hurt you aren't entitled to forgiveness, but think about it. If you really, honestly forgive them and want to let them know, you can tell them. If not, they can feel guilty and it's up to them to live with it, not your job to give them a free pass.
Do consider, as well, that you have to expend energy to keep viewing them as enemies, if what they are is really more "irrelevant".
And, there is a chance that your ape instincts are tricking you here. A million years ago in the savanna it was helpful for our ape ancestors to be eternally vigilant against their enemies and constantly primed to smack them with a thigh bone. We still have those instincts, and sometimes they help us in the modern world. But sometimes they also mislead us.
You have a lot of options here, I suppose the only wrong choice is one you can't take back and you long regret.
What could you possibly gain from this?
I have spent three hours typing ten thousand deleted words into this box trying to communicate that there's nothing fucking wrong with any of you in a way I think you'd believe.
Here's what I got :
There's nothing fucking wrong with any of you.
Here's my reasoning :
When I thought there was, I sure as fuck said so, so why in God's Green Hell would I lie about it now?
Argument from memedumpster is strengthened BECAUSE it is a logical fallacy.
Check, and mate, 2500 years of human thinking.
Now believe it.
I have absolutely zilch to complain about compared to some -- good income, love my wife, have lived in good places around the world -- but I'm also just hitting 40 and thinking I really made a mistake not having kids, and it's been tearing me up. Kicking myself now. But also telling myself there's opportunity, maybe adoption would be something really beautiful. Insanely hard too, I know, but so's regular parenting from what I've seen.
Why do you think you made a mistake not having kids?
Two Jar Slave
Adopting IS regular parenting! The biology part is such a minor thing, it basically doesn't count. Kids are great, Hazel. If you feel they would enrich your life, and that you have love and support to give a tiny hilarious person, my advice is get those wheels turning sooner than later. In ten years you'll be fifty either way. You could be looking back proudly at nine years of major trials and rewards, or you could still be feeling this coulda-shoulda-woulda regret. You were talking about the positive effects of exercise earlier. I feel like parenting is pretty similar in that it busts you forcibly out of your depression cycles, it's way more daunting to start than to keep up, and nobody I've ever talked to regrets doing it.
Also Hazelnut, having kids is more important than your career, marriage or your world travel scorecard.
Nobody fucking cares about your career. You can be fired anytime and everyone is replaceable. My kids think I go fishing for a living. All they want is for me to come home and spend time with them. Unless you are saving lives on a daily basis, your career is worthless.
You love your wife, that is wonderful. But if she is keeping you from having children then she has to change or she has to go. If she can't have kids there's no reason you can't have kids. Find a woman who wants children and have some with her. The same goes for her, by the way. If you are sterile there's no reason she can't get another guy to get her pregnant.
Adoption is a dumping ground for kids with problems. If you want to raise a kid with fetal alchohol syndrome or children of schizos or similar problems, God bless you. But if your testicles are producing healthy sperm it's about a billion times easier to have sex with a fertile woman.
No way I'd dump Mrs Hazelnut for a younger lady! That would defeat the whole purpose.
No, I'm much closer to Two Jar Slave's view of adpotion than Chancho's -- though the latter is certainly right that kids up for adoption are statistically a lot more likely to have problems. Actually I'm surprised that it's been weighing on me at all: I never thought much of children one way or another, though I certainly love my nephews and nieced. Then it just sorta crept up on me. Maybe it's biology. Or maybe it's the grass is greener on the other side. Or maybe how a midlife crisis is expressing itself. Which is a reason I don't want to move too precipitately either: don't want to just obtain a kid as an overreaction to some sad months.
Two Jar Slave
I'm not sure what Chancho is getting at in terms of the difference between adoptive and biological parents. Do you feel that adoptive parents are at a disadvantage to shape and mold their children? Do you regard that as the objective of parenting in the first place?
So because you're wife won't have kids, you won't have kids? Wow.
Man, we had such a good streak going until this advice came along...
Yeah, let's not argue about it on this page. Someone post a funny video about adoption or something and we'll talk about it there.
Last night I was going to advise you to steal a child from a grocery store, but I thought it was too cheesy a joke for your actual vexation.
Today is different in light of the "fuck your wife, BREED" advice.
A friend of mine who is dead set against having kids commented once that I too was fine not having kids. I told him this was not the case, and as a human I have always had the instinct and feel a great emptiness because I didn't. Then I had to explain to him that recognizing you are too grossly incompetent (only speaking for myself, you sound great actually) to raise a child is not the same as hating the idea of having them.
Not wanting them isn't the same as hating the idea of having them, either. I'm not CHILDFREEHARDCORE or something, it's just a low enough priority for me that I don't expect it to happen, if nothing else because just the fact that it's such a low priority means I shouldn't be, if that makes sense.
But yeah, I'm a monkey just like everyone else so sometimes my body wants me to reproduce.
Oh man, OZ, you'd be a great dad! I imagine all these cute pictures of little Giorgio/Giorgia Moroder Zircon sitting next to vintage synths. They would learn to say "dada" only after learning to say "surrealism."
I don't know, I can barely keep a spider plant alive.
I think I would make a fantastic weird uncle though. If I had any siblings.
"They would learn to say "dada" only after learning to say "surrealism.""
I have an artist sister; I am going to have to engineer a situation where I can pull that line on her.
Holy crap, Evil Homer did it.
Holy shit, he did, didn't he? :-)
Look upon my works, ye mighty, and be at peace.
Two Jar Slave, in the nature vs. nurture debate, nature mostly wins.
If you adopt a kid who's parents were risk taking drug addicts, then that kid is probably going to be the same. As long as you are prepared to deal with a kid who is much different from you in personality, then go for it.
Sounds like Mrs. Hazelnut has decided that Mr. Hazelnut isn't allowed to have children so she'll decide if they adopt too.
"in the nature vs. nurture debate, nature mostly wins."
Wait, Iiiiiii get it. Chancho is trying to annoy me enough to encourage me to adopt.
Two Jar Slave
Not interested in this conversation. Dear reader, please move along to the better parts of this thread
Adoptiion is great. But don't pretend it's something you want. Your wife is controlling your reproduction.
Other way around: *I* was the one who didn't want them, until we're too old to have them, then something in my feelings changed I hardly understand myself. Actually my wife's been an angel: I get these weird guilt / anxiety attacks, feeling like I deprived her or let her down, and she's the one who reassured me and made me feel while again.
Like I said, I really have nothing to complain about.
Well, your wife should have dumped you and found a guy who did want kids.
Just bustin' your balls. Adopt, volunteer for children's charities, be a big brother...lots of kids need help.
Those are good ideas actually. Thanks. :-)
Desperately broke, permanently unhappy, and socially retarded. Other than that I'm doing great.
You're not socially retarded, you're socially aware that society is retarded. Remember when I was happy to land that carpentry shop gig with this artist you said would be a raging narcissist who will be incompetent to the point of inspiring me to quit?
You're so aware of people your predictions look supernatural.
And you're one of the 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of humans who said "I shall make a vidya game" and actually completed one.
Your personal discipline is staggering when it's something you want to do.
Get stoned and make a list of the shit you have never once complained about (I call it the no bullshit list). It helped me a lot just to acknowledge those things exist and are there to drag into my life if I need to pad out some causality.
Miss talking to you, by the way.
Did you hear that EA admitted that they shipped Battlefront incomplete on purpose?
You're better than that whole company as a person and a game dev.
Thanks, Meme! You're nice. Sorry I dropped the email ball a while back. I will find that ball; I miss talking too.
I am terrified of looking at 54E (but neither can I bring myself to pull the plug). I assume it's a wasteland of loosened tumbleweeds and 2 year-old posts, second most likely outcome being the equivalent of an exploded outhouse. The narrow possibility of anyone still actively using it for its intended purpose is fraught with the peril that I'd get sucked back into trolling news feeds for it all day, and that's not allowed to happen 'til I've got a steady income. When I refused to divulge its URL at a job interview ("what have you been working on?") I realized my penchant for working on money sinks was defeating me again. Quitting felt healthyish but I miss my dose; so of course I had to relurk here after a few months.
Shit, Donald Trump is a better person than EA.
Nah, it's still updated pretty regularly by some folks. I check it once a week or so.
I stopped posting there because I was too generally hostile and felt bad about running people off. Now I just watch from afar and go to movie night.
You would like movie night. It's just once a week and it keeps us on the hoof.
Hey Exy, we should keep in touch more! Hell, I'll email you right now!
Good idea, Simon! Maybe the NSA intercepted it, though.
Thanks for the update! Glad to hear it's not dead. Maybe this is something like what a parent who expects his kid to get himself killed feels like when the kid reaches his majority.
I am intrigued by (but still terrified of) movie night. Perhaps you have given me the courage to take a peek soon. (I'm rarely drunk while I have Internet access these days; that's probably the most convincing causal explanation for my disappearance, come to think of it.)
I regret that it took kingarthur's tragedy to get me posting. Fuck cancer with a poopy stick.
meant as reply blah blah blah
Objectively speaking, I'm probably better off than I've been in ages. I've got more money, more freedom, nicer stuff, and more ladies vying for my attention than ever before (it's up to like four right now). However, a few months ago, I had the grave misfortune of meeting a very particular young woman who is absolutely perfect for me; a woman who finds me handsome, charming, and intelligent. She's sweet, she's single, she makes me feel alive... and also, she's a raging lesbian. Worse, her ex-girlfriend has recently come out of surgery, and my new lesbian BFF is trying to get back together with her.
This friend of mine is the first person I have ever met who's made me feel like I was living in the moment. I can honestly say that I have never been as happy, or as at ease with another human being in years, possibly even in my life - which would be great, on the grounds that little bursts of happiness are better than none at all, except that now, coming back down from my euphoria, it's becoming harder and harder for me to forget what I'm missing out on. After beholding the beauty of the sun, the shadows playing on my cave-wall are just that much darker...!
I wish I could rationalize my way out of this, but I can't help the way I feel; it's neurochemical, and the more I fight it with logic and planning, the worse it gets. I also don't want to cut off all ties with her in hopes of preserving my sanity, because this isn't a sexual attraction, it's a mental-emotional-friendship attraction, and I value her friendship very, very deeply (probably more deeply than any other single thing at the moment, if for no other reason than the hope and motivation she gives me, which is something I get from literally no other source). On the other hand, part of being her friend means supporting her with her love for her ex, which is a quiet sort of torture. Also, she's A LOT like me, and since part of "being like me" means being a hopeless romantic with poor self-esteem, I'm terrified that, if things work out between the two of them, she'll become so wrapped up in her ex-girlfriend that she'll forget all about me. I don't honestly think this is likely to happen, but the not knowing what the future holds, and the not being able to tell her, is eating me up inside.
I mean, she's got me bad, man. I'm buying creature comforts for my house, I'm brushing my teeth every day - hell, I haven't even played any video games since *March*! Chasing Amy is turning me into a whole new person, but I'm terrified that it's not going to last, and my moods have been swinging like a goddamn manic depressive on a bath-salts bender. The other day, I went from swimming laps in the ocean to wondering what it'd be like to fling myself off a 9th-story balcony to staying up all night, making custom anime figurine schematics in Blender so I can 3D print Amy a present next week.
It's probably just your new NoFap lifestyle
Nah brah, I'm still fappin. I'm not THAT far gone.
... although I did clean all the porn off my phone, in case she checks. :(
When I'm in the dumps, my strategy is to remind myself that I don't have to do anything--I'm typically an over thinker. How I feel isn't something that I must respond to in any one way. I can just feel and go about my day. The trick and the hard part, is to not read the feelings as reasons/motivation for doing or not doing something. Keep doing the little things: brush the teeth AND FLOSS, take out the trash, eat first thing in the morning, clean up and do the laundry. Feeling bad or tired isn't a reason not do something. It's just a feeling one has. If I feel bad, that doesn't mean "Don't brush teeth" it just means I'm recognizing the state of my body. Hang in there, man. It'll be all right.
She doesn't like ponies, but the weirdest thing is, that doesn't matter to me! She hates furries and she loves j-pop and basically everything else that could matter in a relationship. (Paris is worth a No Ponies.)
One of EH's other gal pals is into ponies. Suuuuper into ponies. She's also super into me, which would be perfect, except she's a lot harder to talk to than Chasing-Amy. Pony Girl's cute, I like her, and ponies, but I don't really feel good around her. I feel bad for her, I feel like I need to help her, but I don't find the same confidence and living-in-the-moment that I get from CA. I can't picture having a longterm relationship with her, and I don't want to fool around because that'd devestate her. So now I've got these multiple love triangles going - CA obsessing over ex, me obsessing over CA, PonyGirl obsessing over me - and it's just making things harder.
I tell you what PUA Homer would do. PUA Homer would carpe diem and have a nice summer fling with HumanFluttershy, clearing his mind and plotting an eventual polyamorous relationship with CA and her ex. Reasonable Homer would do a variation on this play, using his friendship with CA to meet new people, similar to her. Tortured Artist Homer would lock himself in his room, pouring his soul onto canvas before lopping off his own ear, while MGTOW Homer would tell all them all bitches to gtfo and go back to playing vidya games. But Actual Homer, I've got this bad feeling he's going to do none of those things; he's just going to sit in his bedroom, staring at the ocean and running over the same shit in his mind, endlessly.
Good on you for knowing not to listen to PUA Homer, who is probably the only Evil Homer in the mix. Hurting other people for selfish reasons is not only pretty vile, but it's the sort of regret that you'd later have a lot of trouble getting over.
I have no idea whether or not this is a good idea, but if you pre-emptively told HumanFluttershy (damn you for making me able to understand stuff like that) that you're not feeling it, it could maybe help her move on, change the dynamics of what you're in the middle of, and pull the plug on PUA Homer's schemes.
I still say associate her with Kevin Smith long enough and eventually you'll be over your feelings for her or you'll want to bone Kevin Smith, and either way your problem is solved.
Well, the trouble with HumanFluttershy is, I've been in situations like this before. BipolarCourtneyLove-vs-BuffiverseStalker saga was eerily similar to the ones I'm in right now, both CA-me-HF and possibly also ExGF-CA-Me (not sure; ex sounds like she might be trouble, but I hope for CA's sake she's not). It turned out, BipolarCourtneyLove was a self-sabotaging emotional succubus, and BuffiverseStalker was the best lover I've ever known, the girl I would have married had the military and my own failures at life not fucked everything up.
Of course, CA is not BipolarCourtney, and HumanFluttershy is not BuffyStalker. Not by a long shot. It'd be a mistake to try and apply the lessons I learned then, here - except for one, i.e., don't let the more insecure one put herself in a "Nice Girl" situation. BuffyStalker knew I was infatuated with BipolarCourtney, so I'm not going to whine about any of this to HumanFluttershy. If I did that, she'd probably kill the both of us.
I'm not kidding, by the way. HumanFluttershy is seriously into grimdark stuff. She's been clinically dead three times, and keeps trying to get me to read hundred-page fanfics about ponies getting boiled alive. Which SOUNDS perfect, but yet strangely isn't enough.
Homieclaus, the Greek word for your condition is "pothos," unrequited love. It's part of the holy trilogy of Greek scrumpin', "eros, pothos" and "himeros."
I suggest you go full romantic and make yourself a scholar of love, there is millennia of philosophy about it and you might be surprised to know that our modern interpretation of "selfish co-selflessness" was debated and hammered out over centuries of war, festivals, and... UNREQUITED LOVE.
Pothos is the number one driver of love culture, and it is sacred.
Look at what it has done here? It's amazing.
Oh yeah, I know! I brought that up in another thread. I'm a miserable romantic - so's CA, which is part of the reason I'm in love with her - and pothos is pretty much the only constant I've had in my life. It can be a wonderful thing, too - my love for her is the catalyst which drove me to bring all you guys together. A golden thread, spidering out to touch hundreds of lives.
No offense though, I'd ditch pothos and all you fuckers in a heartbeat if it meant I could just take her out to lunch like a normal human being.
My life is awesome right now. Better than it's ever been. I'm almost done a second bachelor's degree for a career that I believe I will enjoy and make lots of money at. I'm healthy, My family is functional. I've learned how to cope with my tendency toward anxiety. And the older I get, the less I care about what other people think and just do my own thing. Reading everyone's comments has made me really grateful for everything that I have.
My day-to-day is uneventful, and therefore OK I guess. My big picture kinda sucks. My boyfriend of 15 years has been married for 25. My "career" is...well, there is no money coming in right now. I've got next-to-nothing in retirement savings. I'm unmarried, no kids, and at an age where those things are not an option anymore. My dad, whom I adore, is 78 and in good health--but he's 78. I can't stop myself from previewing the awfulness of life when he dies.
I do think about offing myself now and then (who doesn't?), but at least I know a small bit of me would live on. On Brian Harrod's website.
Oh, I should mention the good things too...I have a "new" dog, my two-year-old nephew is a hoot, and poeTV makes each day a bit nicer.
Real talk: consider getting additional boyfriends. The one you've got has no claim on your monogamy.
Oh, it's easy to consider having more boyfriends. But I'm kinda old and kinda fat and rather uninteresting. I'm not drawing a big crowd here.
If you are old, fat and uninteresting then you must have some mean blowjob skills for him to keep you around for 15 years.
Damn, Chancho, that's some raging misogyny. Is your name Joe? If it is, we were in a band together and it's long time you get over your mother.
You're not an uninteresting poster, Tot! Keep it up. I suspect your wit does you more good than you give yourself credit for.
Tot - 'kinda' old is when you get to have the most fun! 'Kinda fat' is not the big deal they make it out to be, but if it affects how you feel, spring is a great time to pick up more exercise. Wishing you all the best.
OK, I'll bite...if it wasn't sex, why was a married man keeping you as a girlfriend for 15 years?
Why would you keep someone around for 15 years? I'm sure you can come up with reasons.
Okay...this one will blow your mind:
We love each other.
I'm doing fine on the surface but below the surface is a torrential nightmare, and has been for so long that I don't remember what doing good is even like. Don't really want to talk about it, though.
I'll take a stab in the dark in an Aristotelian way.
When I was young, I was "taught" what kind of person I was supposed to be to survive in the world by people way too dumb to teach those lessons.
As an adult, I lean more on what evolution has determined are my inclinations and strengths based on the actual surviving to reproduce members of the animal kingdom.
It's been a better life siding with nature over human opinion.
If you ever do feel like venting, Hook, you know where to find us.
Late to this thread (because why would I watch an Aurini video?):
Recently quit a very good job in an extremely dramatic fashion, two years to the day from a suicide attempt that hospitalized me. Scrambled to get a new job, settled for a drastic pay cut, surviving but otherwise more creative than I've been in a long time. High prospects to get terminal on a comic book I've been working on with another POEtard, so jolly good.
Right now I'm excising negative people and influences from my life. I have no time for nasty people anymore.
I have always really enjoyed it when you have created things to share.
| Register or login To Post a Comment|